AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

How many jobs exist 2 days a week 9-5? Plus I would earn about £800. After paying childcare, new car, car running costs there isnt going to be a lot left of that.

Would you have to get a second car?

And you would do it for reasons other than money - you'd get workplace pension contributions for a start. Time around other adults. Potential for your wages to go up over time, especially once your kids are in secondary and can get to/from school on their own.

And if your partner becomes long-term sick, or has to give up work because of their health, you then have the option of going full-time with him being the primary carer. It just offers you a bit more stability and widens your options a bit.

Yes we would have to get a second car as my partner wouldn't be home before I had to leave.

No I wouldn't do it just for other reasons. After their first year of secondary if they were happy being independent and said they didn't want or need me around as much I would look into going back to work.

I had an Aunt & Uncle who had 6 boys in their quest for a girl. They eventually split up because of the strain it put on their relationship. If there's already an aspect of your partner not being very invested, it will only get worse.

So what you’re saying is you will not ever go back to work until…. When?

Despite fact your partner would love you to return to work (presumably to lift the financial burden from him at some point).

I am beginning to see why you may not have any friends. To put it bluntly, you come across as selfish and self-absorbed an Op as I have come across.

Even the fact that you say having a third would mean a very basic life for your existing children;
and even though home schooling is clearly not in the best interests of your children (seeing as you lack any social skills and your work experience to date has been in retail);
and even fact your DP would love you to return to work to share the financial burden;
and even though your say your DP is not “overly invested” (whatever the heck that means) in your current children;
and despite having zero savings and a mere £20k equity…

you still want a third.

So you're going to stay at home for ten years? Completely selfish

There's a previous thread where she said he did literally nothing

But you said earlier you don't have a pension or anything like that - working would at least sort that out, and keep up your NI contributions so that you still qualify for benefits/state pension (if that still exists by the time you retire), which you won't get without enough contributions.

It will be a lot harder to go back after eleven years out of the workplace!

I would likely return to work once the kids are all settled into secondary school (unless I found a part time vacancy which didn't require childcare)

I don't have friends as I make no attempts to socialise.

Not sure it is selfish to want time with my kids and time as a family.

How do you and the kids get about now without a car? To the woods and beach and soft play and family that you mentioned?

If I this is all within walking distance then there must be some places within walking distance you could look fur jobs? If it's by public transport then it sounds like your local public transport is good enough to get you to work?

11 or so years yes unless a 9.30-2.30 vacancy comes up where I don't need a car.

Me me me.

As I said. Selfish

My partner works nights. He is home between 8.30-9 sometimes a little later. So I have a car during the day.

If I worked I would need a car to get kids to childcare and commute to work.

While your partner is out working full time. Of course

I think this is an issue where you don't have to decide now and trying to make a final decision when you're still in the fourth trimester isn't wise.

Get advice from your GP / ask to see a midwife for pre-pregnancy advice on the best timing of another pregnancy for your body. You need adequate recovery time between pregnancies. A bigger age gap might make more sense for spreading the childcare costs out over more years if you end up needing / wanting to work more.

You can see how your partner's relationship develops with your existing children over time before deciding. And at the same time you'll see how much parenting / life admin he does.

How wonderful you manage if you ended up as a single parent to four boys (twin pregnancies happen) where the youngest two are disabled (can't be ruled out in advance)?

So how will you get them to school?

I get child benefit so covered for NI contributions. If I worked 2 days a week my pension contribution would be like £40 hardly worth it.

Id only be going into a new entry level job if I did it now anyway so not much different.

If your DP would love you to return to work post maternity as you say he does… then Not. A. Chance. He’s going to accept you not working until 11. You are in for a sharp shock

Walk?

You said you'd need a car to get them to childcare. The schools usually have nurseries, breakfast clubs and after school clubs.

This is all daft.

You will return to work as your DP wants you to; your children will not be home schooled because no way will your DP change his mind on that given one of his concerns is you have zero social skills and that’s not going to change anytime soon…. So you can fantasise about all this… but it’s not going to happen.

Over and out

You don't have friends, social skills or a driving licence, you have no hobbies or interests, you are reliant on your partner, and you're thinking of home schooling your children.

Then he will have to take a 20k plus paycut because I am not working Monday- Friday whilst he works weekends and we never have time as a family.