AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

I used to see a woman doing a school pickup while walking my dog. She had five boys, two were twins and the baby was eight months old. She'd desperately wanted a girl but had given up. My daughter went to school with a girl who was the seventh child and the previous six were boys but her mother refused to give up until she'd had a daughter. How far a you prepared to go if the next one is also a boy?

My number 3 after two boys turned out to be 3 & 4, both boys. Number 5 also a boy.

I was never fussed about the sex, so it wasn't me trying to get a girl, I just wanted a big family.

And thats great and thats a choice you made. But my kids will see my partner working hard and will know I decided to priotitise time with them over working.

This only works if your partner truly respects you. I suspect he doesn't. He could easily be putting something, anything, into a private pension for you, if he truly values the sacrifices you are making. Even just a little a month.

What do you put that down to?

Someone who has zero friends and describes themselves as having “no social skills” is absolutely not someone who should home school.

He doesnt work irregular hours (although there is always a chance his days can change at short notice) but he does work all weekend. If I got a full time job Monday- friday we would never have any time as a family at all. We would also be paying for full time childcare and the idea of my kids being in chikdcare 7.30-6 everyday is depressing.

I worked during school times so I did prioritise time with them. I changed jobs after they grew up and moved out to earn more but also to enjoy a career of my own.

The fact alone that your dp isn’t that invested in the two you have makes me think adding another child in the mix would be incredibly selfish on your part. It’s all about what you want.

I don't put it down to anything. I have no interest in friendships.

I'm still curious about the issues with schools?

Would you prefer that your boys marry friendless homebods who have no social skills too, and have to be the sole breadwinner (with all the stress that involves), whilst she breeds infinite babies, becoming poorer with each one? Or would you like something better for them?

Thats great. And if my kids are all at school and I can find a job which is 9.30-2.30 I would happily take it as long as it wasn't working in a school.

I would like my kids to meet people they love.

But you say you have no social skills

that is not someone who should be home schooling and maybe that is a reason why your DP is dead against it

Personally? I don't agree with kids starting school so early. I don't agree with the amount of crappy rules around uniform etc, I don't like the increasing bad behaviour in schools, I don't like the bullying in schools. It is a personal opinion. My partner does not agree so unless he changes his mind then they will go to school.

Would you only work if you could find a job with these hours? You wouldn't work 9-5 2 or 3 days a week and use after school club? Sharing pick ups is also an option but I guess you've removed that option by not having friends.

Yes it is 1 of many reasons my partner is against it. And I will not homeschool if he doesn't agree to it.

Your partner sounds very sensible

just a bit shit on the parenting front

Agree. I have a friend who homeschooled for a bit while seeking a better school for her sen children.
She was very proactive however and took the children to a lot of groups with other home ed children.
If you aren't good at socialising how will you provide a rounded home education? I agree it's not the typical 9-3.30 style of schooling but there still needs to be some things you would want to do like encourage friendships.
Also to note while a lot of home ed clubs are at low prices, not all are and it would soon add up considering you don't want to spend money.

Hang fire a bit longer as you’re only 8 weeks PP. Take some time to enjoy your new baby boy

I don't want to put my kids into before and afterschool clubs. It is also not easy to find a 2-3 day 9-5 job plus the cost of childcare and running a second car making it not very beneficial financially.

So even if your children are at school for for 6/7 hours a day you're not going to work?

You couldn't possibly let them stay at school a couple of extra hours even twice a week? This just feels like excuses.

We have around £100-200 spare at the end of the month. I use this to do things with the kids. There is no more money in the pot for him to put into my pension even if he wants to.

I’m going to be an outlier here and say go for it! I had two boys and a girl, and now they’re all older and my daughter is pregnant, I know I’ll be closer to that grandchild than if/when my boys have kids.
And if you’ll love the third child either way, why not?