AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

There's that word again. PORTION. Aaaaagh. Portion. Portion control. Fair share. Greedy. Nom. Polish off. Munch. Dish. Meal. Hungry. Portion apportioning.

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Yeah obviously I wish we could have dealt with it in the moment, but we couldn't exactly do another takeaway order of just a pot of beans😅. We talked about the fact that DD12 would give her sister something, but we just hadn't decided yet. Today the snack thing occurred to me, but maybe that's still not ideal. Maybe I'll have her take her sister to the shop after school today and buy her a snack of her choosing.

You need to focus more on the way she’s treating her sister and being a loving and caring person towards her. The way she’s going they won’t have much of a relationship when they are older as the eldest is the one who walks over the youngest and clearly given not a shit about her sister! I have no relationship at all with my sister now I’m an adult as she was also allowed to carry on being a selfish, self centred person and enough consequences and management of her awful personality forwards not just me but everyone else frankly wasn’t parented properly and dealt with when she was younger. She walks over people now in her work life, her home life and even out shopping she clearly thinks she’s superior to everyone else! Funnily enough she doesn’t have many at all friends and the ones she does have I think are still friends with her because they are afraid of the fallout from her if they dare speak up!

12 is a vulnerable age, especially for girls around eating, food and body image. Personally, I’d try to avoid shame and punishment when it comes to food.

Focus on the lack of consideration for others rather than labelling it a greedy.

If she has limited self control with food, then that needs to be addressed. You continuing to portion out and modelling that behaviour will help. I still remember my mum making my brother evenly split treats so he didn’t eat them all, though I was pretty vocal about him not sharing 😂

get her to give her sister her treat money, write an apology letter and tell her to actually think about the way she treats her sister. If this was someone else treating her sister like the way she does would she consider it bullying or not nice behaviour? Does she think her behaviour is acceptable? You need to be ON her all the time keeping an eye on her behaviour and don’t let anything slip past. The second she’s nasty to her sister you need to act then and there

Is it greedy? Or not being thoughtful and considerate towards her sister? I hate the word greedy all the negativity around food. It should be she didn't consider her sister rather than she ate too much.

oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably

It was absent minded at best, or selfish at worse.
They both need a lesson in being mindful and sharing, but they both need autonomy and accountability. Bear with me... 🤔

If she has form for this, and is oblivious to who's is who's portion whilst eating (almost mindlessly) I would always get them to divvy up the takeaway/ treat portions and pop them onto completely separate plates /bowls.
As another PP said, one person divide stuff (pizza/takeaway/treats), and the other person choose - a tip as old as time! 🙌

My younger brother (2 years younger) was like this over chocolate and sweets which we only had at weekends. He was like a puppy eating treats, and would gorge on them absent mindlessly (whilst we watched TV), until he had eaten every last one, and was nearly sick. 🍫
Now we both had a big appetite and that was completely normal, but despite there being other food in the house, it was like he had no on/off switch for sweet treats whilst in front of the TV 🤷‍♀️
Mum would have us down water, so that we didn't mistake dehydration for hunger, and then split takeaways and treats in half every time we got them. It became habit forming to share equally and we got used to doing that.
Also eating at the table so we could register the food going in, instead of mindless eating in front of the TV helped massively. 💯
When he got a little older (late teens) he realised he just loved chocolate and would say to me, take whatever you like first and I will eat the rest. So I would never take more than half, and we both never argued over it, as it was a fair distribution, but he took the initiative to share and put me first. 😇

I don't think the issue is the food tbh.
She sounds like she's got a great healthy appetite and if she needs more food, then as my mum would always say if you are still hungry after your share, there is always a sandwich or something we can rustle up In the kitchen. 🥪

The issue sounds like she has form for not considering her sister and her feelings and she has a lack of accountability.
I would also (as a PP pointed out) make sure your youngest feels like she can speak up, and she doesn't have to have an adult intervene for her. 😔

I would keep repeating to your girls that takeaways and treats are a privilege and not a given. Maybe talk about karma? And hone down on being thoughtful and kind.
Your oldest needs to be accountable and feel some discomfort (not punishment) so I would let the youngest choose what takeaway and sides are / or the treats (and not let her be swayed by what sister wants) and also she gets first helpings and sister can wait her turn. 😉

On a side note, I feel for your eldest, as it must be hard being the oldest, as you are expected to set the standard, look after your sibling, have 100% responsibility, but 0% autonomy. 😔
It's tough, as she will have her own wants and preferences, away from her sister, but may feel pushed out, like she has to share everything, almost like a twin.
Do they ever order their own individual chosen meals, so they have their own preference?
Everyone thought me and my younger brother were twins as we did everything together. But we hated being treated as we were exactly the same... we were different. 🙄
My bro loved sweet treats and I loved savoury stuff.
He would get haribos whilst I prefered pringles. He preferred pizza, I preferred Chinese- you get the picture. 🍕

Do they always get the same stuff to share?

We did chores and got pocket money, thus could buy our own treats on a friday evening for movie night (pot noodles, crisps, sweets fizzy pop) and we had to stay within budget, but the choice was ours and the treats were ours alone. 🥰

Do they do any activities together with you, or do they get time with 1-to-1 you individually? 🤔
I would never punish a child where food is concerned, as it will just create terrible issues.
But I would have a consequence for inconsiderate behaviour, as well as trying to address WHY she is being so inconsiderate. 💯

Sorry for the longest post known to man. I hope you haven't got eye strain from reading my above thesis 😆 wishing you all the best. @SongsOfSongs

I know this is an issue, but I really don't know what I can do other than telling her off, making her apologise, make amends, etc. when I see her do something that's not right. As the younger sister, do you have any suggestions? I obviously want them to get along and have a good relationship in the future, but I'm not sure what to do. You can't just make someone like someone also or make someone be kind.

Many many years ago, when the only takeaway was fish and chips, my parents came up with the best way for dividing treats between two. The rule was that one divides and one chooses. It made for stress for us. We would sometimes argue over who had to divide. It was easier to be the chooser. I would alternate that role.

It does not make up for being unfair on the previous occasion, it does however make a foolproof way forward.

You don’t need to ignore “bad” behaviour, you need to handle it far more sensitively when food was the catalyst for what you deem selfishness.

Why have you asked for advice if you steadfastly refuse to take note of the fact that more than half voted YABU?

People who function best in the real world are those that grew up feeling safe and secure. Not judged or punished. You have judged dd1 many times on this thread. You have called her selfish and said she treats her sister badly. And you have proposed punishing her in a petty and irritating way with the £1. I personally would have taken dd1 aside a bit later (privately) and said that look, if you were watching a movie with a mate and you accidentally ate all of the snack, they might be really pissed with you and it might affect the friendship so just watch out if the other person is a bit absent minded or slow eating and hasn’t been eating the snack. With kindness, not with humiliation or shaming or blaming.

I always got one of mine to divide and the other to choose their portion first. Food was a big issue for me growing up - fussiness, being forced to eat things I didn’t like etc. Don’t ever use food as a punishment or reward.

Gosh. So you'd never trust her again?

It takes time to learn new skills you know.

I think the fact that this is food is distracting people away from the issue.

If this was squishys you’d get different responses.

‘DDs were given 30 mini squishys to share. One took 28 ‘without realising’ leaving only 2 for the other. This is a common occurrence with DD12 being thoughtless to her sister. DD12 gets a squishy every Wednesday, AIBU to make her give it to DD11 this week to make it up to her? PS DD12 doesn’t have a squishy addiction!!’

Reframed like this, it’s a perfectly reasonable consequence and considering you have confirmed that the snack wasn’t an unhealthy one and DD12 doesn’t have any weight issues, I think it’s fine!

This isn't really about the food IMO. They were vegetables, lovely and a 'treat' in terms of being part of a takeaway but notsomuch in terms of being something a person might 'lose control' when eating and take too much.

The problem really is DD's selfishness.

I think I'd have a word with her, make it clear that her selfishness is unacceptable and insist that she comes up with an idea to make it up to her sister herself.

I think making her miss out on her midweek school treat could make things worse. She is 12 so still of the age that she could blame her sister for her missing out and then the resentment could just grow and problem persist. Plus I doubt very much the 'treat' would travel home awfully well if DD angrily shoves it into her bag and bashes it about for hours.

If DD12 gets pocket money, I'm sure she can think of something nice to treat DD11 to? Do they read? Like stickers or notepads? A couple of charity shop books won't break DD12's bank, or a few stationery bits?

It's so difficult at this age as they are so overly emotional but it's our job to give them lessons that make them think, rather than make them angry and resentful.

I need more info. A tall, sporty 12 yo girl who has started her period is naturally going to eat more (maybe as much as an adult) than a small inactive 11 yo who hasn’t started her period yet. I also need to know what this side was.

I say this as a nurse. And because I was 5ft8 at 12 and played 4 sports but my mum (who was 5ft4 and inactive) expected me to have the same appetite as my petite 4ft 11 sister just because she was only a year younger than me. My mum caused me and my sister to have major food issues for most of my life by her calling me greedy. Incidentally I was the only one who wasn’t obese as an adult.

When my friend had this issue with her two, she said one could divide the food but then the other would get to pick their portion first. You can be sure that everything was divided absolutely equally after that!

Ok this makes sense. Clearly 1 side wasn’t enough. Order two next time. My 6 yo could easily eat 30 endame pods!!

Huh? I find this take on things projecting to the nth degree. Bonkers.

I think you are completely right about the selfish and greediness that you want to stamp out. However, I would try and take the context away from food. It doesn't appear that was your elder DD's motivation, more thoughtlessness and selfishness. I would just try and avoid associating reward or punishment around food, as it can develop into an unhealthy relationship with food and potentially body image. This doesn't seem to be an issue now, in that she is slim and was eating vegetables, but can certainly develop, particularly around teenage years.

Absolutely take your younger DD for a 'treat', that the elder doesn't get. And/or make the elder sacrifice something else that they like. But I personally would try and avoid food being the subject that treat or punishment, could be a toy, book, experience. Or some extra time doing something with you, one on one attention. Anything not edible that either of them like, to give as extra or take away.

The issue is that DD12 had more than her fair share of something, so now loses her share of something else. That it was food doesn't need to matter.

It’s not using food. It’s a consequence of not sharing.

That's not really the point though, is it?

When you only have so much, you share it. You don't say you will then all but scoff the lot.

I'm sure OP will absolutely order more next time, but DD should have known better.

DD12 is growing, but not particularly tall yet. She's probably about 4'10", maybe approaching 5' now. She has not started her period and is not particularly sporty. She does weekly PE and another sport 1 hour per week. She sometimes walks the 1.5 miles to and from school, but usually takes the bus most of the way. She is very slim.

On the other hand, DD11 is quite sporty and is very active while at school ("always running!" she says), but also only does 1 hour of actual sport outside of schools. She's quite a bit shorter than her sister and is probably bordering on being a bit overweight.

So your older child ate 28 pieces while you’re younger child sat and said nothing. I’m not disputing your consequence but speak to your 11 year-old about speaking up. Why did she wait so long? I can’t imagine that happening with me and my sister.

This seems like a good solution.

I think she literally didn't notice and the cause was twofold, 1) she was distracted by the film, 2) she's a slower eater. I think she was still eating her sushi, whereas her sister had finished and moved on to the edamame.

The thing is that this wasn't something like chips, where there is no evidence of them having been eaten, so you could potentially think that the over person was taking their fair share. DD12 had a huge pile of empty pods on her plate and DD11 had none; it was easy for her to see that her sister was not eating.