AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

He doesn't like it. It wasn't the plan when I got pregnant with DS1 I stupidly assumed I would be happy to go back to my job. It became clear quickly it wouldn't be emotionally or physically practical for me to return to my job. So I quit and went on a minimum wage 2 night week job which I can't go back to after Mat leave as my partners days have changed and he is required to have flexibility.

He would like a bigger house, nice holidays and to be able to spend money without me pointing out we cant afford it.

Sorry not the point of this thread at all but just seen you're not married and don't work, nor do you have any plans to go to work. Please please please either get married or go back to full time work. Ideally both. If you split up you are in an incredibly perilous financial situation, which isn't fair to either you or your boys. You are currently entirely dependent on a partner who could scarper at any time.

Keep trying until you get a girl @Karma1387 . You could pop out about 6 boys before you're 42 if you get cracking.

I have used them all! I have gone back on contraception for npw whilst we are deciding as I dont want to risk anything but GP just wanted me to think if I was done at 2 then partner can get the vasectomy and after 6 or so months we wouldn't have to worry about me being on anything and suffering.

I also react quite badly to condoms (even latex free ones) they cause me a lot of pain internally.

Could or would your DH spend more time with the children if you worked? That would be just as valuable. It would also give house more security… what if your DH lost his job? Became disabled?

anyhow… You don't need to decide right now. Enjoy the time you have with your two boys and if (in 2 years time) you and your DH both want a 3rd child? No matter the gender? That’s the time to truly consider this. Right now you’re just torturing yourself with „what ifs“…

🤣🤣 I wouldn't go down this route.

No as he still would be working the same days/shifts so the kids would just have to go into childcare and we wouldn't have any time as a whole family.

He would love me to but he wont make me as he knows I dont want them in full time childcare.

I have used them all! Of course you have. Methods of contraception - NHS

No job and wants 3 kids. What you gonna do if your not-husband leaves, which is likely considering you admitted he's not invested in them and won't even marry you? Dude. Is this rage bait?

I missed your update about contraception btw… if it’s a hormonal issue you might have more luck with a copper coil.

Anyhow, if you don’t want to return to work you definitely should get married ASAP.

edit: you working PT wouldn’t put them in FT childcare, btw!

As someone whos mum as 29 still tells her she wanted you to be a boy and obsesses over my son and even tried to convince me to name him what she wanted to name me if I was a boy. I know that is so so damaging!

So you spent your life being told by your mother that she wanted you to be a boy.

And you have a strong overriding dream of a family where girls and boys are equally important.

<goes to hunt out psychology text book>

It wasn't a serious suggestion.

There are plenty of parents who work and have time together as a family. Presumably he gets days off?

YABU to have a third purely in the hope of having a girl.
You need to consider it having a third whether you can
A. Definitely afford it (you mention partner having better earning potential, but does he want to work more/do a different job just to suit you wanting another child).
Would you go to work full time to facilitate this (e.g when the current baby is around a year old)?
B. Have the facilities to enable a third child? What is your housing situation? Would they have to share rooms? What about cars? Do you have a 7 seater?
C. Know that would be it, if it was a boy you would stop at 3 or would this be a continuous cycle of keep trying at which point it can become very obvious to the children as they get older and others that was why you had so many children and then stopped.
D. Have a partner that is fully onboard. You mention difficulties in the past and he is not overly involved. How will that work with dealing with school? Poorly children? Attending plays and events? Even managing work and housework. There are always many posts on here from women moaning their husband won't help with older children while they breastfeed/are up all night with a baby but then you read through and find out the partner was always a bit useless.
E. Can manage 3 kids as it's always a bit of an odd one out scenario. Your two boys are currently going to be playmates for eachother. If you are waiting a few years for another then that is a bigger gap and you then have two kids who want to do one thing and then a baby/toddler with completely different needs. My friend always found school holidays hard with a 4 year gap as her two boys don't want to play together and she found that trying to find something for them both to do on a day out hard.

I cant use any with combined hormones due to migrains and all the single hormones ones I have tried. The only thing I havent used is a female condom as I imagine this would have the same issue as male ones!

He works the weekends so I would have to work a Monday- Friday job so no we wouldn't get time as a family.

I have tried both and both sent me to the hospital in agony unfortunately. Possibly due to my endometriosis.

No but trying to find a part time role 9-3 3 days a week (free nursery hours) isn't easy to find.

You could work part time surely

That was your childhood dream. We’ve probably all had them, I know I did when I was young. I wanted four kids, two boys/two girls (or four boys) a doting husband, a large rambling house and no money worries. I was brought up on The Waltons so I had that big happy family blueprint in my head.

But then you grow up, life takes you on different paths and you grow out of the set idealistic images you had in your head as a child. I have two grown up boys, a brilliant relationship with both of them, I don’t have the rambling country house and the doting partner didn't live up to expectations. I ended up bringing them up alone. But my life is good despite never bearing any resemblance to my childhood dream of The Waltons.

Well I would have to deal with that if the time came wouldn't I?

If I can find a 9-3 3 days a week job with no commute (nursery free hours) then yes but that is a long shot.

our tax money hard at work, people. I can't even afford to have my own child (singular) on £81k per year, why should I have to pay for you to have 3?