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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

829 replies

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 13:35

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

OP posts:
Hillarious · 12/05/2026 20:40

A quick count of the families I know through school and work with kids around the same age as mine, I know of ten families with three boys and another two with four boys. I see a pattern there.

HeyThereDelila · 12/05/2026 20:53

YABU and not guaranteed a girl. What’s wrong with boys anyway?

Girls aren’t dolls. What if she doesn’t like shopping/clothes/pink?

Would you resent a boy? How unfair to him.

Are we, the taxpayer, subsidising you having a third while you’re on a min wage job?

You’re 8 weeks postpartum - that’s no time to be making decisions about anything.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 21:05

HeyThereDelila · 12/05/2026 20:53

YABU and not guaranteed a girl. What’s wrong with boys anyway?

Girls aren’t dolls. What if she doesn’t like shopping/clothes/pink?

Would you resent a boy? How unfair to him.

Are we, the taxpayer, subsidising you having a third while you’re on a min wage job?

You’re 8 weeks postpartum - that’s no time to be making decisions about anything.

We don't get any benefits as my partner earns too much so no you arent 'subsidising' anything!

And there is nothing wrong with boys! I love both my boys more than anything.

OP posts:
andthat · 12/05/2026 22:00

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 17:44

He isnt indifferent. He loves our boys.

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@Karma1387 You said ‘but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.’

So he loves them. But can’t be arsed with them.

The point still stands…

RunSlowTalkFast · 12/05/2026 22:23

£50k to support a family of 5 sounds pretty hard.

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 15:26

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 16:08

He doesn't like it. It wasn't the plan when I got pregnant with DS1 I stupidly assumed I would be happy to go back to my job. It became clear quickly it wouldn't be emotionally or physically practical for me to return to my job. So I quit and went on a minimum wage 2 night week job which I can't go back to after Mat leave as my partners days have changed and he is required to have flexibility.

He would like a bigger house, nice holidays and to be able to spend money without me pointing out we cant afford it.

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@Karma1387

do you like it? Only having the basics and no treats?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 15:30

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 15:26

@Karma1387

do you like it? Only having the basics and no treats?

Show quote history

Of course I would love to have more money and more treats.

But I value time with my boys far far more. I wouldn't trade all the time I have with them for constant childcare just to have more money.

OP posts:
Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 15:31

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 15:30

Of course I would love to have more money and more treats.

But I value time with my boys far far more. I wouldn't trade all the time I have with them for constant childcare just to have more money.

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@Karma1387

sounds like your husband would like more nice things and holidays though so he might not want a third child

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 15:35

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 15:31

@Karma1387

sounds like your husband would like more nice things and holidays though so he might not want a third child

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He has said yes to a third if I want it. Its more about what I want and if I want it enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 15:36

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 15:31

@Karma1387

sounds like your husband would like more nice things and holidays though so he might not want a third child

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But yes my partner would love more money and holidays but he knows we wont have that whether we have 3 or stick at 2.

OP posts:
Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 15:49

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 15:36

But yes my partner would love more money and holidays but he knows we wont have that whether we have 3 or stick at 2.

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@Karma1387

but surely you’ll have even less and life will be even more basic and thus he’ll be less happier if you have a third child?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 15:53

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 15:49

@Karma1387

but surely you’ll have even less and life will be even more basic and thus he’ll be less happier if you have a third child?

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It wouldn't be vastly different. We din't have holidays etc now so life wouldn't change much.

But I'm not 100% about the third so after the responses on here I am going to wait a few years then decide.

OP posts:
Moonnstarz · 13/05/2026 15:54

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 15:35

He has said yes to a third if I want it. Its more about what I want and if I want it enough.

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That doesn't sound like a very fair relationship if it's all about what you want.

As I said before it doesn't sound like you take him into account at all and only see him as a means to fund your children.

I think you are also ignoring the issue of what the children want. Having multiple children means they might miss out on clubs as you can't afford it for everyone.

RampantIvy · 13/05/2026 15:56

But I'm not 100% about the third so after the responses on here I am going to wait a few years then decide.

Good call @Karma1387

I also think you need to be less financially reliant on your partner. He isn't your husband and if anything happened to him or he decided to end the relationship you would be entitled to nothing as you wouldn't be considered next of kin. He would need to support his children but not you.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 15:59

Moonnstarz · 13/05/2026 15:54

That doesn't sound like a very fair relationship if it's all about what you want.

As I said before it doesn't sound like you take him into account at all and only see him as a means to fund your children.

I think you are also ignoring the issue of what the children want. Having multiple children means they might miss out on clubs as you can't afford it for everyone.

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I don't think we could afford clubs for any of them anyway (unless he gets promotions and earns more).

Not taking him into account would be not giving him a choice. I have made it clear if he 100% doesnt want more he can get a vasectomy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 16:01

RampantIvy · 13/05/2026 15:56

But I'm not 100% about the third so after the responses on here I am going to wait a few years then decide.

Good call @Karma1387

I also think you need to be less financially reliant on your partner. He isn't your husband and if anything happened to him or he decided to end the relationship you would be entitled to nothing as you wouldn't be considered next of kin. He would need to support his children but not you.

Unfortunately only way to be less financially reliant is to work which I don't want to miss out on my kids. I know its risky for me but I have to prioritise what I want now for my kids and me. Not what could happen if the relationship ended.

OP posts:
Desperatelyseekinglazysusan · 13/05/2026 16:06

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 15:36

But yes my partner would love more money and holidays but he knows we wont have that whether we have 3 or stick at 2.

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Hmmm he doesn't sound like someone who is going to want to stick around long term. He's earning the money and its all going on someone who isn't working and on kids he doesn't seem that keen on. You both seem fairly young too.

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 16:08

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 16:01

Unfortunately only way to be less financially reliant is to work which I don't want to miss out on my kids. I know its risky for me but I have to prioritise what I want now for my kids and me. Not what could happen if the relationship ended.

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@Karma1387

what have you got going on in your life besides the kids, OP? Hobbies, interests, exercise, friends, etc?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 16:09

Desperatelyseekinglazysusan · 13/05/2026 16:06

Hmmm he doesn't sound like someone who is going to want to stick around long term. He's earning the money and its all going on someone who isn't working and on kids he doesn't seem that keen on. You both seem fairly young too.

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Im late 20's and he is early 30's.

Technically whilst I don't want to, I have stated I would get a full time job if he quits his and gets a normal 9-5 Monday- Friday job.

Understandably he doesn't like this option as we would have an even lower household income plus childcare costs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 16:10

Cherrytree86 · 13/05/2026 16:08

@Karma1387

what have you got going on in your life besides the kids, OP? Hobbies, interests, exercise, friends, etc?

Show quote history

No hobbies, interests or friends. The kids are my day to day life 😊

OP posts:
Moonnstarz · 13/05/2026 16:19

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 15:59

I don't think we could afford clubs for any of them anyway (unless he gets promotions and earns more).

Not taking him into account would be not giving him a choice. I have made it clear if he 100% doesnt want more he can get a vasectomy.

Show quote history

You refuse to use contraception though, so basically the only choice he has to ensure you don't become pregnant and to retain a sex life is to have a vasectomy, so taking away the choice.

Again it sounds like its all about you and you don't care about anyone else, and probably not even if the children if they will miss out on things in the future just because you wanted lots of them.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 16:23

Moonnstarz · 13/05/2026 16:19

You refuse to use contraception though, so basically the only choice he has to ensure you don't become pregnant and to retain a sex life is to have a vasectomy, so taking away the choice.

Again it sounds like its all about you and you don't care about anyone else, and probably not even if the children if they will miss out on things in the future just because you wanted lots of them.

Show quote history

I said the GP asked if we would consider my partner having a vasectomy so I don't have to put my body through contraception. I never said I refused to go on it! The GP asking this is what prompted to conversation of do we want a third. My partner is more than happy to have a vasectomy if we know we aren't having anymore as we don't get much of a sex life when I am on contraception!

Not sure 2 is lots of them. And I'm not jumping into having a 3rd hence posting on here to give some perspective.

OP posts:
ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 16:24

Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 16:10

No hobbies, interests or friends. The kids are my day to day life 😊

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That's really unhealthy and it might explain why you want so many of them.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 13/05/2026 16:25

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 16:24

That's really unhealthy and it might explain why you want so many of them.

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Its just how my life is and has always been. Not a problem for me 😊

OP posts:
EmpressaurusKitty · 13/05/2026 16:29

So what happens when there are no more babies & the kids are all old enough to be independent?

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