AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

As someone who had two boys first (2 years apart) then waited 3.5 years and had a third baby (a girl) I’d say chill out right now…. enjoy the baby you’ve got and see how you feel in 18 months.

I found the jump from 1-2 really hard, but adding a third has been a dream & a doddle. Probably to do with the bigger age gap and more experience. My husband has also got better at the dad role, and is great with all of the kids now after taking a while to get into his parenting stride.

I only had a third though knowing I’d have been happy with a boy, and can honestly say I’m so glad my second was a boy as the brotherly relationship is beautiful, and it’s so nice having two of the same gender. Having a daughter as well is wonderful, but probably to the level of how having three boys would have been wonderful…. If that makes sense?

Anyway follow your gut and ignore anyone who tells you three kids is too many… they probably stopped at 2 and have no idea of the joy and fun they are missing out on!

My Aunty had 6 girls trying for a boy. Don't do it.

You’d be more likely to have another boy as your 4th, statistically speaking.

My BIL and SIL had 3 girls to start and decided to have a 4th child, as my SIL wanted a boy, they did get the boy. A friend of mine kept having children because she wanted a boy....she has 4 girls and they then had to stop.

There's no guarantees. Have a 3rd child because you want a 3rd child, not because you are yearning for a particular sex.

I understand your desire for a girl as I have two boys who I absolutely adore and wouldn’t change at all but do sometimes feel like there is certain things I will miss out on by not having a girl but then at the same time I will get so much from my boys, there’s no guarantee the girl would fit the picture I have in my mind and actually if I was to have a third I think a strong part of me would want it to be a boy to play with my existing boys and because my boys are amazing. Ultimately I just think I am so lucky to have them.

if you have another child make sure it’s because you want another child and not because you want a girl.

I know someone who did this (mother of an ex boyfriend) - she ended up with 5 boys. She has though got 4 granddaughters and 4 grandsons so she got her girls by proxy the generation after. I have two boys - I would love a grandaughter one day but what will be will be

What do you feel you’ve missed out on? I ask because I have two sons (both adult now) and I never felt I had missed out on anything. Not judging, just genuinely curious.

Well maybe your lazy partner needs to step up

He has improved a lot. He isn't an overly emotional person and he has come a long way. Equally he works and allows me not to even if it means we don't have a lot of money so I do a lot of everything. So whilst sometimes its hard, he is improving and I get he is stressed too.

Are you planning to get married? Giving up your job and not earning puts you in a very vulnerable position if not married unless he is trying to make sure you are protected - eg house is in both names so you are accruing equity even when not working, putting savings in your name etc.

Why would you want a 3rd child with someone whose a shit dad? YABU on both accounts.

My partner is the sole earner to allow me to be with the boys and comprimises on the lifestyle he would like for us all to allow me to do that.

So whilst yes its hard to do 90% I don't resent him for it.

I'm more worried you are talking about part time work, maybe giving up work, and still referring to "partner". You are making you position more and more vulnerable as time goes on. I'd think about protecting yourself and the children you already have before i thought about another.

And thats without thinking about how he isn't particularly invested? My husband works many many hours that is not an excuse not to be a loving and involved parent.

We are going to get married eventually. I need to sort it out. House is in a joint name. But house is the only real asset. Barely any pensions etc to share so I don't feel too rushed to sort it but I will get around to it.

He isn't shit! He has improved massively with relaxing and enjoying our eldest. He changes nappies, takes DS1 out on his off (or we all go out together) he will try to help out with other stuff depending on how much sleep etc he has. Just because I do 90% of everything (as I don't work) doesn't mean he is shit.

I know someone wanted a girl after two boys. They had the sperm analysed and discovered it was boy heavy (whatever the medical term is for that I don’t know) so they went through the hassle and expense of getting the sperm treated in some way, or spun? - anyway whatever the process it was it meant the the remaining sperm would be 80% girl 20% boy.

Their third child was a boy 🤦‍♀️ The mother was very upset. Even though they knew there was still a 20% chance it would indeed be another boy.

I am already in part time but will likely have to quit after maternity due to my partners days changing and them requiring him to be flexible.

He is getting lots better. Being a dad hasn't come naturally to him but believe me he has improved so so much!

What is this procedure!?

You said he wasn't invested in the two you have. That sets huge alarm bells ringing for me

I'm not desperate enough for a girl to go through all that 🙈

OP - you seem to have a fairy tale dream about your future family.

Forget it. This is real life and not a dream. Your children are small at the moment and you have total control over them. That will not last. They will become their own people and not the people you have dreamed of them being.

Think about practicalities - you have little money at the point your children are the cheapest they will ever be (if you're not paying childcare). Your partner works 6 days a week and is uninvolved with the children. (based on him getting more involved during paternity leave it does sound like this is due to lack of time rather than inclination). You don't want to work because you dream of spending time with your children, so that won't change.

I'm the girl in between 2 boys. I knew that mum very much wanted me to be a girl - but I'm afraid I was definitely NOT the girl she'd imagined. of the 3 of us, I was by far and away the least close to her (we really didn't get on, if truth be told). I always felt like I was a massive disappointment to her, despite achieving very highly (much higher than my brothers) in my academic life and my career.

I'm telling you this because you clearly have some vision of what this imagined daughter would be like. I spent my life not living up to my mother's expectations and she only told me she loved me when she was close to death.

He loves my boys dearly but he isn't as motivated to parent as I am. He has got hugely better since ds2 came along and he had 7 weeks off for paternity leave.

Being a dad hasn't come naturally for him. But he is improving and trying and that is the important part. If he wasn't improving or trying then yes I would be very concerned!

Controv but I was the same as you after 2 boys and didn’t feel complete. We had a 3rd and it was a girl and I 100% felt complete and definitely would never ever consider another baby! I wonder how I’d feel if it was another boy - we would never have had a 4th but I wonder if I’d never have felt totally complete?
She is amazing and completed our family but I am def much closer to/ have more in common to my sons. But it was never about “having a girl” so much an experiencing both? Maybe this will change as they get older (all still primary) but just to say I understand exactly how you feel.

Yes! Thank you!! I firmly agree with you.