AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

Well if you’re thinking of home schooling…. That rules out a third logistically. How would you home school and have a newborn baby and a toddler?

and yet another thing your partner doesn’t want. Just like he doesn’t want you not working.

you well and truly rule the roost it would seem

I think its awful peoples attitude on this. No he hasn't been the most engaged dad until his recent paternity leave but life for him has been a bit shit in the first year of DS1 life and after my thread in January where I got lots of advice and opinions he has greatly improved over the last few months! Everyone has bad times and everyone has the ability to improve which he is!

No men have “more boy sperm” . That’s not how meiosis works.
It’s 50:50.

Why would you need to find term time only? What loads do is clubs

It isn’t actually

Both of you suffer from very long standing anxiety and depression. Just focus on your toddler and baby, especially if you intend to home school!!

you are all over the place. To be expected as you have just had a newborn

Because I don't agree with young children doing loads of education at such a young age so we arent going to be doing 6 odd hours of hard schooling a day. We would be out and about learning and developing through play.

However homeschooling has not been decided. This is a subject matter I wont pursue if we cant agree on it. But we have another yeah and a half before we have to decide so we have agreed to keep researching and make a decision next year when applications go in.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure

You shouldnt be having any more children at all with a man who isn't "invested" in his existing children.

Yes but they cost money! A lot of money! My point about if I worked full time and he took a 20k paycut maybe more plus the cost of childcare, extra car etc would likely make us worse off than we are now.

Which is why I don't believe he will force me back into work (obviously you never know but he wont want to lose all that money and pay childcare costs etc)

@Karma1387 please be aware that someone who posted repeatedly at the start of your thread has been banned and joined again. They are trying to rile you; they do this on a lot of threads. I have reported.

Well that time is some way off
and the pair of you have a lot of hurdles to jump through first given you fundamentally disagree on schooling

It takes a lot to rile me I have a 2 year old 🤣 I am thick skinned. I assume its the one who is replying a lot lol

It is some way off I agree. We will have to see what happens. I have 5 years before DS2 starts school so a long time indeed!

A lot

Well, thank goodness for that - as we were!

I don't get the problem honestly. You said you would start in 2 years or have one in 2 years. Either way you have at least a year to think about it. Your baby is 8 weeks old. Maybe Focus on him and your 2 year old for now and then see how you feel in a year ?

Do you have/did you have a career/degree/job before DC, OP? What about your living situation? Do you have a mortgage on your home?

I can honestly say you have to consider all of the options. What if your body doesn't like being pregnant again? Or you get severe post natal depression? Or a disability? Or even a disabled DC?

I was a store manager in convenience retail so a reasonable wage (not by MN standard) but for us borh earning similar is was good. We do have a mortgage on our house yes.

My body didn't like being pregnant the 1st 2 times 🙈 but thank you. I think I will have to cope on the contraception until I know what we truly want/ can afford in a couple of years time.

That's good you are being level headed, and sensible. Maybe you can consider part time retail for the foreseeable future too? Or even something that is a sideways move?

The hours just suck with retail. They want 6am starts or 10pm finishes which don't work. I am keeping an eye for something for part time family friendly so I will have to see what comes up.

I don’t really understand what you don’t understand. I’m not being sarcastic or difficult on purpose there. Boy or girl would have been my child who I loved.

I was in this dilemma. I had 2 sons and thought about having a 3rd child but knew i would feel disppointed if it wasn't a girl. I decided not to go ahead.
I had seen previously seen disappoint in the sex of a child when I was doing my obstetrics rotation (before the days of routine scans at 20 weeks). A woman who already had 4 daughters was in labour. She wanted a boy, she delivered another girl. Her reaction was not one of joy.

I would really factor in the risk to your marriage of having a third.

From what you’ve said, your partner is working so much that he doesn’t have much time with your existing children and has struggled to bond with them. He is presumably going to have to work at least as much with three children. He doesn’t have any particular desire for a third. He has been a better parent recently but how will he manage if he needs to step up with your two older children while still working so that you can care for the baby?

You have already had some difficulties around his parenting with only two children albeit that it is a bit better at the moment.

You disagree over you working. Money is a stressor and might be more so with three children.

No one expects to get divorced / split up with a longterm partner but it happens to a lot of couples (including me). There are so many issues which could cause irresolvable resentment to build up between you here. He could walk away and potentially have more time and money.

It sounds like you are someone for whom being a single parent could be very difficult and not at all the life you would want. You would probably have to work. You may lose up to 50% time with your children. Money would be a real issue. You probably couldn’t homeschool.

If you want a third child have one by all means I’m sure you won’t regret it but there is no way of knowing if it’s a boy or a girl . But rest assured you will love that bay either way