AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

It will be a problem when your kids grow up and leave home. And you can't say it's always been this way for you - because your oldest child is two

I imagine the same as it was pre kids. Why would my life look any different post kids grown up to how it was pre kids.

What does my eldest being 2 make a difference to how my life was before him? Before he was born I worked full time, that is the only difference in my life.

OP I'm in a similar(ish) position, where I have 2 boys, have always wanted 3 kids, and always pictured a mix of sexes of those kids.

We are thinking about TTC number 3 this year. I know that I would absolutely love to have 3 boys, it sounds like such a fun gang, my 2 are hilarious and lovely already and it would just add to the chaos.

That said, if we do end up with another boy I think there would still be that pang of disappointment that I would not experience what it is like to raise a daughter.

Yes, girls can do anything boys can do and vice versa, and each person is an individual not a copy paste of their gender stereotypes. But posters insisting there are no differences between the sexes are disingenuous. Let's not reduce boys and girls to outdated stereotypes, but let's also not pretend boys and girls and men and women are the same. The sexes move through the world differently and teaching, guiding and navigating that with children of different sexes would be an interesting life experience.

I would love a third son if he appeared, I wouldn't be comfortable rolling the dice on number 3 if I definitely didn't want a boy. But two things can be true at the same time, that you can love your baby boy while mourning that you won't ever have a daughter.

Anyway, just some solidarity on the whole gender thing. The rest of our situations aren't comparable in terms of working hours etc so I can't add anything useful there.

No one knows what your life was like pre kids

The only difference pre kids is that I worked full time. I still didn't have friends etc.

Really? Did you have no hobbies, interests or friends then either?

Because you have no balance in your life apart from your kids. You have no interests of your own. No hobbies. No friends. What socialisation does your two year old get apart from with you and your partner?

Nope. I had horses for a while a few years ago but that was a too expensive hobby. I worked pre-kids and that was it.

But I had none of that stuff pre kids so my point is My 2 year old goes to nursery 3 days a week, sees my family including his many cousins, soft plays.

You stated 'it cant have always been this way for me because my eldest is 2'. It has infact been this way. I dont have friends and hobbies etc. It didnt bother me then so why would it now?

I don't know, I think it's only natural to want a child of your own sex. Also, mothers of girls tend to be much closer to their grandchildren than boy mums are. You're always closer to your daughter's children than your son's children. Daughters tend to stay closer to their families than boys do. Yes, all of this is generalising based on sex, but it also tends to be quite true.

I do not blame OP for wanting a girl in addition to her two boys at all.

But the financial issue would put me off. It sounds like things would be tight.

OP, if you want to have another baby, maybe the trade-off could be that you work more than you want during the children's childhoods?

I guess it would bother me because it's not just me anymore and I would want to give my children a more full life.

What has my interests and social life got to do with how 'full' my kids lives are?

My kids go to the beach and forests and see family etc etc. We play together and love eachother. That is what will make my kids lives full. Not whether I have friends or my own hobbies.

But you said you already won't be able to afford for your children to do sports or learn and instrument or go abroad and show them the world. And you're considering adding another.

It isn't just you. It is clear that the only thing you think of is having babies.
But your children will grow up and want to do other things not always involving you. That will happen regardless of how many children you have.

If you can't afford to sort out a pension for yourself then you can't afford a third child.

What happens if your partner is made redundant? It would be mad in this current economy to give up work with the view that one wage can support you all, not without enough savings to cover your expenses for at least a year in case that happens.

I wouldn't have been able to afford these thing even with 1 DC once I decided I couldn't go back to my career I changed the expectations.

Our lifestyle is the same if I had 1 or 2 children. I haven't decided on 3 and the financial side is a part of this too a degree.

I didn't do sports or learn an instrument or see the world. I don't feel like I missed anything.

And I have no issue if my children want to do things without me. Why would I?

That so honestly really sad. I’ve worked extra jobs in my evenings when my kids were small to pay for the sports and music lessons. Don’t regret it at all. Even now, my son is having some extra coaching and I’ve been putting out feelers for extra work so I can justify the spend. Kids gain to much in terms of knowledge and confidence from extra curriculars

I gave up my career after DS1 so that ship has sailed. Yes it would be an issue if my partner was made redundant as we have no savings.

I only have boys - all grown up now. I am close to them all, and involved in my grandchildren's lives. I didn't particularly want a child of my own sex, why would I? I just wanted healthy children. They are all individuals, all different from each other.
OP, you really should make a life for yourself apart from your children - you can't keep them with you for ever.
I love my family, but I have a life of my own too.

Oh god between this and you giving up work you will be in an incredibly vulnerable position if anything happens with your relationship.

And what do you and your DP find to talk about if you have no hobbies or interests? And how can you homeschool if you aren't interested in anything?

When I was young - a long time ago we got free music tuition at school. My mum was a single parent and money was tight and in those days there weren't the same kind of clubs there are now - but we went on holiday and I went on holiday twice with the school band. It's important that kids do things outside of the home

My mum used to take my brother to watch football every week when he was young

I think its very sad that working to pay for clubs is more important than time with your kids yourself (especially if they are young)

Personally I didn't have kids to just have them in childcare, school and loads of clubs and not actually have a good amount of time with them.

But everyone is entitled to their own views and ways of parenting.

Because at some point you might need friends