AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

See if it was a friend of mine I could disagree with the behaviour but still be friends. However it seems these woman( or their husbands) are more friends with her husband than her

She made her bed... that is if she can stay in it.

It's weird, but I do feel sorry for your sister depending on if she knew fully what she was doing?

IMPORTANTLY I need to state that I'm still recovering (almost at 2 years) from my stbexH informing me on my birthday that after 34 years together and 4 kids he no longer loved me or fancied me and had already found someone else (a Thai woman - you couldn't get more cliche).

So being sad for your sister may be a sign that I'm healing, because, for me, it was a surprise! How much was she aware of what it would cost her? My stbexH didn't have a clue! Me divorcing him was such a shock. I know because I was there. He actually said "Why would you divorce me? You're my best friend..... who am I going to talk to? You're the only one I ever talk to."

Yep his children know this unfortunately because it played out in front of 3 of them. So individuals having affairs really do believe they're untouchable. So I'm simply sad that another relationship has come to a stop. Was she too tempted? Was being on her own without her own friends and family around her too much? If so forgive her and encourage her to come home.

Good luck.

You won’t get any sympathy here. Having an affair is the worst crime imaginable on Mumsnet.

Indeed

Or

Fuck around (literally) and find out

And THAT's how you treat dirty old cheatbags.

Bravo the (ex) friends.

There is literally no reason to stay with one partner and have another. It is that black and white.

It's pretty bad everywhere, tbf.

As the OP's sister has found out.

I absolutely loved my ex's friends and a couple of them I saw every week independently of him.

There was no cheating in our breakup and I did absolutely nothing wrong, but sadly none of them felt they could stay friends with me afterwards.

People tend to stay friends with the friend they had first in these cases.

My friend in particular was there for me during a stillbirth and even though they worked for a different organisation took my staff under their wing because I was worried they would leave when I was off. They check in and have shown me nothing but kindness and love. That makes them a friend worth keeping, especially given all the upstanding people that dropped me like a hot potato when my loss made them uncomfortable. I am friends with people that have demonstrated loyalty, love and kindness to me. What they do in their marriage is none of business.

Don't shield her from the consequences of her own actions.

Hopefully this way she'll learn a hard lesson and change her ways.

If a woman shagged around on my male friend, no way would I be staying friends with her.

She should have thought about the potential to blow up her whole life and social circle before she started having sex with a man who was not her husband then, shouldn’t she? No one really wants to be friends with a cheater, and that’s what she is.

Obvs not wise to rely on friends you’ve met via a DP: if you split for any reason, unless it’s exceptionally amicable, the friends will likely focus on keeping in touch with the DP.

Did she not have any friends of her own when she met her DH or keep close to them after they were together?

Could she reconnect with old friends now? What about work colleagues?

I'm surprised you are surprised.
Most people pick one person as he is
A) the original friend and
B) the wronged party
go figure.

Your sisters husband must be devastated - poor fella. Your sister knew this might happen, it’s sad she was willing to break his heart like this. Of course no one close to him will want to see or hear from her again.

Lol, my dad said this to me growing up, I've never heard anyone else use it!

She wasn't stupid, she was abusive, and shat on not only the person she was supposed to be committed to, but all of his friends who welcomed her in. I hope she can get away soon for some counselling and support.

@NovaF My guess is that in this instance, the friends feel that her husband is their loyal, loving, and kind friend, so they're keeping him and ditching her, because she's hurt their lovely friend so much.

Yes, of course they will be loyal to their friend, this comes as no shock. Is she going to come back to your neck of the woods? Hope so because you sound a caring sister and be good if could be closer.

She's made a massive mistake sadly and she's got consequences.

Sounds like they were his friends first and rightly they are sticking with him his done nothing wrong he shouldn't lose friends because she fucked around on him she's just sorry she got caught

I lost all my friends when I split with my ex (they were met through him) and our split wasn't my fault. That hurt.

How close would you stay with the wife of one of your husbands close friends after you found out she’d had an affair and he was devastated by the betrayal? Im guessing not very.

Best advice for her is probably find a new hobby, take up a new class, find a new gym, volunteer somewhere new. Totally new connections. And describe it as needing a distraction because marriage has broken down and gloss over the details on why.

That's a little different she chose to cheat you don't choose to have a stillborn baby them doing that did you a favour you found out who your real friends are this woman has done this to herself

Shocker! My ex husband had an affair and dumped me and the dc. It was absolutely awful. My friends can be civil to him now 9 YEARS LATER . For a long time no one spoke to him at all.
Some of HIS friends actually ditched him as they felt he was not who they thought he was.