AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

No self esteem issues. I have never had any dreams besides being a mum.

Sure I would love a big house and fancy holidays but thats not worth missing out on time with my kids so I gave it up.

That's good.. Always look after your own interests.. Partner paying into a pension for you whilst you are not earning?

Your 'dream' seems rather... butterfly collector though. Like you want the full set for no reason other than having the full set. I'd at least understand if you had a desire to fill your house with pink and have a lil best friend to gossip with. You'd be unreasonable still, but if you yourself are a girly girl girls' girl, wanting more of that energy is at least understandable. But you just seem to want a girl to say that you have a girl, because you always thought you'd have a girl. Which I'm not sure is the best reason to extend your family. By all means grow it if you really want another baby - if 3 or 4 kids just feels like the best way to make your time on earth meaningful. I salute that. But it's not that for you either. You've retreated from your vision of a larger family - but not from your vision of having a girl.

My son has actually asked if I'd have preferred him to be a girl. And I told him - honestly - that when I was pregnant I couldn't imagine being anything other than the mother of a girl, I really wanted a girl, but from the moment he was born it became abundantly clear that it wasn't about boy or girl. I became the mother of this gorgeous sunny charming energetic force of nature that matches my energy beat for beat. My partner in crime. Boy or girl is completely immaterial, and totally the wrong framing of any question. He is my beating heart on the outside, the sunshine of my life, and I would choose him in every alternative future. I was destined to be his mother.

By this point he's backing away slowly from the crazy lady... But genuinely. I don't think you'll feel any different about a girl than a boy. Not if the way you write about your boys is true. Genitals really don't factor in.

That’s a lot of pressure on that girl to meet your hopes and expectations.

You aren't married and your partner cant be bothered with the children you have, despite one being 8 weeks old. If you want to be a single parent to 3 kids, then go ahead.

I would be happy if it was a boy. I wasn't disapppointed when my second was a boy either. My kids are an absolute gift to me. Wanting a girl doesn't change the love of my boys.

We will get married eventually. Probably later this year or next.

my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

DO NOT have more children with this man.

My partner owns it too. Its a joint house and no we cant afford to pay into my pension. We don't pay huge amounts into his.

He can be bothered he just isn't around much and being a dad doesn't come as naturally to him. But he makes a lot of effort in the time he has with them.

There are 0 expectations. Just a desire for both genders no matter who they are or our relationship.

Not the same, no. Sex = biology. Gender is what gets layered over that (boys don’t cry, girls can’t do maths). Always reductive and always limiting to either sex.

My boys are my world. I never knew I could feel the love I do but my boys showed me a whole new level of loving someone.

Perhaps you are right and having a girl wont mean as much to me emotionally as I think it will.

You weren't disappointed your second was a boy, yet you're already planning your 3rd when he's only 8 weeks! Threads like these make me sad.

There must be differences but what are they, that causes obsessional thinking? I only have boys so can’t say what the very profound emotional differences must be to cause so much angst to those that don’t get their girl (or boy).

A family friend had a still born baby girl. She was desperate for a baby girl and had 6 boys before finally getting her longed for girl. Who had zero interest in the frills and glitter her mother desired and now plays for the national rugby team.

Fair enough you learn something new everyday. I don't believe in certain standards or restrictions for girls or boys. I am not a girly girl in the slightest.

@Karma1387

a very “basic” life with no treats sounds pretty shit to be fair. It’s really hard working and not being able to spend any of your earnings on nice stuff…how does your partner feel about that?

Have you slept through all the trans issues which are founded in these stereotypes?! What bliss that would be!

Of course there are exceptions but if you have two boys already you are more likely to have a boy next time too.

No I have no intention of a 3rd for a couple of years.

GP asked if I had considered my partner having a vasectomy to allow me not to be on contraception as I don't handle it well at all. This has meant we have had to have a discussion about if we really do want a 3rd or not enough for me to cope a couple of years on contraception.

Literally how can you not be “overly invested” in your own children, that is a crazy sentence😳

If you TTC, you have to accept he may not be invested in this one either and it’s all going to fall on you, especially if you ever split up.

Be careful what you wish for. Many years ago I knew a family with three absolutely lovely girls. The mum was happy with the situation but the dad (who was an old school bloke/dinosaur) was desperate for a boy. So they tried again and got their boy who was born profoundly disabled. He had multiple physical and learning disabilities and limited life expectancy.

The dad was so shocked and disappointed that the son he got wasn't what he expected (a boy he could take to football, go fishing with, teach DIY skills, all of which he could have done with his daughters) that he pretty much checked out of parenting and the mum shouldered the burden. She did it willingly and with love but it was and is a lot for her.

My sister made this mistake and ended up with 3 boys, she bought loads of baby girl stuff and very clearly wanted a girl.
They are all a handful now and they are also skint as they couldn't afford the 2 in the first place..

And do not make any life-changing decisions while you are 8 weeks post-partum, ffs.