AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

You are starting to sound quite goady now in my view. There is nothing wrong with kids going to after school clubs. The fact that you don't want to send your kids to school is concerning in my view. It sounds like you just want to keep them at home as long as you can and that provides an opportunity to do so

She said she worked evenings when the kids were small so I'm assuming they were likely asleep!

You might not want to do anything other than spend time with your children but, as they get older, they likely will.

I don't need my children with me forever. I hope to grow strong, independent boys who strive to have what makes them happy in life.

I didn't have a social life or hobbies before kids so I wont need them when the kids don't need me. I always have the option of working when they are older/grown up.

I was desperate to see other parts of the world as a kid and didn't, partly because we couldn't often afford it, but mainly because my dad didn't see the point of doing so so we just... didn't go.

Your child may feel the same, or may end up being very talented at sport, or may at least want the chance to try playing an instrument or learning karate or any other social activity. "I never did it and I didn't feel I missed out" is quite a sad reason to deny your kids the opportunity to try these things out themselves.

Why? I haven't had any sort of friendships in probably 10 or more years. And no proper decent friendships before that. Why would I suddenly want them?

If you and your partner split for example

To model positive behaviour to your impressionable children, as well as going out to work, and having ambition, aspiration and wisdom. They look to you.

How are you going to model friendships and social skills to your children if you don't have any friends yourself?

Its no more goady than stating its sad for the life I have chosen? We all have our ways and priorities.

No issue at all with kids going to childcare after school if thats what the parents choose. But its also fine to not want that for my kids. Paying someone else to lool after them isn't appealing to me.

My issues with schooling has nothing to do with me wanting to keep them with me and more just not liking the school system. And homeschooling is veey undecided. My partner does not like the idea and I wont keep them home to educate if we don't agree. We have another year and a half to make that decision however.

My children have a strong work ethic and I think that’s down to them seeing both myself and my husband work. Granted I was part time but it helped with the clubs and activities they wanted to do growing up. Sure I could have spent all day every day with them but I didn’t think that was healthy for either of us.

What if your third is triplets

I don't have friendships or social skills so I have nothing to teach them. I take them to spend time with family and cousins so they can learn and interact. If they go to school they will also learn it there.

But you're considering not sending them to school. That's obviously a decision based on your wants rather than your children's needs as the eldest is only 2.

Socialisation suggests being out in society not just seeing family.

We mainly talk about his work or the kids. We don't get a huge amount of time together so we don't have much conversation time to fill.

I'm not interested in the beach or softplay or farms or forests but I do these things with my kids because they enjoy it.

How did you meet your partner if you have no friends or hobbies?

OP, I'm at home all day at the moment as I'm jobhunting, and only having contact most days with one other person (DH) rather than being out in the world is driving me completely insane. And I'm a person who has lots of things she's into. Once your kids are a bit older/at school/out of the house more you might find yourself going absolutely batshit crackers, and I wonder if part of the reason you're thinking about more children is because you're a bit worried about that.

The problem with dreams and navel-gazing, is that when you wake up, the real world and your partner may well have moved on without you.

Also,

Go for it. Worked for me two sons and one daughter. I wouldn’t have gone past three sons though. Tbh… it’s worth trying. You’ll know you gave it your best shot. Good luck 🎀.

You may very well be right. My kids could also end up having all those things (if I went and got a new career) but be sad that I wasn't around or we never had time as a family as we worked different days. Or they couldn't do the clubs they wanted because I was working (there is no guarantee of flexible working)

We met at work.

I havent ever cared about hobbies or friendships. If I was that bored when they are older I always have the ability to go back to work.

It is a decisipn based on my opinion of the school system and discussions with family who have kids in the system.

We go out in society. We go to farms and soft play and the beach. We see people out and about at these places.

This is a risk anyone takes even having 1 child!

What about things like them wanting to go to university or further study when they're older? There will be a big difference then between two children and three if you need to try and cover extra costs.

If your partner works irregular hours, then you could look at 9-5 or part-time work - a former colleague of mine was in exactly this situation and this is what she did. But it does sound like lack of money and limitations to your lifestyle is a bugbear for your partner at least, and that's going to become a bigger strain over time when your only options for holidays are school holidays, or if one of your kids wants to pursue an interest after school. In the latter case it would be a massive shame to limit them.

What's wrong with the school system? I could understand if your children were older and had SEN or mental health issues but they might really suit school. Are the schools near you particularly bad?

I think you have to consider whether you are able to homeschool, as well. I think of myself as pretty clever, but I'm not a trained teacher, nor am I equally good at all subjects, so I'd worry about them not getting as good a standard of education as they can as much as missing out on socialisation.

(And as someone who was diagnosed AuDHD as an adult, I know very well how school can be a miserable experience for some!)

Do you have specific concerns about schools?