AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

My husband was the third boy in his family and he knew his mum always wanted a girl. She never said it directly to him but he knew from the odd ‘innocent comment’ here and there. It was miserable and he just felt unwanted.

It sounds like you already have a lot on your plate right now so best to put a pin in the idea and wait for your newest addition to get a bit older before making any plans.

I have a family member who had boys and wanted a girl and sounded just as you sound to me. She had another boy and very nearly had a breakdown over it. It was a desperate time for a while but she was convinced to seek help and had counselling and eventually overcame it. If it feels very consuming to you and you are thinking about it most of the time, you might be wise to seek some counselling before trying again.

My mum was at uni when she had me. She got a job as soon as she finished. Having a young child doesn't mean you just get to opt out of anything to do with work until your kid is ten. Then you want to bring another into the mix so you can delay working more

Stop press. Life is hard for lots of people. People need to pay out childcare and travel expenses and work shifts and don't see one another as much as they would like

It's the absolute smug tone of this thread that's staggering. She decides. She dictates. Even my gran worked part time in the 70s. It's 2026. Unless you are very wealthy there is no reason to sit on your backside and not work

The kids should have holidays and social clubs. They should not lose out because their mother can't be bothered working

I was the 2nd daughter to parents who only wanted to be a son and I knew it.
I was a disappointment from birth.

I don't have a right to say I am not working full time and never having time with all of us together? I don't think I am selfish for that at all.

Nothing to do with not being bothered to work. I worked a good job 6 days a week some 16 hour days prior to DS1 so I have no issue working.

I do however prioritise time with my kids over a job.

Do you think that people who work full time never have time with their kids. They do. Maybe your partner needs to get a job that isn't nights - and I'll say something else. Working nights really isn't good for people. I've done it. It affects your health because at some point in the shift your body knows you should be in bed

He is asleep during the day although his parenting has improved massively since my previous thread.

No no. You can still have time with your kids and work when your youngest is older. Saying otherwise is really disingenuous

That is exactly what I have said. If he quits his job and goes and gets a monday - friday job 9-5 I will get a full time job too. But it would involve him moving to a different industry and starting from the bottom on a low salary so he wont do that understandably which is why he has agreed to me not working.

It’s never too late to have friends, OP! There are multiple different groups, clubs, etc that people can join to meet new people. I know you say you’re not bothered cos you have never had friends but it would definitely enrich your life @Karma1387

Apparently so. Which is staggering that she wants to have another kid with him

I dont class a couple of hours each day doing dinner and homework as 'seeing my kids' especially when they are young.

This is all also irrelevent as I have 5 years before my youngest is even at school.

He really should do that for the sake of his health. And your family. Because right now he has 2 kids he barely sees

I have 0 interest in friends. Its not about not being able to make them. I just don't want them.

I cant imagine anything worse than going to a club to try to make friends.

Its not irrelevant. Plenty of people work before their kids go to school

We would financially be awful. We would both be on likely minimum wage. With childcare costs and 2 cars running costs. We would be significantly worse off.

He also doesn't want to change his job or lose so much income and start again.

Pretty sure there are much worse things in life than trying to make friends

Do you think your anxiety and depression might be linked to fact you are utterly isolated with no friends at all? So your toddler doesn’t ever go to toddler classes or playgroups?

Your life is going to be very challenging with two young kids and a partner you barely see. I'm sure you know that though

It’s not about not being able to make them. I just don't want them.

it will be because you have no social skills

Why would I work full time to lose 1200 a month of a 1600 pay to childcare plus a new car and running cost? Thats just bloody stupid.

I was desperate for a girl and when i had a boy , I thought "just my luck...". A friend said " I know you wanted a girl but I bet you wouldnt swap him now"and I thought "i bloody would".... 28 years later, I couldn't imagine having a daughter - the idea is just alien to me 🤣

It’s a relief to know that this is all theoretical and you have no intention of even trying for a third for a few years 😅

I obviously have social skills otherwise I would have never succeeded in my career. But I have no desire for the social skill of 'chit chat'