AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

The beans were a side dish to be shared, we don't know what else the kids were given as their main meal, maybe 12 year old got more of that than the 11 year old?

Christ even if you cant be bothered to read, at least use some common sense and think "would anyone really serve half a portion of beans to their children and call it a full meal?" "Would anyone go to the bother of ordering a takeaway for 2 pots of beans?"

OBVIOUSLY that was not the only thing the poor starving child was given to eat, it was an additional side or snack. Other food was available. Think of it as a bag of sweets if its easier.

It’s not really gentle parenting, it’s just parenting without seeming like an old fashioned headmistress on crack counting up beans. Educate dd1 up on the behavior privately and in a straightforward manner.

I'm not made of money. They know I will buy what I think should be a reasonable amount of food, but if they are still hungry, there is more at home.

give your other daughter the extra pound instead - then its not directly food linked but there is a consequence. She knew what she was doing

It's not though is it, it's about sharing and how she's treated her sister...

Why didn't you just share the pods out onto two plates for them? Much more going on here. Your older daughter sounds very spoilt

It sounds like she was set up to fail really. A few more minutes with the film paused to portion out the side would've prevented it since it was highly unlikely DD12 would suddenly have no issues with self control.

I'd ask her what she thinks she should do to make it up to her sister.

I'm surprised how many people are blaming you!

I think you're right to pull her up on it. Everyone gets pissed off at the person at the buffet / tapas / cinema who eats far more that their fair share even if it's accidental and even if they were 'just extra hungry'. Its just about learning to notice and consider others. Some people find it harder to learn than others and she does need opportunities to practice. Although maybe with a backup plan so DD2 doesn't lose out.

It's a fair solution, IMO.

What I wonder about, though, is why she's "greedy" in the first place. Usually this means restriction or sugar addiction or something, maybe even hormones given her age, so probably need to stop seeing it as greedy and consider she may just need to eat more on a regular basis?

Obviously, I don't know you or her so I'm not making any assumptions, it just stood out that she is known to be "greedy" and I wonder if there is a reason behind this behaviour other than just greed.

We all mess up as parents. No one is perfect. Children aren't either. You will never get it right. All any person can do is try your best.

Good Luck!

In these moments I'd ask dd1 what she thinks is fair to make it up to her sister.

I think you are absolutely right to pull her up on that, and frankly, even if she was hungry (which she wasn't, by the look of it) at that age, I would expect my child not to take advantage of their sibling.

If there is not enough food, then both share what there is and maybe stay a bit peckish rather than one getting their fill at the expense of the other.

My son is a very fast eater, compared to his older sister, so we really had to teach him to be more aware of others, and this has nothing to do with being hungry. I don't want him to grow up into a guy who absentmindedly eats the whole shared starter, just because it's there!

Came to say the same.

If you want consequences, don't make it a food-related punishment - especially when it sounds as though DD already has food issues.

The tears will have been shame, and shame around eating can run straight to issues like bulimia.

If you know she does things like this, you need to divide food up equally. Your oldest daughter obviously has issues with food.

Equally, your youngest daughter shouldn't be "bursting into tears" because someone ate too much.

People are so scared of giving kids eating disorders that they won't discipline around food. This isn't about food, or what food it is. Whether it's peas or sweets, or 2p's for the arcade, or minutes of play time on a games console.
This is. 12 year old who is perfectly capable of identifying "half", knows to share and has chosen to take all of something that is a shared resource.
Greed and selfishness absolutely needs disciplining.

I'd have got youngest a treat to make up for it. Something that both really likes, like ice-cream or some sweets. And told eldest she couldn't have any. Youngest didn't get any peas because you ate them all so she gets this treat. You could have shared a treat but you didn't share the peas so she doesn't have to share the treat. If you literally have nothing in the house then youngest gets a cake pop from the drive thru or a milkshake. Literally one treat of her choosing. Eldest has to learn that she actually misses out by being greedy and selfish.

It's probably not reasonable to expect DD1 to mature faster than you did. Just divide the food up for a few more years to protect DD2, and teach being considerate generally, that way you don't make food the issue. I've got one always hungry child who's a fast eater, and one dreamy very slow eater - it would be setting them up to fail to use a sharing bowl.

To be honest I think your being a bit unfair to your DD1. Mindlessly eating more than your fair share of edamame is hardly the crime of the century. You expect her to notice how many beans are on her plate compared to her sisters but absolve her younger sister of any responsibility of doing the same. If someone hasn't taken any edamame beans in 10 minutes what do they expect to happen?

You also describe her as greedy and very hungry, but then go on to say she's slim and not very active. She cannot be overeating if she's very slim, she's wanting the food her body needs, and it's unlikely someone whos slim, short and fairly sedentary is actually eating loads of food.

Is food generally restricted in your house? Is your perception of how much food a 12yo girl should want and way skewed? Because that can trigger binge eating style episodes when there's enough food available.

And just to add, if there genuinely isn't enough food, as they are growing and their appetites change, they can both ask to order two pots of edamame instead of one next time, or a different starter.

This isn't about food, or what food it is.

So why not a non-food related punishment then?

People should be scared of eating disorders. Having known someone who died, I can tell you it is far easier to prevent them than unpick them once they are in place,

Yanbu

There should be a related consequence. I probably order the same takeaway and divide the beans with your 11yo getting the lion's share. Or do the Wednesday treat thing. Maybe let 12yo chose between the two or another consequence. For the sake of your 11 yo you need to do something to address what happened.

I am from a large family with very little age game between us, I'm a twin. Maybe adopt our rule going forward, whomever dishes up the other person chooses which one they want.

It doesn’t matter if it was beans, ice cream, sweets or bloody dog biscuits. It was a treat that both the girls enjoy, both of them chose, both of them were looking forward to, and they had agreed to share. It doesn’t matter one jot if YOU PERSONALLY don’t see the appeal 🙄 I’m sure there are things you enjoy that I wouldn’t like, it doesn’t mean I can just take them from you. And no one buys edamame beans to fill them up, it’s a side. The girl could’ve had literally anything else in the house to fill her up if she was still hungry without taking her sister’s food. OP also said it’s part of a pattern of behaviour of being unkind to her younger sister. So what does it teach both girls if OP does nothing? Older daughter: you can take anything belonging to your sister, just because you feel like it, and it doesn’t matter. Younger daughter: you don’t matter, you just have to put up with your sister taking your stuff and we won’t stop her.

😂

She will have to forgo the half cream cracker and 3 raspberries that you had allocated for tonight's dinner so she can learn a lesson. 😂

FWIW OP, YANBU.

If she'd still have been starving after the sushi, she could have chosen many more filling options- I'm sure you have things like bread for toast and fruit in the house.

You're not shaming her for being hungry and eating, you're making it clear that it's unacceptable to eat food that's for someone else.

This is the best idea IMO

FWIW @SongsOfSongs my DD is the same - it’s not about the food, it’s the complete lack of thought about other people in the household. It has been a recurring issue for many years to the point I sort of gave up on it for a while thinking she’d grow out of it. She hasn’t, so it’s really good you’re trying to tackle this early on.

You don't get an eating disorder from being given a fair consequence for taking someone else's portion of food. The over-simplification of the causes of EDs (which are rarely anything to do with food on a deeper level) is extremely unhelpful.