Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

This post neatly illustrates why it’s such a bad idea – you really don’t want your ex coming into your territory. It’s awkward if you’re there, and awkward if you’re not.

On reflection, I think it’s also potentially awkward for both of them if they run out of things to talk about. I think meeting somewhere else on neutral ground would at least mean that there’s other stuff to do and chat about rather than sitting on opposite sofas wondering what to say next. Even going out to a pub for lunch means there’s other stuff to talk about.

@ThreadGuardDog have you not seen the posts saying he his spoilt, typical step kid wanting everything to be about him obviously doing it to wind his step dad up. Very few people acknowledging how hard this could be for him

So ex had form for playing the victim and shit stiring - what a surprise.

I wonder if your reaction is so muted because you've spent DS childhood not reacting to ex behavior as a defence mechanism.

Honestly your DS is 20 a few years into adulthood so sit him down and talk to him like one explain ex has from for causing issues and frankly it would be better to just avoid and meet somewhere netural - with advantage to him it will be easier to leave when he wants to. If he insists on your house - I'd ask why your ex isn't inviting him to his house - and why your DH feelings one who stepped up don't seem to matter to him. There may be much more going on her with DS your ex and DH.

Whether he’s a threat or not isn’t the point. DH doesn’t want him in his home. At the age of 20 there are plenty of other options open to DS if he wants to explore the relationship. Expecting his mum and step dad to welcome this dead beat into their home like nothing has happened is unrealistic and unreasonable.

I’m not one of those posters. I don’t give a monkeys what his motives are - wanting his dad to come to his mum and step dad’s home regardless of the objections is unreasonable and DS is old enough to understand why. Bio dad has his own family and has never invited DS to his own home - why do you think that is ?

Your 20 year old sounds very young for his age. Is there sen at play or is he particularly anxious? At 20 I'd expect them to meet for a coffee or pint and just have a chat. It's your dh's home too and he has a right to say the ex is not welcome. Your son isnt a baby, they can meet outside.

@ThreadGuardDog I’ll ask you again what impact do you think that would have on the son? Not being invited to his dad’s house. Being told the house he lives in his mum’s and stepdad’s home. What home does he have?

This is a supposed adult you married? Tell him to grow the hell up. He came into a family with a child (at the time) who had a different parent. He deals with it.

Based on this he can F off and meet his son elsewhere. Your DH is right about your ex.

Is this really comparable?

Your adoptive parents (Hero's) dont know your birth parents. This is not an adoption away from both birth parents.

In my eyes this is nothing like the same

I take it you haven’t read her latest post in which ex says stepdad and his parents aren’t proper relatives but he, the ex is, because he’s bio.

No. In that case, I stand corrected.

Yes that’s very fishy. Bio dad should be inviting his son up to his house.

The above (when I met my bio dad aged 13), I (and my DB) was invited over a lot and treated like family by my stepmum and her family.

If ex hadn’t said this and current DH was being arsey for the sake of it and seeing bio dad then definitely I’d tell stepdad to grow up. But that’s not the case.

Your DH is being an immature dick and he needs to grow up.

Entirely understandable that your DS wants to show him his home and bedroom.

Bollocks.

@Tessasanderson I would say it is pretty similar where the son and dad are concerned. Trauma for the son being rejected by his dad. OP and her DH need to recognise this. In fact I would say it is even harder for the son than me being adopted as he has seen his birth dad start a new family without letting his eldest son be part of it. How crap is that? But the son wants to have a relationship with him and OP and her DH need to be there to help him through this. If this involves a cup of tea in DS’s home how hard is that compared to what the son has been through knowing his dad has been shit and pretty much abandoned him

The more i read on this the more i think DS is being manipulated by his sperm donor. Be very careful.

There are a few situations this man could conjour up which could put DH in a bad light. In your previous post you have already highlighted he doesnt believe DH and his parents are 'blood' so they dont count.

How about him provoking DH into a bad fall out in front of DS - DH becomes enemy no1

How about him encouraging DS to disrespect DH and his parents. - DH becomes enemy No1

How about him undermining any parenting barriers you already have in place - DH becomes enemy No1 when he refuses to buckle.

It just doesnt make sense that the sperm donor, if his motives are good to not want to cause as little disruption for you guys as possible. He could have killed it off in seconds. "nah son, lets meet at mine. You could stay a couple of days and get to know my family first". "nah son, i dont want any uncomfortable feelings at YOUR home. I will book a hotel and we can meet up for a couple of days. Let me show things are sound with us for a while then we can see if your FATHER can cut me some slack".

Al reasonable things to happen.

And I’ll answer you again. I’ve no doubt that there will be an impact on DS, but he’s not a child, he’s an adult and old enough to appreciate why he can’t just ride roughshod over a perfectly reasonable objection from the man who actually raised him, and whose home he resides in.

The answer to your last question is that unless/until DS moves out into a home of his own, the reality is that he lives in the home provided by his parent and step parent, whose wishes regarding who does and does not enter that home, should be respected, just as he has respected the wishes of his biological father in not insisting on visiting his home.

You mentioned upthread that you are adopted. I appreciate that some of the comments here, including my own, may be triggering for you. But being an adopted child isn’t the same as living with a parent and step parent, with a second bio parent dipping in and out of your life whenever they feel like it.

DS is twenty, not five. Why on earth would he want to show his bedroom to the man who has chosen not to be part of his sons’ life until he’s reached adulthood and the hard work of bringing him up and providing a home and family has been done by someone else ? It’s DS who’s being an immature dick here by not respecting the feelings of the man who to all intents and purposes is actually his father.

I take it you have missed the OP’s update in which she says that bio dad is already shit stirring by telling DS that DH and his family are not ‘real’ family and he is, just because he has a biological connection. When in actual fact bio dad is nothing more than a sperm donor, who chose to abdicate his responsibilities to his son until it suited him not to. He doesn’t get to dictate to DH who does and does not come into his home.

Seconded. Absolute bollocks !!

Didn’t you respond in one of my posts that no-one is berating the son. What do think you are doing?

And as far as I am aware the OP never mentioned that the son wants to show his dad his bedroom

From the OP. Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here. Not quite ‘showing him his bedroom, but essentially the same sentiment.

And I’m not berating DS, I’m stating facts. OP updated with details of the shit stirring this man is already engaging in by trying to persuade DS that DH and his family don’t matter because they’re not ‘blood’. It’s utter nonsense and this alone entirely justifies why DH doesn’t want this waste of space in his home.

It would be very odd - and a bit sad - as a young adult not to feel free to bring guests into the home.

But this is the son’s father, not a friend or partner. And even then, I would expect the son to ask the homeowners if it is okay to invite a friend or partner over. It’s basic respect and courtesy.

In terms of what is very odd and what is not though, inviting your parent over to your other parent and step parent’s house to have a look around and spend time with you there, is very odd.

It’s especially odd when none of the adults have a good relationship or get on.

It is an odd request to make, and to have granted, and I can’t fathom why some posters are trying to normalise having your parent hang around in your other parent and step parent’s house. The father has his own home.

Why is it a bit sad for the son to do what every other child in a split family does - either visit his father at his own home, or plan a day out somewhere?