AIBU to be shocked my sister's friends have completely frozen her out after affair?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My sister very stupidly has had an affair and been found out. Her husband is understandably devastated and has started divorce proceedings.

Since the affair came to light, my sister’s friends have completely frozen her out - there has been no contact at all from any of the women she was friends with.

DSis moved away when she met her husband, and as a result all of her friends are people she met through him. They all seemed to be really close and spent huge amounts of time together including going away on holiday etc.

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends ?! She doesn’t have any other friends in the area and I’m really worried that she’s completely isolated whilst in a bad way mentally.

It can be really hard to stay friends who someone who has treated another (longer) friend poorly.

👍

Hopefully she will recover in time and make her own friends. You can't expect DP's to side with her. Must be hard for her at first.

I just don’t think it’s that deep. Marriages can be complicated.

You wont get any support on this forum I wouldnt have thought

Ive been quite shocked at how posters usually are around affairs. No one is pretending its ok to be unfaithful but life happens, humans are animals and social creatures and act impulsively and decietfully at times. Posters are very black and white though, like as if she has murdered someone.

Would she be able to move back nearer you after the divorce?

It’s not surprising for all the reasons others have mentioned.
It depends on the community. My ex husband was nasty and hit me during an argument I worked locally and had a local GP and friends. I needed to go to hospital and the GP and of course work knew what had happened. I did tell my immediate friends what had happened. All our mutual friends cut him off instantly. His ‘friend were told a different story by him. I even had one of his friend confront me to demand I let her friend (my ex) see his children when carcass had said no. She shouted at me that I was a vile human being. I didn’t answer.
It was in a very insular community and I was given court permission 5 years later to move back to my home town. He stayed. I am surprised. He was given a restraining order but mainly because I was quiet locally in pubs etc and didn’t make his life hell he kept his head down and carried on - he even won a local citizenship award a few years later. (!)

However, had I been him I would have moved to where all his family is 5 hours away. He has no family - where he is. Baffling really. But he stayed and 10 years on the memory of me and his actions has probably faded.

I have stopped being friends with two women that I was friends with (not their husbands) one had an affair and used a friendship with me to cover / I immediately ended the friendship. The other one literally had an affair with a married man (she was married) who were all part of my circle and yes the friendship stopped immediately with the man and woman involved in the affair. Children and spouses were really really emotionally and mentally hurt and they needed our support and were given it.

If she can she might want to think about a new area. Decisions and actions have consequences.

Who would want to be friends with someone selfish and sneaky with no morals, respect or care for other people?

She’s in the Find Out phase….

As if those friends (his friends originally) would stay friends with her!! They sound like decent loyal people IMO

If she met them through him then it’s no surprise they’ve dumped her is it?

This. We have a big group of friends and one of the couples, this exact same situation happened. We were all friends with the husband first as it was, but even so we sided with him.

You shit in your own nest. What did your sister expect?

I do understand that she’s done wrong but AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends

I think her husband is more shocked how quickly she dropped her underwear for another man!

I’m not surprised. It shows she has a moral character they do not align with. And they may worry… if she will go for their husbands as well as sympathising with their other friend who she bloody cheated on.

The only people who stand by people after they have an affair are family (sometimes) and decades old friends (sometimes).

i agree with that,

i wonder what the temptation was, his wallet, or his charming personality @Yogarunningcoffee

I agree with what people are saying in that they are hi friends. I do have a lot of empathy and I feel sorry for her. Support her the best you can. I have been in a similar situation, and I bitterly regret what I did and so sorry, but the consequences are what they are and she will have to forgive herself and move on. Pray for her, be there for her, she will have the chance to do better next time. It’s just an expensive lesson to learn…trust me

AIBU to be quite shocked at how quickly she has been dropped by seemingly close friends?!

What's the alternative to quickly dropping someone in this scenario though? Surely you can't expect them to stay friends with your Dsis when they were her DH's friends first and foremost, she cheated on him and now they're getting divorced. How would that even work if they usually socialise and go away together as a group? Their only options are to drop your Dsis quickly or to phase her out gradually. They've chosen the most honest and probably least awkward option IMO.

While I agree being judgemental is rarely the best way forward, so many people end up divorced, so many people have affairs. She won't be the first in the group and she won't be the last.

I think if a close friend is capable of deceiving her husband by having an affair behind his back, I would wonder if she was deceitful with me too, and what she would try to do behind my back.
This kind of behaviour can bring about trust issues much wider than you think. People will feel like they never really knew her and will be disappointed, and sometimes you just can't get past that. Trust is fundamental to any type of close relationship.

She deserves it

So you wouldn’t care if your best friends husband had been cheating on her?

You would continue to support him and be friends with him, even though he broke up your friends marriage?

Perhaps her bit of strange could introduce her to some new friends.

It’s certainly a quandary 😵‍💫🤦🏼‍♀️

Woman are often vilified for affairs by their friends in a way that men are not. Affairs are not just about sex they are a sign that something is lacking and whilst an affair is not great it is no reflection on her as a friend. I would stick by a friend because it's a sign they have more than likely been unhappy for a long time. I think affairs often give people a way out if they are found out. (sub-consciously of course} As a friend you stick by them no matter what and I'm sure your sister could do with a friend now. Life is not just black and white and if you are lucky enough to be able to say you'd never have an affair you are blessed.

You’re shocked that posters don’t support people who have affairs?
Really???

I hope you don’t go around posting on peoples threads with that attitude.

Imagine a devastated OP finding out her DH has been having an affair and now they have to divorce with young kids and you’re there sticking up for her cheating husband saying it’s not black and white.

Of course it’s black and white.
Cheating whilst in a relationship = always wrong.
There are no grey areas.

If you want to have sex with someone else, then you separate and then do it.