AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

A psychopath?!! What an overreaction!

A child who was born with a faster metabolism than most people, who is heading into puberty and growth spurts will need an enormous amount of food. Just buy more food!

I don't think YABU. Your older DD should make it up to her DSis. What she did was very mean and shouldn't be tolerated. I like the idea of asking her what she should do to make it up to her sister. It'll hopefully make her more empathetic.

If they're ravenous but a healthy weight, it could be that something is wrong and they need thyroid etc checked - or perhaps they just burn the calories and need more food.

I think dividing things yourself in future is the key...or get other DD to do it if they do it fairly.

I think too many people are missing the point here so maybe I've not been clear. This isn't a case of "oh mummy, I'm so hungry, I need to eat more than the 15 beans you've allotted me!" and me telling her no. This is a case of her specifically saying "I can reasonably share with my sister" and then completely disregarding her sister and eating the whole lot on her own. She could have had more food, but she chose to eat her sister's food instead. I maintain that this was almost definitely a selfish and greedy move on her part and is not simply a result of her being a growing girl.

You know you can buy bags of frozen edamame, don't you? Punishing your daughter for eating too much veg, and expecting her to compensate your other daughter with chocolate or something is completely over the top.

Tell me youve missed the point without telling me youve missed the point....

Next time.divide it up yourself before it goes on the table

A child who was born with a faster metabolism than most people, who is heading into puberty and growth spurts will need an enormous amount of food. Just buy more food! It's very hard to think rationally when you are ravenous, so yes she wasn't reasonable, but you need to feed your teenagers the amount of food they need, not the amount you think should be enough.

Jesus Christ op, your behaviour has been controlling and damaging. I am honestly shocked at what I’ve read.

Get your children enough food. Your 12yo is likely going through puberty and hungry as fuck. Girls often need extra weight and food at this stage. My dd puffed up and then grew about a foot - whereupon she looked like a model - over 6ft and very slim.

How the bloody fuck is a confused and stressed teen going to come and confess something to you/ask for help if they think you are going to be petty, controlling and punishing? Their home is supposed to be a sanctuary, not a strict old fashioned school where you get made to feel like shit for a minor and probably accidental infraction.

You need to understand that you cant treat dd1&dd2 like a cohesive blob. They seem extremely different. You are goign to drive a wedge between them if you make dd1 give dd2 a pound from some snack budget. How would you feel if dd1 then went and shoplifted a bar of chocolate following you depriving her of food that she wanted?

you say it’s over selfishness, not food. But in this case, those things are indistinguishable. You think they are distinguishable, but they aren’t. You have made 2 pubescent girls feel shitty about a food issue, in different ways. That was a crazy thing to do. EDs are rife. You need to be actively trying to help your dds avoid them, not fuel them.

You could have handled this better. It is very easy to sit with a shared bowl eating snacks whilst distractedly watching a movie. Your 12yo was enjoying the snack and movie. Your 11yo hadn’t taken any of the snack. This is just the nature of both of them. It’s your responsibility to divide up the food, knowing how they both are.

I think uour consequnce is fine. I do wonder if dd12 was being sneaky saying we can share then knowing fine rightly she was gping to tuck into them

Ita not about being greedy is about being selfish

You maintain that then. But don’t wonder why she won’t come for your help when she gets in a sticky situation as a teen.

No I get the point. It's about the older DD displaying selfish behaviour. Punishing her in the manner the OP is suggesting, over an "incident" of eating too many beans, is completely stupid, imo. If the child already has food issues, how will this help? There are likely better battles to be picked over the selfishness issue than this one, and better ways of dealing with it that the one being suggested by the OP. And she also needs to address why the younger daughter is in tears all the time.

I grew up with 3 brothers. They were all like this with each other - it's not the food, it's that they always wanted more than their sibling, gave them a sense of 'winning'. It would also apply to other things, not food. With food mum had to portion it up way into late teens, they just wouldn't share. Even things like cutting up a b'day cake after the candles blown out, they'd lick their fingers and stick it into the piece they thought was biggest so nobody else would want it. Just for the record - there was always lots of other food in the house, just like you.

They are still like it now, except the cake part (ha) this 'one up manship' and they are in their 60's.

I agree with this. Place the importance on her taking more than her share rather than the food and let her come up with how to make it up to her sister. That way she understands consequences better.

This is not about food or hunger, it’s about sharing and consideration.

If DD had eaten her share of this dish and her whole meal and was still hungry she could easily have a dessert or cheese or toast etc.

If it is the edamame beans from Wagamama then that would have been all out war in this house!
@SongsOfSongs i completely agree with you and can’t believe the amount of dramatics and projection going on in this thread!

Do you genuinely think DD1 was deliberately and maliciously trying to steal her DSis's share of the food? Or do you think she was just munching away absently-mindedly while watching the film, assuming her sister was doing likewise?

I still have the vibe that DD2 is the manipulative one here. It makes no sense for her to not care enough to say anything (to you or her DSis) or to help herself or put any on her plate, but then to suddenly turn on the waterworks and care so much about it when she spied an opportunity to get her DSis into trouble. I absolutely would NOT be rewarding DD2's behaviour in any way whatsoever.

I think a gentle conversation with DD1 about her sister having missed out and a question as to whether she felt they need a portion each in future is all that is required.

You might agree with op, but op should note that the vote has more than half of voters saying YABU.

Your oldest sounds like she has food issues (is she overweight? Do you see signs that hormones are involved?). No one will be as hated and shunned as an obese person who eats everyone else’s treats; they’ll be the source of future AIBU/CF threads. You want to fix this now, as a parent, by talking to your daughter, getting her the help she needs (IF needed), and if she doesn’t accept help, coming down on her like a ton of bricks AT THE MOMENT - you cannot fear making it clear how unacceptable and selfish this behavior is because you fear creating disordered eating or some other issue. If you’re really afraid of those issues, it’s GP visit time. So no, I don’t think this particular punishment will help.

Mountain out of mole hill. Ridiculous issue and comments diagnosing a 12 year old with binge eating disorder by people based on this. My god seriously people need to take a look at themselves.

My job as a parent is to prepare her to be a good person who can function in the real world. Isn't ignoring her bad behaviour doing her a disservice? Isn't it better to teach her right from wrong in a proportional way? I just don't see how so many people think that I should just let her walk all over her sister. No one wants to be friends with someone who is selfish or greedy. This won't serve her in her education, future relationships, jobs, etc. She's overall a great girl, but there are definitely things we still need to work on, as there are with all children.

I'd say we currently have a really good relationship, but of course no matter how hard we try, we always manage to mess some things up. We'll just have to see how things go in the future.

Good lord the amount of people going on about disordered eating, shaming her for being hungry etc seem to have missed the point that this was a SIDE, they both had their own meals to fill them up. This was pure greed, scoffing down the sort of side that very easily disappears quickly, after mum has already mentioned dividing them fairly and the child (who is old enough to know better) had said that she would share them reasonably.

OP I think your plan is okay. I would just say that it should have been discussed at the time. 11 and 12 year olds are old enough to understand delayed consequences and if you’d mentioned it at the time then that would be fine. I do think it would be a bit random to bring it up on Tuesday evening if you hadn’t mentioned it before then.

@SongsOfSongs

Thing is… it’s not as simple as having 1/2 each of every meal.

Appetites differ, how much you want of a particular food item will differ.

Why does everything have to be 50/50?

I have two daughters this would never work.

Not because they are selfish and greedy but because they are different people.

Agree. Why was DD12 supposed to monitor how many beans her sister was eating??