AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

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My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

Endame beans are not particularly filling and they are very moreish so I can see it's would be very easy to eat the whole pot without realising it. I would have bought the 12 year old her own pot. Children that age are probably going through a growth spurt. And she could be pre menstrual too.

Which isn't very filling either

Did you actually sit down and talk to your oldest? Did you ask her what on earth she was thinking because she knew that was to be split and, unless she has SEN or is just very stupid, she absolutely knew that she was taking them all. She could see her own plate, she could see how many pod cases were on it, she could see what was left on the sharing plate, she also knew what she was eating. So when she started shouting “I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry,” did you actually ask her what she did mean then? Did you ask her were did she think all the pods on her plate came from?

You need to come down hard on it. Not on the eating; reinforce that if she is hungry, she could get food from the kitchen to add to her meal but she cannot take her sister’s share of the treat takeaway food. Really, next time she doesn’t get any of the side. She can have a salad from normal fridge food but she doesn’t get any of the edamame. Her sister gets that.

I was the little sister with a very selfish, self involved, nasty older sister who only thought about herself. I don’t see her, my parents have finally caught on to her behaviour and hardly see her, no one in the family bothers with her because she is almost 40 and still the same selfish twat she always way. Because my parents just indulged it with half arsed “oh, that wasn’t very nice” comments. I also don’t really tolerate my parents much because I’ve never forgiven them.

Sort it out. When you decided you couldn’t keep the love paused for 2 more minutes, you should have told both of them to split it evenly onto their side plates at the table. You need to be very clear with your oldest from now on that she has to wait until food has been split, and she is not allowed to split it unsupervised.

You should also work on the 11 year bursting into tears.

What? I have sushi all the time. It is filling. My kids love sushi for dinner and they’re both growing teenage boys who could eat the house!
A plate of mixed sushi and a side of edamame is a great dinner. Probably also paired with some movie snacks after.

She has said it was a pot of endamame beans. Not very filling and very easy to dip in and eat more than your share while watching TV at the same time.

I don't think sushi is filling unless it's one of those huge packs

It depends how many they have and what type but it always makes me hungry.
My 7 year old granddaughter loves it though and can easily eat a pot of endamame beans and 6 sushi rolls to herself. She is very slim and very active

Are you thinking of shite supermarket sushi?

Have you never had real sushi? From a place that makes loads of different types? Sushi is very filling, especially if you have a couple of half rolls, usually 4 or 5 pieces in a half roll,(so you can enjoy different fillings) and some temaki or something.

You can. Get proper sushi from supermarkets

From a big family here. Food is divided by one sibling the other siblings then get to take their 'share' the one who divided it, goes last... Makes for equality! Also as you know she has 'form' for this, then you either instigate what my v clever mother did. Or you do it. She probably just gets carried away. Also eating in front of TV, not great as from experience I know a packet of biscuits can be gone in short order & you barely remember eating one let alone the whole packet.

But it’s mostly just tuna or salmon, even on the proper sushi counted. It’s mostly things like tuna and salmon nigiri or maki.
Sushi has a huge variety of fillings and toppings, with much nicer fish. You should try somewhere that isn’t a supermarket 🫤

I was referring to the post I quoted - "I have one greedy child and one not so greedy" just feels like a very negative way to refer to your kids.

That's slightly missing my point, which was focus on not being considerate rather than greedy with food.

Only in MN do people get so het up about edamame beans and sushi 🤣

If you want to embed resentment of the other sister in each of them (not to mention food issues) then crack on.

You can’t force people to share if they don’t want to. No amount of ‘be kind’ works if they don’t want to do it.

All the drama could have been avoided. You knew what she was like and instead she messed up and then her sister kicked off.

The punishment is for eating her sister’s edamame.

That was selfish and greedy - I don’t know why people are so prissy about the word “greedy”. In this case if she were still hungry there was other food available without taking her sister’s food so selfish and greedy are the appropriate words.

I agree with PP upthread - let one child divide and the other have first pick of the portions. Its a system which guarantees better accuracy than a micrometer screw. Then reinforce messages about sharing, consideration etc. If the younger child is often tearful its worth digging into whether its an age/phase or if the older sister is the cause.

Or course you teach your kids that they have to learn to share. I think the UK is the only country I’ve lived in where everyone sits with their individual plate all portioned out for them. Everywhere else I’ve lived, serves food “family style” in the middle of the table and you share. Food is about social interaction and enjoyment and fun. This kid won’t be able to join in with any of that and she will
scoff up everything before anyone else can go back to take bits they want. It was pure selfishness. She had access to plenty of food but she took her sister’s share instead of thinking about someone other than herself. That is a terrible quality and she needs to learn to share and be conscious of other people getting something.

I am sorry if the UK culture shocks you but isn’t sharing about choosing to be generous with your possessions/food but with the understanding that others will do the same?

What is the point of forcing a child to share? It becomes a negative experience. If they don’t want to share then, as long as they don’t expect others to share with them, that’s fine.

Forcing them guarantees they grow up resenting it and won’t bother as an adult

Just get two bowls and ask them to put half in each bowl.

You need to sit down and speak to her about why she did it. Point out the unfairness. Would she do this with friends? Try not to go overboard on the greedy or make a big food issue. Is she in a growth spurt? I'd watch carefully but not obviously when you get her to share out food within the family.

I think you are all being unfair by labeling DD12 as "greedy". I remember being hungry all the time at that age as I was going through puberty. I am a pretty normal weight in adulthood. Maybe she is old enough to have a side to herself? I wouldn't punish her for this but I would be more careful about making sure DD11 gets her fair share in the future.

Sat eating the food that was in front of her sister, right there for sister to eat. That her sister chose not to eat and chose not to put on her plate. I imagine DD1 thought her sister was eating it too. But no, her sister deliberately chose not to eat it, and then burst into performative sobs to get her sister into trouble. And Mum is falling for it.

If DD2 had actually wanted the edamame, she'd have taken her share and put them on her plate. She prefers to get her enjoyment from manipulating her Mum into having a go at her sister, safe in the knowledge that she's the favourite and therefore is never pulled up on her spiteful behaviour.. She gets the enjoyment of her DS being told off now, plus gets rewarded again at the expense of her DSis. It's win:win for DD2.

It’s not a “reward” for the sister, it’s recompense for the treat she lost out on. It’s not at all unfair to expect a child to compensate someone for something they wrongly took from them, in fact it’s a perfectly logical and reasonable consequence. It’s also fair for the younger sister to receive a treat when she lost out on something she was obviously really looking forward to.

This. Share it out between them. No need for dramas.

The amount of times you have called her greedy is making me really uncomfortable. It was a pot of fucking beans!!!!
She tucked in - her sister said nothing and then turned on the whinging later. Why on Earth did her sister not say - “ oi- I haven’t had any of those yet” ?
Stop shaming a 12 yr old for being hungry and honestly work on the younger one’s assertiveness and the constant crying. The dynamic here is very clear and it’s not a healthy one

I think the way you've handled it is fine. This is coming with someone with a looong history of eating disorders. Just keep a quiet eye on her, and eating in front of the TV is always a disaster for mindless eating.... which is miles away from binge eating.
Having a big appetite also doesn't mean eating disorder ffs. 🙄