AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

If you had 3 kids and hadn't worked for a few years I'd imagine you gaining the level of job that would mean you'd get no UC would be pretty low!

(I'm a low earner myself)

Does your partner actually want to do this? It's hard to tell from your posts.
Also there is a big difference in he could earn a lot more and go from around £30k to £50k, to someone who is earning £100k and could earn £120k.

I also find you see him as funds to making your baby dreams happen. Who cares if he actually sees these kids, as long as he pays for them.

And I dreamt of living in a house with a swimming pool. But guess what, life doesn’t always work like that and where you have no control over things you grow up and realise life is about making the best of what you have.

Your youngest is only 8 weeks so I would see how you feel in a couple of years. I voted YNBU.

Personally I wouldn’t bother unless you are 100 percent with having 3 or 4 boys . Or go to Cyprus and get IVF and choose the gender (not something that sits right with me personally but just saying it’s an option )

I know someone who ahs 5 boys, constantly trying for a girl. She loves them all dearly and they ar a great group of lads, but she was absolutely broken hearted when she found out the 5th was a boy.

Also you are 8 weeks postpartum, with a young toddler, the only decisions you should be making right now for yourself, I would suggest, are - should I eat, sleep or wash?

Try and enjoy what you've got not long for what you are missing.

I think yabu

I have 2 boys and whilst I would have loved a girl I’m content with my children and decided not to have a third child.

I think if you would be happy with a third boy then go for number 3 but you say you may want a 4th if you don’t get a girl next time. I have a friend who had 2 boys then a girl and she definitely favours the girl. It’s quite sad to see. What is the effect on the kids of the less desired gender?

I’m not convinced that your relationship will survive another child, it doesn’t sound all that healthy.

Life gets busier in a way as kids get older. School runs, taking them to their activities, play dates, birthday parties, sick days, dentist/optician/medical appointments, juggling work and school holidays, helping with homework. Not to mention the cost as you’d already touched upon. The world is set up for families of 4, holidays and cars etc become disproportionately more expensive if you have a third. Unless one of you is a high earner I wouldn’t consider it.

Seen this happen to so many people - go for a girl after two boys. Only to end up with a third boy.

The only reason to have another is if you knew (hypothetically) with 100% certainty it would be another boy and you’d still want to go ahead and choose that third boy.

For now concentrate on loving your newborn son the way he deserves.

As someone about to enter my 8th round of IVF I find you utterly selfish. Be grateful what the two beautiful boys you have and stop wasting their childhood wondering what the ‘next one’ may be.

OP I was in a similar position to you, wanted a girl after two boys.
I treated it like a special operation read up all about sex selection, all the studies etc, special diets, when in your cycle to have to have sex followed all the instructions etc.
Well my third pregnancy turned out to be a twin pregnancy and yes it was two boys!!

Some major back tracking has gone on

Thread Title AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?
followed by However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl.

and now it is just about having a third and would be over the moon with a boy

And how did you feel about it?

You are being very unreasonable @Karma1387 to consider having another child with a man who is indifferent to the two kids he’s got.

Unless you 2ould be happy with three boys it really isn't worth the risk if you're going to be disappointed.

I wouldn't sacrifice time with my 2 boys by going back to work full time just to have a 3rd. If my partner can earn more in the next couple of years we could possibly afford a 3rd.

Do you have an issue with all forms of contraception?

Okay fine I may need some universal credit but unless I didn't care about spending time with my kids whilst they are young and spent the next 5-10 years working my way up a good career ladder than I would need a bit of universal credit anyway.

Oooh, yeah - have another baby and have another one after that!

We had to stop at 3 cos we were getting old, but.....go for it, have a little tribe!

Depending on how far he wants to go he has the earning potentail of going from 50k to over 100k. It would take a while and there are other promotions before hitting that level but if he wanted he could. He likes money so he would like to keep moving up. Not sure he wants the role earning over 100k. He hasn't got that far yet to think about it.

He would actually have more time with us if he moved up as he woudn't have to work nights or the whole weekend.

I have 3 DC, OP. Two girls and a boy.

My eldest and youngest are girls, my son is the middle one. I actually have a huge fondness for my son, in a way that I never thought I would. I feel very protective and proud of him, as I do feel about all my DC.

However, look at what you do have, genuinely. Be grateful for the two healthy children you so have. That is key, and so important. My youngest daughter wasn't planned, and is a joy, but it really is bloody hard work with three. I look at my time with two DC and really remember just how much spare time, money and energy I actually had compared to now.

Plus like me, will you be absolutely knackered in the throes of perimenopause as they become tweens and teens? It's not been an easy ride at all, and I know my third pregnancy aged 39 probably triggered perimenopause that literally started a few months during the post natal period. Keep that in mind, and with a baby plus two young age children, doing all of this being perimenopausal in a few years might be a lot to cope with.

All negativity aside, it might not end so badly, and your dream girl might be one who completes the family. Just be mindful of the reality that may happen too.

I would be over the moon with a boy as I love my boys. It doesn't change the fact I am concerned my desire for a 3rd is because I would like a girl not because I 100% want a 3rd. I would be over the moon with a boy as they would be my baby.

He isnt indifferent. He loves our boys.

Yeah unfortunately so. I can have it (I have restarted the Depo shot for now whilst we decide about the vasectomy) but they make my moods very wacky and I get killer headaches and nausea and constant bleeding and anything internal causes pain or itching so don't like to use condoms etc.

But not willing to do natural planning as I don't want another baby yet if we did want another!

What about condoms?

More than two children is a pain in tbe arse, and I say that as a mum of 3. As soon as you go past 2 it's harder and more expensive. You can't usually get family rooms for more than 2 adults and 2 children and you will probably need a 7 seater car. I love my DC and wouldn't be without them, but 2 would have been much easier.