AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

Oh my! I’ve read the thread!!
@SongsOfSongs i think your ‘snack’ punishment idea is reasonable. She needs to learn that actions have consequences.
But don’t make a huge deal out of it now. They’re kids there will always be sibling rivalry and arguments.
Move on

Ah I read DD11 as DD1.

But I still think shaming for the amount of food consumed is not the right way to deal with it.

I'd focus on not keeping her word, or not considering her Dsis.

I think this comes down to a parenting problem, not a child being greedy.

You are setting an arbitrary limit on what you consider a portion size. Portions need to change as children grow.
you admit the daughter you label greedy does not have a problem with weight.
You didn’t take the time to portion the food despite knowing sharing has caused issues in the past.

Most importantly, you described a child eating vegetables as greedy.

It’s like a recipe for how can I
create a disordered relationship with food in my teenager.

@SongsOfSongs maybe you need to buy more food. 12 year olds can eat as much as an adult these days, or maybe always. She could be going through a growth spurt too, which leads to eating more.

So I think correcting her portion size should be looked rather than punishing her.

No, I don’t think her treat money should be spent on a treat for her sister for something that happened 4 days ago. A consequence should have been found and delivered at the time if you really felt DD1 did something wrong.

Unless she’s obese, then less attention to what she eats needs to happen during her teenage years, otherwise she could end up with an eating disorder.

What a lot of drama, honestly.

You say, "Oh no, you were supposed to be sharing those. Apologise to your sister." And then you say, "What are you going to do to make it up?" And the kid says, "Maybe I can give her my share of hummus," or whatever other middle class snack she's got, and the sister says, "yay, hummus," and then, look at that, it's all sorted, and no one got scarred for life over a few beans.

I can't believe the number of people who are this outraged over something so absolutely petty. Or who are prepared to slag off a kid for acting like a kid. You all need to get some perspective and a sense of humour.

Only on MN are people so ridiculously literal whilst at the same time barely literate, or at best working at infant school levels of reading comprehension.

Nowhere did I say it was the same as a bag of sweets. I suggested that a poster who seemed to actually think OP served up 15 edamame beans each to her family for their main meal of the day instead conceptualise the question as the dd taking an extra treat (like sweets, you know, as an example) above and beyond her main meal, rather than it being understandable because she was starving from lack of nutrition due to OP dealing out hunger rations.

This, and don't listen to crackpots trying to tell you your quite reasonable punishment will lead to your eldest developing an eating disorder...

Gosh, you're really rude. And despite your proclaimed superior reading comprehension, you don't understand the concept of sarcasm. Sucks to be you, I guess.

Poor DD11.
I'm surprised other posters are defending her sister's selfish unkind behaviour (because a girl can never be spoken to about food apparently) while DD11 has to lump it.

Of course OP is concerned about redressing the fairness balance between her daughters. She's just musing on the appropriate way to do it.

I think children can be easily distracted when tv/food are happening at the same time. I think this is down to you to put in more boundaries. If this is an ongoing issue sharing should not have been an option. Does dd12 emotionally eat? It sounds like there may be an underlying issue. I would be careful about punishing her over food at her age you need to tread carefully. I would consider dd12 paying her sister in money to buy a treat of her choice but it doesn’t have to be food related.

Exactly. I see a lot of myself in her at that age and, honestly, I could be pretty terrible. But I didn't have a sibling for it to affect. It took many years for me to transform into a nicer human being, so I think it's a bit triggering to see her act like me at that age

But she is NOT you. Stop assuming she is as 'terrible' as you.

Poor girl ...

If she won’t share with her sister, you will just have to continue to divide it up for them.

Food is such a hot button issue at that age. Just don’t give them the option

The problem is the lack of sharing, not the amount she ate. OP, sorry but you're going to have to divvy up the food for them.

She's just musing on the appropriate way to do it.

Which is absolutely the correct thing to do, but some of us are saying just take the issue away from food. I would personally suggest she uses her pocket money to buy her Dsis a small gift, like those kineki hair tie things they all seem to love - or similar. Not costly but a token of "sorry I forgot about remembering you."

So.

you know she has little willpower/self control around food, and because of a film, decided to ignore all instinct, and let your daughter divvy it up herself.. only she didnt, and ate 95% of it.. and you're blaming your dd for it?

I guess you were never the younger kid with the older sibling who'd steal all the food if given the chance. I was.. and i just ran this by my mom who had to police my brother who was a food/drink grabass. She always split it and we(he) weren't allowed to have anything to do with it. No matter how much he promised, he was just mean, and selfish.. but his ran into literally stealing off my plate if mom wasn't looking.

Even my 72yo mom says this is your mess up and you should be protecting your 11yo from her sisters greed/mean behaviour.

Take some responsibility here.

Did your DD say why she didnt share equally with her sister when that had been agreed?
Has she don't this before?

She didn't forget. She sat eating the food in front of her sister

This whole thread just makes me feel sad for the kids involved. Fighting over food, being punished for it. Then at the crux of it are some edamame pods. Not even like it was a box of nuggets to fight over. Poor kids

Yep. It's no big deal. She's had her "punishment" which was her sister crying. Just divide it first in future.

I agree with this.
It's worrying and unusual behaviour. I don't think punishments is the right approach

Has this happened before. The older daughter taking food from the younger? There's food issues there and it might not be greed. Some kids are more food driven

I know. Total middle class problems. Someone took too many edamine pods

I just don’t get why you would put either of them in this position. All this drama!

Your older DD finds it hard to share for whatever reason. That’s fine, maybe she will when she gets older, maybe she won’t. Just take control and split food between them

Omg, there are some insane opinions on this thread!!

This is a perfectly normal disagreement between siblings (not a "war zone" 😂). Your elder DD said she could share it fairly and you were right to give her that chance. In lots of restaurants (particularly chinese, indian, japanese) it is traditional to share dishes, and part of growing up is learning how to judge and only take your fair share. This is something she needs to learn before she's old enough to eat out with friends, as otherwise she won't make herself very popular!

In this case your elder DD should have been able to estimate what half was, especially as the empty pods should have helped her keep track. She was selfish and choose to eat more. I think the punishment is fair, but I'd present it as redressing the balance rather than a punishment. Rather than expecting DD12 to buy the snack (and refrain from eating it), I'd just give the pound straight to your younger DD.

This is the kind of thing my oldest son would have done to his younger brother, quite deliberately because he really likes endamame, and thought he could get away with it. He would have even done the spiel about letting them sort it out between them fully minded to eat them all himself - because he's quite strategic like that! Im making him sound like a monster! But hes not, and a much nicer young adult now, but at that age was a highly competitive horror to his little brother.

Definitely find a way to make it up to the younger one in a visible way that the older sibling will feel like they missed out - actions & consequences. Focusing on the lesson being about sharing and not being selfish, rather than food. Maybe ask the younger one what she would like, might be toy or a trip, or she gets to choose the next film for example.