AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

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My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

Exactly, it is really not unusual to be ravenous at that age. My husband used to make five open ended sandwiches after school and line them up along his arm to carry them to the table!

It is frustrating that she didn’t consider that her sister would be disappointed when she devoured the edamame beans yet she likely didn’t plan on upsetting her, she just lacked restraint when feeling very hungry.

Your daughter will change in time and think twice before giving in to her hungry self and choose to eat something else that doesn’t impact others. Just talk it over with her. You don’t need to punish unwanted behaviour out of them, that is not how they learn to aspire for better behaviour.

Probably would have been better to pause the movie and have the side properly divided if dd has form. It sounds more than just greed, a medical or emotional issue around food?

They’re 11 and 12, so not teenagers and clearly she can’t be trusted? 🤷‍♀️

No, you've misunderstood (or you're being deliberately obtuse). I'm saying I am happy to listen to people with dissenting points of view and maybe they'll change my mind.

It is not a good idea to eat in front of a screen. Always eat at a table, unless at a picnic, with everyone sitting round without any other distractions. What is on offer is on the table, including sauces, drinks, condiments. No one is to get up from the table during the meal. This will help your DDs to think about what they need to eat, rather than mindless eating.

Or she might be being underfed for her age and development? We cannot tell from the OP's posts.

You parent and dish out portions. You can’t expect fairness if one is greedy with food noise and the other is passive.

There is a bigger problem here - 'sorry, sorry, I did not mean to' - something very nasty about it. Those people who do 'sorry, sorry, did not mean to' yet they do and know exactly what they do, they only hurt others, put themselves first, are horrid to be around, and this behaviour is indicative of further problems to materialise. You need to pull her up about 'sorry sorry I did not mean to, but did' - ask her is she is somnambulistic and requires a psychiatric assessment - i.e. it is dangerous - what if she walks in front of a train in the future, without realising what she was doing - scare the hell out of her for being an egoist and a liar/apologist.

I’d just not give her the money for the treat this week, rather than have her buy it and bring it home.

Do you always reward DD2 at DD1's expense when she turns on the waterworks and cries "she's being mean to me" for things that she could reasonably have dealt with at the time (e.g. in this instance by asking her DSis to slow down, by eating some beans herself, or by putting her share of the beans on her plate, or by letting you know she wasn't getting her fair share)?

I see DD2's waterworks as manipulative and more concerning than DD1 absentmindedly munching through more beans whilst watching film. (I'd be buying them a portion each in future too)

Why on earth not, if a (presumably no SN) child of that age has quite deliberately taken more than her share? She needs to learn not to be greedy!

Yes it definitely is

We had some issues like this - three dc, all teens, dd in the middle between two lanky, ravenous boys. It was causing her a lot of anxiety. I had to start plating up more (never really did this previously), which helped a lot. We also implemented a rule that, when sharing, the person who divides the item/s up gets the last choice of serving, which obviously motivates them to do it as fairly as possible. They also have to ask before taking anything from the cupboards, apart from a couple of free for all items that we always have lots of.

OP said she is slim. The child is clearly hungry. Edamame beans are healthy low fat and high protein and a pretty perfect snack for a hungry child. OP was the one who restricted the quantity by buying them a portion to share. Of course being greedy isn't nice but this isn't a case of a child sneaking too much cake it's a child eating a perfectly healthy normal food item as part of her meal when her parent basically didn't provide enough for them both.

It's BEANS
Part of a meal. The OP is at fault for not getting them enough BEANS to fill them both up!

I’m following the group saying the child may just be hungry . The calories teens eat and need is huge . Much more than adults . There was a chart on the NHS website which I can’t currently find - but will share if I find it

If you're still hungry after dinner when you're a slim growing child with a big appetite then you haven't been given enough dinner!

Oh I know. Their whole dynamic can be tough. DD12 is often not nice to DD11 and DD11 will cry about it. We pull-up DD12 for her part and tell DD11 that she needs to stand up for herself. Things may be getting a little better now that they're not in school together, but it's hard. Also, DD11 cries a lot in general, not just in relation to her sister; it's just how she is.

I would be seeing this an issue with your DDs eating, rather than 'naughty' behaviour to punish.
You know she overeats and lacks control over food, so the error that lead to this was yours in not dishing out the portions yourself.
Id make sure to do this consistently in future, and use other strategies such as insisting she eats healthy snacks before starting on treat foods. Make sure she's having enough to eat overall so she isn't hungry, and encourage lots of non food related fun things to distract her, and to try to reduce the association between food and a primary source of pleasure.

I agree. I've always been quite greedy and am fat since my 40s, but I've never eaten other people's share. It sounds like she might have issues

Forget the food aspect, she is supposed to share and even made a point in saying she can share before then not sharing it. Two issues, she didn't share and the second is she made a deliberate choice to not share.

I think at the age of 12 she is more than old enough to understand she has to rectify the issue later on, she's not a toddler when things have to be dealt with straight away.

It's what they've always had in the past and they've both been fine. If she were still hungry she could have eaten anything else in the house except her sister's portion of the beans.

This would be the actions of a psychopath. Good grief 🙄🤣

This thread has made me howl.

Parenting isnt perfect, god forbid we ever switch off even for a second. OP is allowed to assume her 12 and 11 year olds can share a portion of bloody food. Her daughter is 12!!! I have a just turned 13YO and 11YO and they KNOW how to share a portion but whether they do or not is another situation entirely!.

DD12 was selfish, she knew what she was doing and didnt care, so yes she should be punished - is it the end of the world no, but she should be taught a lesson.

Poeple saying you shouldnt eat food infront of a tv 😂and things like that are absolutly unhinged.

Was it a pot of baked beans from KFC? Those are quite small aren't they?