AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

Because he goes nursery and softplay and beaches and farms so I see him playing and interacting with other children and nursery say he is very social.

But again this is you assuming you'd need to pay for 10 hours a day of childcare.

Do you see any truth in the fact that you are looking for problems (which allow you to carry on not working) rather than solutions (that would enable you to work)?

Op, are you married to your partner?

children are wonderful (one or 20) however, only have them if you can give them the best life ever (and love obviously) although love alone won’t pay for their education or mortgage or drivers license which I think (and I could be wrong) falls within parental responsibility. Would you be able to the do the best by your kids if you had another (who may or may not be a girl)

why don’t you park this for now and look after your boys as best as you can and see if in time your partners attitude towards the two you do share changes?
maybe he will be a better dad with older kids (toddlers and newborns are hard). I say this as a mum to an 18 month old who has just elbowed me right in the middle of my eyeball whilst trying to get her dressed for bed!

Why wouldnt i need to pay for roughly 10 hours of childcare? If I started work at 9 I woukd need to drop off for chikdxare by 8 and pick up at 6 as I would have to commute as we live rurally.

So there are no jobs less than an hour away and no part time jobs? Anywhere?

No we arent married. Thank you for the comments and sympathies for the elbow to the eye!

sounds like a child who would love school

The closest is 25-30 mins but in morning traffic longer and not filled with jobs. The closest citys are 45 mins- 1 hr not in traffic.

Entry level part time between the hours of 9-5 I haven't come across yet.

Possibly he will. He could also hate it. You never know on that one.

Within half a hour there are no shops, schools, GPs, hotels, restaurants, offices, care homes, nothing?

Maybe focus on moving house instead of having another baby? Would that be a possibility?

No moving house isn't an option as the areas around us are significantly more expensive and I brought my house for a lot less than it is worth compared to other houses. Although its not worth as much as it should be as it needs a significant amount of work.

Yes we have some things around us but not jobs its a tiny town. Also most of what you have listen dont operate monday-friday 9-5. The only one which almost fits that is schools!

I have two sons, adults now, I was lucky I wanted boys but I knew 2 mums that had 4 girls each in the hope of having a boy. Have another child if you want too, but try not to be disappointed if it’s another boy, it’s not the babies fault. I hope it all works out for you.

Yes 30 mins away there are jobs. All of which would require childcare and a second car which would eat a large portion of my salary. Earning minimum wage and paying childcare and car costs plus partner taking paycut wouldn't help our financial situation.

So at a minimum there is very little point in me working until youngest is at school. But me and my partner can review that when the time comes as it is at least 5 years away.

Yes absolutely.

Part time jobs don't exist.
Public transport doesn't exist.
Jobs where DH doesn't work nights all pay £20k less.
Putting your children in childcare is completely unacceptable.
Moving even 15 minutes away is out of the question.
Befriending other mums so you could share schools runs is just not possible.
Anytime other than a full weekend together every week just won't do.

Best just do nothing until all your children are at secondary school which could be 15 years if you have another. Nothing you can do about it.

Public transpory here takes an hour to get to the next town to us. So no that isnt really feasible. I would have to get a car.

I owe 170k on my house and in its current state is worth 190k. My house is worth 230k if it was in better condition. The cheapest house with 3 bedrooms in the bigger town 25 mins from us with more jobs is 300k. The cheapest 2 bed is 240k so no we couldn't just move!

We arent talking about me having a job when the kids are at school. You are discussing now so school mums are irrelevent. A lot can change in 5 years. My partner could get a promotion or 2 and we could have significantly more money. I could come across an amazing opportunity which allows me to work part time and still have lots of time with my kids.

There are very different hurdles between going back to work whilst kids are at nursery and if they are both in school.

You said you'd consider going back to work when they are at secondary school? And that you'd rather homeschool? I'm lost.

"an amazing opportunity which allows me to work part time and still have lots of time with my kids"

OP please don't get into MLMs

"Public transpory here takes an hour to get to the next town to us. So no that isnt really feasible."

What do you think people who don't have cars do? An hour is honestly nothing. You can spend that time reading a book, doing a crossword, relaxing a bit before work.

I would 100% consider waiting until secondary school and I would love to homeschool (but very unlikely).

However I acknowledge that if my partner was willing to take a paycut (which currently he says no) to work a more family friendly role/hours. I could consider working when all kids hit school age as it would be more of a emotional reason not to keep working compared to the financial barriers whilst they are nursery age.

That doesn't mean I want to work whilst they are at primary but if my partner changed his role amd was happy doing 50% of child and house related stuff and said he wanted me to work too and share the financial burden as its too much for him on his own then I would look to make it happen.

As it stands currently my partner has no desire to take a paycut and change roles. If that changes in 5 years time then it will be a conversation we may have.

It is when you have to take kids and pick them up from childcare. The latest bus I could take to get to the bigger town with jobs is 7.22am as the next bus is at 8.22 and wouldn't get me there before 9am. Childcare doesnt open until 7.30am. On the way back the first bus after 5pm is 5.25 which doesnt get back to my town until 6.15... childcare closes at 6pm. So yes people get public transport but it doesn't really work with childcare hours.

Sorry I'm not sure what MLM's is?

So what do you anticipate that you’ll do all day when your children are both at school age and out of the house 6 hours a day? Given that you have no hobbies, no interests, no friends and no social inclination whatsoever?

And you're thinking of home schooling?

It doesn't mean someone is not intelligent because they don't know what an MLM is. Maybe they're a bit younger, and haven't come across MLMs yet!

If I couldn't find a job between school drop off and pick up, I guess I will clean, cook, do shopping. I haven't really thought about it.

I just know I would like to be able to do drop off and pick up everyday in primary.

But as said above if my partner changes his mind in 5 years and was happy to change roles and take paycuts and take on 50% of parenting and homelife then I would look into a job if thats what he wanted even if its not what I think is best for the kids.