AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

I agree. It's not about food anyway it's about sharing.

The punishment is for not sharing equally, not specifically about the food.

Only on Mumsnet would anyone think of a pot of edamame beans as a bag of sweets.

Seriously, just feed your children properly and stop slagging them off to strangers online.

In a thread relating to her having eaten DD1’s food, yeah. She’s hardly going to focus on her music or literary taste is she?

Just to be clear here, you want to punish DD1 for being distracted whilst watching the film and not noticing exactly how much her sister was eating and not therefore eating an exact fair share. And you want to reward DD2 for being distracted whilst watching the film and not noticing exactly how much her sister was eating and not therefore eating an exact fair share.

Right. Got it. Do you always play favourites like this?

Neither of them were paying attention. They both are equally at fault.

Sorry but I agree that this is a you problem. You know DD12 eats more but decided you couldn't be bothered to dish the food out as getting back to the film was more important.
Yes she is 12 but clearly there is an issue when it comes to sharing so the fairest way is to halves it before she gets it.
Also knowing she might get her sister in trouble is it possible that the other DD eats her main first before the side so that she can then accuse the sister of eating it all and making a drama the she didn't get any.

I think as it's a know issue you were foolish for not dealing with it.

I take your point that it's true they may both have been distracted, but since DD12 specifically said she could handle the task of sharing, wouldn't she have tried to be a bit more mindful? Also, there is a track record for this type of thing; it's not a one-off.

To be honest this time op I would flag it to her and move on. Give her a warning that in future you expect her to be considerate and share "things" fairly.

I say things because I would pitch this as an issue in consideration and sharing NOT a "you are a greedy pig" food issue.

If you know it's not a one off all the more reason why you should have shared out the food and not just trusted your older daughter not to eat it all

Agree - as someone with binge-eating issues, I don't think calling them greedy is going to help them longer term.

Probably yes cos we’ve all read the thread where OP tells us what it was!

DS and I prefer Chinese tho I do love those little green beans

Yes exactly, four people being inattentive but only one is a problem. The adults lacking the impulse control to pause a movie and parent their child with a known food sharing issue is considered acceptable, but the 12 year old lacking impulse control around food is a personal failing and gets held to a higher standard.

Tbh a pot of edamame is quite small, its a single serving. If you cooked a single portion of vegetables between 2, and one of your daughters didn't take any for 10 minutes, and the other one absentmindedly ate too many vegetables in that time would you really punish her?

The 11yo clearly didn't care that much about the edamame otherwise she'd have taken some

Next time the takeaway is ordered the side belongs to the daughter that missed out. Seems logical and fair consequence to me.

I'd be annoyed if they knew that the other person was looking forward to having some and they'd used that 10 minutes to eat almost the whole lot, yes. It's unlikely to happen as most children aren't that enthusiastic about vegetables, but if we compared it to strawberries or crisps I'd have the same opinion.

Order more food!

But that's sort of my point. It seems that @SongsOfSongs finds her elder DD a bit problematic: a big eater, greedy, not nice to her sister. These are the things at the front of her mind about her daughter.

I wonder what the sibling dynamics are, and have been. And how the OP treats them - children can always pick up when a parent doesn't really approve of them or like them ...

In our household, everyone else's disapproval, which would have been expressed mildly (except perhaps by the victim) would have been enough guidance for next time. I'm not a massive fan of punishments generally especially ones that even up the score in some way as I think that is how resentment develops. I might have sympathised with both: one missed out on some edamame, the other ate them all whilst watching TV. Later, in private, I might have asked DD12 if she could understand why her sister was upset and see if she could come up with a way of making it up to her plus a strategy for the future, and I might get two sides of edamame in future with a cheerful comment about how we need more as everyone loves them. I think to foster team spirit you have to model it. How can we sort this situation with everyone feeling good about themselves? I also would avoid any shame about food with preteen girls at all costs. Edamame and kind words are much cheaper and easier than any form of future disordered eating. Good luck, OP. Twelve is a very tricky age in my experience.

I'm not twisting your words.

You said "You’re the mother, you should have dished it up accordingly. YABU " - which I thought was unfair on the op

And then you said "They’re 11 and 12, so not teenagers and clearly she can’t be trusted?" - which I thought was also unfair.

The child had said she could share sensibly - are you suggesting that the op should have said "no I don't trust you" and forcibly divvied out the shared dish?

My autistic 20 year old 20 stone son has a habit of eating more than his fair share of stuff. The best way to deal with it is dived everyone's portions yourself and keep them separate rather than punish your dd

However, not being thoughtful of others, particularly her sister, is a recurring issue

That is the issue to tackle, the recurring selfishness. Is it just towards her sister?

Have you asked your dd12 what she thinks she can do to put this correct? Id be really interested to find out how she would feel if her sister acted in the same way towards her and what she would expect as a sorry in return?

They should both have been more mindful. They were both equally responsible for ensure they had a half share. Or if you, the parents, didn't feel they were capable of that, then it was on uou to step in.

Stop treating DD1 as the scapegoat and DD2 as the golden child.

You're holding only DD1 to account for something that you were ALL guilty of. Conversely, you want to reward DD2 for the very same failing that you're punishing DD1 for. Presumably because she turned on the waterworks to get DD1 into trouble (despite her not actually being bothered about the beans to actually eat any.)

I'd be pulling DD2 up on her manipulative behaviour tbh.

Sounds like a really good punishment

Ugh why do people like punishing kids... So weird.