AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

I was wondering that as well. However: takeout? Eating whilst watching tv? That’s the kind of situation that would encourage „mindless grazing“ / eating to me (and to many other people). It isn’t surprising that a 12 yo experienced the same imo…!

Why were you in a rush? I thought you’re watching a film..

Is there generally an issue with food in your household? Is DD12 overweight or struggling with food?

If you know one of your kids is prone to taking more than her fair share then YABU to order one side that ought to be shared and expect a fair divide.

It seems like a war zone in your home, with parents who aren’t helping the situation, refereeing the relationship but not helping resolve the issues.

Both of your children have emotional regulation issues, portrayed differently. Why? What’s going on? Why the war between the siblings? I’d work on separating them when I could to avoid the upset, including separate plates until I worked out wtf is going on?

I agree with pp who said that learning to share food appropriately is an important skill as you grow up. Across cultures, people share food as a social activity, and anyone who takes more than their fair share risks being ostracised, shamed, or excluded from the group in future.

Also this really doesn’t sound like a question of eating disorders, it’s one sister taking the other’s share. So maybe there is an element of jealousy, bullying, unpleasant behaviour here and in that case I would definitely be thinking about how to make it stop.

@SongsOfSongs have you discussed it with your dd12 since it happened? Could you have that chat (maybe while in the car or something), or if you’ve talked it over, what did she say?

“ I think she was still eating her sushi, whereas her sister had finished and moved on to the edamame.”

Sorry Op I know you didnt mean it like this but thats a brilliant middle class stealth boast !

You're not the first person to say this. Does no one else rush to get back to the film if you've paused it at an exciting moment? It's not like we chose a time to pause and cook dinner, but just had to stop when the door buzzed so everyone was anxious to get back to it.

I try my best but I'm an only child, so it all seems terrible to me. My husband has a brother similar in age and says this is all normal.

😂😂This is why I did not disclose the foods until forced to do so! I was scared the middle-class-ness of it all would derail the actual discussion. But actually it's the fact that it involves food that has derailed the actual discussion 😀

I disagree with all the ‘gentle parenting’ posts. Your DD was greedy and she stole food that was rightfully her sister’s. At 12 years old she should know better. I’d take the price of the edamame beans and insist that she paid her sister for her portion - so half minus two beans. That is a reasonable consequence for her behaviour, not a chat about feelings. If your DD12 has an eating disorder that that is should be dealt with as a separate issue.

Greedy is such a horrible word, it seems to punish people for hunger. Are people who talk more than their fair share greedy? Are people who drink two glasses of wine while I'm still on my first greedy?

Can't you just say she was inconsiderate, not greedy?

"minus two beans" 😂

But she was literally greedy. She knew half that food was for her sister but she took it anyway.

I think you need to step back and ask yourself why a child eating more than their fare share of vegetables is causing you such a huge amount of angst that you are considering all sorts of punishments after the fact.

In my house we have the you cut I choose rule - because when the kids were younger there was no way we could have relied on them to share equally from the same plate.

i notice there is only a year between them and you talk about the 11y.o. as if she is a young and weak . Think back to this time last year, did you afford your older DD the same grace at 11? Is there some disparity because the oldest one has always had to be better/know better because she’s the oldest?

Many people seem very hung up on the word greedy. I guess to me it implies much more than just food, though obviously can be used for that. To me it implies more than selfishness or being inconsiderate, but rather just taking more of anything than is rightfully yours.

Exactly. It's not about shaming her for being hungry. It's not like they were starving and the older dd took the only piece of bread! It was a "treat" side food not even the main meal. She knew she was supposed to share it, but at best ate more than her share anyway, and at worst deliberately fibbed to OP and manoeuvered her way into organising the sharing in advance so she could do so. If she was hungry she could have eaten something else.

Everyone worrying about her developing an eating disorder doesn't seem to be thinking about the younger dd whi might also develop one if she realises she has to snatch food and eat it quickly regardless of if she wants it or not if she wants a chance to taste it, because she cant trust she'll get it otherwise.

I think this is a great idea. But make sure it's not too far off that you forget what it is! (I'll buy her an ice cream in August!).

OP your DD was greedy and selfish but she is 12 most kids are at that age. Wait until you have another takeaway and give her less and remind her why. The older she gets the less selfish she should become.

It’s difficult. Try a team building task outside of the home, something that they can try together, they need to be reminded to respect each other, they’re in competition for some reason, DD2 will be emotionally damaged if DD1 continues to dominate her. If honestly seek outside help in this situation. I have 3 sisters, we fought on occasion, but this is deeper than that.
You must be exhausted. Both could do with therapy for very different reasons. Life is hard enough.
DD1 needs to learn kindness.
Mine are very different too, with a 6 year age gap. I don’t think I’d have coped well if they were close in age, DS is much more dominant and moody in comparison to DD. He’d have crushed her spirit.
edit. Is DH close to his brother now.
It is not normal. I’m 1 of 5.

I've stated repeatedly that usually we divide the food, or let them split it and the other chooses. However, in this situation, my DD12 said she could handle it, so in a moment of laziness and hope, I let her try.

The angst is about taking what is rightfully her sister's, not eating a few more beans.

You're absolutely right though about how I perceive them and how they perceive themselves. DD12 is the oldest, so gets more pressure, more responsibility, etc. I try to do exactly what you said and think about how I react to one of them and how I would have reacted to the other. But they also put themselves into these roles. DD12 thinks she is mature and independent and DD11 doesn't try to be these things. Obviously the gap of secondary school makes this somewhat true, honestly, but it's something I constantly try to be aware of. However, this is a tale as old as time, isn't it? Eldest resents the baby, the baby gets away with more, etc. I try to avoid it but obviously can't deny that it happens.

First of all, half a pot of edamame beans is not a reasonable dinner for a growing child. She was probably just really hungry.

Provide a reasonable amount of food for your kids and portion it fairly. Problem solved.

This is all on you, OP. Stop blaming your daughter for having a normal appetite. And feed her properly.

OP said it had been a while since they last had this issue so she was hoping DD had learned/matured.

Which seems sensible to me and exactly how you treat kids normally based on development - if a 3 year old is a runner so cant go out without reins, once youve made that decision do you just keep them on until they're 18? If potty training doesn't work at age 2 do you just give up forever? No, you leave it a while and try again when the child is a bit older.

if you think DD should never be trusted again around food, should mummy and daddy still be separating her portions for her when shes in her twenties?

Part of being a good parent is teaching the child correct behaviour when you aren't around to enforce it - just taking away the temptation isnt fixing anything. What happens when dd does the same thing when she goes for a meal with her friends in a year or two?

Exactly. I see a lot of myself in her at that age and, honestly, I could be pretty terrible. But I didn't have a sibling for it to affect. It took many years for me to transform into a nicer human being, so I think it's a bit triggering to see her act like me at that age 😅

That was not their entire meal...😂

You’re clearly not ordering enough food, OP. Buy more @SongsOfSongs

I agree. It’s the type of thing my sister would do - take the majority of something because she could, and felt entitled to it, and there would be
no consequences. I couldn’t complain as “You know what she’s like” and my mother didn’t dare upset her.

I think you should give her DD1’s treat money tomorrow. I wouldn’t trust DD1 to bring a treat back with her.