AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

Copper coil?
Diaphragm/ cap combined with spermicide?
Lambskin condoms?

you could even combine a few of these with cycle tracking.

(my experience with hormonal contraceptives was so horrible that I simply do not want to try again, btw! So yes, I unfortunately understand where you’re coming from…)

As long as you'll truly be happy with three boys, go for it x

Also to add, what about the cost of all these children when they grow up..
Taking them to and paying for clubs. You have already said your partner isn't that invested and works weekends, so if one child is into football and the others aren't what happens then? Do you drag them all round with you? It's bad enough doing it with 2 let alone 3 kids.

I think you need to accept that dreams that you have when you are 14 very rarely come true. You have to accept life as it is now, not try to fulfill some teenage fantasy.

You have two kids, aren't married and plan to give up work whilst admitting that your finances aren't great. I think you'd be mad to have a baby of either sex. What do think is going to be different in 2-3 years time?

Honestly, I say no. There are obviously physical differences between boys and girls. But in terms of raising them? No. Any perceived differences come from gender biases in how the parent raises them. Anyone “wanting a girl” or “wanting a boy” is saying that because they have an idea of what they want that girl or boy to be like and will raise them to be that way until perhaps the child develops independence to think or act differently.

If you had two daughters, would you be considering trying for a son?

Don’t get these posts at all. You were ‘desperate’ for a girl and had a girl but ‘would’ve loved a boy the same’? Because part A really doesn’t support part B of that statement.

My friend had 4 boys before she finally accepted that she wasn't going to have a daughter.

As mum of both I agree with this 100%

Gender disappointment seems to have really ramped up over the past 5 years

I blame the twee Insta optics of ‘girl mom🥰’, ‘best friends for life’ and the silly pink bows

And absolutely this. Nail on head. You are not in a position to have another baby. Just get on with things and stop dwelling on fantasies. Love your kids.

I am 8 weeks post partum too, fair play to you being able to think of having another child 🤣 my Levosert is firmly remaining in utero for the conceivable future

It’s entirely your choice but certainly not unreasonable. We had three girls , one last baby which was a boy, but would have been fine with another girl,4 was definitely it though

But you are a mum of both (as am I) and so very easy to take a view that it is unreasonable to have gender disappointment.

I am very close to my mum. My brother is also but it’s different. I spend time meeting my mum for lunch and going shopping together an having a daily natter and a gossip. Now is it a given I’ll do that with my daughter when she’s almost 50, no idea but I doubt I’ll be doing it with my son (even though I hope we’ll stay super close).

I have enjoyed having the best of both worlds. I would have honestly been upset to have not have had a girl but by the same token, since it takes £200k to raise 1 child to 18, it is a lot of extra money to find for a 3rd child without taking away opportunities for the first 2. Providing for them would always have come ahead of my desire for a 3rd child.

I know a lot of people who had 2 children the same sex then had a 3rd child (for a few of them I know it was because they wanted the other sex but for the majority I don't know them well enough for their reasons for having children to ever come up). Out of the ones that ended up with 3 girls or 3 boys, not one has gone on to have a 4th to keep trying.

So my innacurate, anecdotal evidence is that 3 children is a 'why not take take a punt and see if we can get both' situation that isn't that much different to having 2 children. But 4 children tips over into the 'woah, that's a lot of kids no matter what sex they are and we really need to consider it/probably not do it' territory.

Well, you're wrong. Of course there is a difference. A difference in how you raise them to act and see themselves in the world, that is fundamentally influenced by their sex. A difference in the relationship dynamic you will have with them as a mother or father. Some differences when it comes to how to nurture their emotional and psychological wellbeing. Yes a lot of superficial differences in 'gender' are cultural and environmental, but many are not, and it doesn't do anyone any favours to pretend otherwise.

You have an 8 week old baby op.. just enjoy him. And think again in a years time.

I agree that there are some differences like the ones you’re alluding to, but there are also differences between children anyway. No 2 kids are the same. Whatever you do or have, you can’t curate the experience you want.

but no he isn't as invested in the kids as I am.

There's your answer then.
Don't have any more children because it will just mean more work for you.

And it's sex not gender.

Where did I say I would go on benefits? I said I would have to deal with it if the time came. That would mean having to go back to work even if I didn't want to. I have the luxury of choice at the moment. I wouldn't have that if I was a single mum!

The difference could be my partner earning a lot more but of course understand there is no guarantees.

100%. I always wanted a boy as well.

This was me, my two boys are now 16 & 14; honestly you will get over it. My sister has a girl and she is haaaard work.

I don't care about it being more work for me. That isn't a huge consideration for me as its what I always wanted. The finances etc are more barriers to me.

If finances are the issue and with the fact that you're not married would it not make sense to go back to work full time, get yourself in a financially firm position and then have a third child 5-6 years down the line if you still want one? You're young enough that you have time on your side

I wanted 1 girl. I'm on my fourth boy. When do say enough is enough 😅
Seriously though I'm content with my lot. Couldn't cope with more kids and I love them all loads. Don't think about gender just ask if your family is complete yet and go from there