AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

Sushi as well

it’s not about the food, it’s the complete lack of thought about other people

I agree with this OP. It needs tackling, but move the conversation (and consequence) out of the food arena as much as you can. "Thoughtless people get consequences" is a reasonable lesson. "Food greed will be punished with food consequences" is setting up issues.

Your DD11 was unreasonable to ‘burst into tears’ over a few chicken wings but also your DD12 needs to learn to share.

I'm kind of relieved to hear I am not the only person still casting about for a smackerel of something after sushi.

It is most .. unsatisfying!

Yes, which is fine - you can have some fruit, or toast, or cereal - but not your sister’s share of the once-in-a-while takeaway.

The girl did not have 28 chicken wings bloody hell

So she ate around 28 little green beans instead of 14.

That's what this is about - a pot of about 50kcal in green vegetables.

I wonder whether the thread would have kicked off as much had the OP opened with 'She ate 20 extra kcal in Brussels Sprouts, how should she be punished?'

Where did I say she could never be trusted? Please don’t twist my words 🤷‍♀️

Some people eat more, some people eat less, all of this is fine.
However the thing here isn’t food quantity eaten, it’s selfish thoughtlessness. I think your idea is fair.

No, I don't agree with punishment over food. Further investigation is needed here I think, not punishment.

I think it’s good that you are addressing this as it something that as your daughter grows older she is aware of. She doesn’t want to seem to take more than her share when with friends or in a work situation etc. It’s not necessarily to punish her but to teach her good behaviours that help her going forward/in society

OP said they chose so obviously they enjoy it, children have a terrible habit of whining if they don't.

If it was Christmas dinner and OP was:

"My two daughters both love brussel sprouts. I made enough for everyone but my 12 yo poured the whole lot onto her plate and ate all but 2 whilst 11 yo was distracted. 11 yo was very upset as we generally only have brussel sprouts at Christmas,"

You wouldn't have thought it was greedy?

OP isn't cross because DD12 ate too many calories, she's cross because she took something that was to share for herself.

Don't think being told to spend a pound on her sister will fix this.

Yes, everyone hates that person at the tapas restaurant who snaffles all the best bits so other people have to go without.

As someone who grew up with a sister very similar to your oldest daughter, I think you’re right to be firm on this and tackle it now! It won’t just be food - it will be clothes, make up, toiletries etc and there will be almighty rows!
I can remember my teenage boyfriend buying me a box of chocolates - I felt so special and put them in my wardrobe as I really wanted to savour them! She ate the whole lot while I was out, and put the empty box back. My blood still boils thinking about it 😂. There was plenty of food freely available in the house, so to this day I think she did it out of spite!

Haven't read absolutely every post in this thread but OP so many of these responses seem utterly batshit and neurotic to me... Some posters give the impression that somehow anything related to food should be exempt from normal social/moral rules in case you set up major mental health problems. And equally it is perfectly possible to be greedy, it doesn't mean you're binge eating or ravenous hungry, it just means you like the food more than you care about why you shouldn't eat it - and I say that as someone who would have done exactly the same thing at 12, it's perfectly normal.

So yes, DD12 needs to make amends somehow, ideally in a way she's on board with. That is not "punishing her for eating too many calories" FFS and will not trigger MH issues. FWIW I think your instincts are absolutely right.

Er, maybe you should have led with that?! Your OP makes it sound like your DD pigged out on junk food stolen from her sister's plate! Edamame pods are so easy to mindlessly rip through, especially when you're watching telly.

Punishing your child for overeating healthy food is setting them up for disordered eating.

So, your DD11 didn’t notice beans disappearing because she was watching the film that it was impossible to stop long enough to split a pot of beans into two. You and your husband didn’t notice either…for the same reason plus sitting on the sofa…and it has not crossed your mind that your DD12 had exactly same thing happen…she was focussed on tv and didn’t realise how many she’s eaten till you called her out on it- hence the college of paediatricians recommends not eating with screens on. So, for me, I’d be checking what DD11 wants from DD12 for the missing edamame beans without making it a huge drama and moderating so it’s proportionate. You cannot punish people into caring for eachother. I’d be also avoiding any sharing dishes no matter how exciting the tv is. Yes, sharing is an important social skill, but one way of doing it successfully from that perspective is knowing that you can’t, not feeling shame because of that and just having a separate portion always.

If you know she takes more food why didn't you pause the film and fish the food up fairly instead of relying on a 12 year old to dish things up equally

I think asking your eldest to do that is a great consequence for what happened. It’s not a ‘punishment’ but encouraging your eldest to be thoughtful towards her sister when she accidentally hadn’t been previously.

No need for all the hand wringing, I think it’s a great solution and shows thought towards her sister to make up for the accident thoughtlessness previously.

Am I the only one who needs to know what this side dish is?

I'm sure they do. Mine do - and actually so do I but I still always need a bite of something less kind of cold and austere to finish.

I find it hard to understand this feeling, as actually the white rice in sushi often has sugar, so it isn't really all that austere at all. But for whatever reason it leaves me feeling I have unfinished business...

You say she has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister. Have you ever spoken to DD1 to understand her thoughts about fairness, or why she thinks she should be able to have more than half of things? I mean in an open, non-judgemental way to understand what's going on in her thinking? To figure out if she's being deliberately domineering, does she lack empathy for others, or is she just inattentive, or a bit behind in social and emotional development?

You want her to care about being a fair member of society, not just to be motivated by consequences.

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy.

This is the first thing you say about your daughter?