AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

lol of course not. I’d support my friend and help her call him all the bastards under the sun. But I wouldn’t feel like he had personally done me wrong or anything like that. I wouldn’t presume to know his reasons for it.

If she cheated on him, I’d assume she had her reasons and I’d side with her anyway. I might think it was a bit shitty depending on the circumstances but it wouldn’t affect our friendship.

Tbf, @Yogarunningcoffee , your sister betrayed and hurt one their friends - how can they remain friends with someone who treated another of their friends that way?
Maybe if your DH had the affair they would have stuck by you and ditched him.

I have absolutely no sympathy unless she was in an abusive relationship

I mean, they’ve just found out that she’s a disloyal, selfish, dishonest excuse of a person.

As another poster said, I’m surprised that you’re surprised. I wouldn’t want someone with those kind of morals (or lack thereof) around me. If she was happy enough to betray her husband, the man she made vows to, anyone else is fair game.

But that’s what happened, they were HIS friends and so obviously they’re going to be really mad that someone cheated on him and be on his side.

They are worried their husband is next on her list.

Naaah. Im at an age where I have seen the fall out from a few affairs and its not pretty. When you see someone you care about deeply get hurt, watch their lives get exploded and have to spend the subsequent months supporting them you cant help but have a very dim view of the person who caused that and in turn loss of respect.

You are surprised actions have consequences?

That's from the point of view of being friends with the person who has been cheated on. Not the one who cheated.

I have no doubt he was their original friend and they are sticking with him. My point is that, generally, there are a lot of people on here saying they would not be friends with someone who had an affair at all. Thank you for offering your point in such a lovely way though x

When the woman cheats, everyone sides with the man.

When the man cheats, everyone also sides with the man,

I lost nearly all my friends when my husband left me.

While I agree with most of the posts responding to this, it is very sad when this happens. My DM (born in 1922) had a close circle of friends, including one woman who she always double-dated with and they purchased a wedding dress that they shared! They and their DH remained close friends throughout most of their adult lives. When they were in their 20s the friend's brother became engaged with another one of their girl friends, who ended up having an affair with and getting pregnant by a married man. This caused my DM's friend and all the circle of friends to ostracise that woman. Fair enough.

When my DM was in her late 80s she returned back to her hometown and reconnected with several of those old friends, including the woman whose brother had been cheated on and the woman who had done the cheating. To her shock, the lifelong friend cut my DM out because of this -- 60+ years after the event.

I was with my DM when she died and she told me of a hallucination she had had not long before she died where she was convinced that her friend and the friend's mother were at the foot of her bed and she was trying to explain to them why she felt they were wrong to continue to ostracise that other woman. It was such a ridiculous thing to be doing at such a late age. And despite me notifying the woman when my DM died, she didn't come to the funeral or acknowledge her in any way. I felt so sad for both her and my DM to have been caught up in such a stupid thing. At my DM's funeral the daughter of the friend who got pregnant told me how much my DM's friendship meant to her DM (who had died a few years before).

They met her through him so they are his friends first and have loyalty to him. They have chosen him.

Exactly, I found out who my real friends were so why would I drop one because they had an affair?

This is the wrong forum for any nuanced discussion about infidelity - it’s a bit like being in a 19 th century novel. Life is messy and complicated and infidelity happens and has always happened and it doesn’t automatically make someone a terrible person. I remember being really shocked at the vitriol on these threads. In real life, at least amongst people I know, there has been an understanding that some relationships don’t last and it’s not always neat and tidy. But I know that will get short shrift on here. That however is not necessarily a reflection of the real world out there.

They are his friends so their loyalty is to him

There’s often truth in the following saying:
‘Show me your friends and it will show me the type of person you are.’

Good hope she's miserable. Consequences and all that. Bet she wasn't "in a bad way" when she was shagging someone else eh?

You’re not unreasonable to be surprised, but I can see why they’d choose him as they were ‘his’ friends to begin with. And probably not even that, their partners are his friends. I doubt it’s about any moral judgement, though she’s made it easy to take his side. People have affairs, it’s shitty but I don’t think you deserve all the nasty replies.

Your sister was obviously not happy in the marriage, and doesn’t sound much fun living in a place where your only friends are your husband’s friends’ partners. It’s a shitty way to get out of it but it’s done now. Maybe she will move home, or make a life that she’s happier in.

I’m not surprised at all, and I’ve done the same to an ex friend of mine.

I don't know about this one. I've made a point my whole life of befriending people who are better humans than I am. Definitely married one. It's who I'm drawn to, but not necessarily who I am.

She'll just need to make new friends. You often have to do that after a split, regardless of the circumstances.

This is an apt saying. Wise woman…

You’ve answered your own question - they were his friends first. Not surprising at all that they’ve frozen her out.

Whilst I understand she’s your sister, she’s made her bed, and is now going to have to lie in it.

Some people love to play the victim.