To ask if you've mastered the art of not feeling bad about an ageing face

[CurdinHenry]

I spend too much on vanity and think it would be sensible to roll it back and stop thinking about it (I'm soon to turn 45). Obviously physical health is important but I mean the Botox/etc side of things.

HOWEVER my eyelids bother me and so will my everything else when it all eventually starts to go natural. I'll still dye my hair forever unless Armageddon happens in my lifetime.

I think the forties are an age of power and I am so pleased with my career and everything else so I want to stop being weakened by this one thing.

I don't plan to make peace with my aging face. I want to look as young as I feel.

I don't plan to go gentle into that good night. I will rage against the dying of the light.

Do what makes you happy, but there will come a point where you'll be fooling nobody but yourself.

Also - 'weaken' ????

It's kind of hilarious that people accuse others of being shallow but don't see that not respecting someone's point of view because it is different to theirs is ..well..shallow.

OP - are you seeking permission from society to quit or scale down your beauty regime? You didn't need permission to start or maintain it so you don't need permission to quit.

The comments about ugly people on here don’t deserve any respect

I wasn't referring to childish insults more like well, I don't agree with botox etc and so you shouldn't have it because if you do that makes you silly etc.

No it's not personal to me. I just hate to see people - you - who think their way is the only way and that if it's not their/your way then there is something wrong with other people and they should get therapy or have an issue. Whatever happened to live and let live ? You're getting touchy about the use of the words not normal but yet YOU declare there's something wrong with the OP. Can't you see how much of a hypocrite you are? I couldn't give a shit about how grey, baggy, saggy, wrinkled anyone is - it's their choice. Similarly I couldn't give a shit about what procedures people chose to have. I do give a shit about hypocrites.

I think the important thing is to do some little things so improve how you feel and that could impact how you look?

Half the people I know don't look their age because they don't stress about it, they eat right, exercise and some of them have had cosmetic help (not a bad thing at all). Majority of the time you can't tell because it's been done right!
For me, I see getting older as a privilage. Every line, scar, crease - tells a story. (Having a massive health scare and almost dying really opens your eyes to that 😉)

Ageing doesn't exactly come as a surprise does it? I feel like I've had all my life to prepare for it. When I saw my first grey hair I thought, well, I had a good innings but here it is, the thing that was inevitably coming all along.

I also firmly believe youth is how you feel. I simply don't feel old in spirit yet so I don't consider myself old. I'm fitter and healthier than when I was young, by a long way. I'm smarter and more confident, too. I couldn't pass for 25, sure, but that really doesn't matter. (The thing with putting all that effort and money and time into anti-ageing techniques is that sure, you might look younger than the next 45-year-old, but you absolutely cannot compete with all the 25-year-olds out there when it comes to youth, and surely you feel undignified even trying?)

Dealing with an ageing body and the fucking injuries that take months to heal is a completely different mental battle though, and I haven't learned to accept that yet. It's tough.

I’m not bothered about physically ageing. I get my nails done regularly though and it sure as hell ain’t for the men.

So misogynistic to assume that whenever women do or feel anything it’s linked to the need to impress men.

Yes this. Why on earth does it have to be one or the other?
I am hugely grateful to be alive and in (relative) good health at 50 but still have an interest in how I look

Hang on
No one said you have to shuffle around in sackcloth with a scrubbed face!

Op is talking about the psychological issue of obsession with ageing , in that it is causing mental distress, she has started other threads.
This is a deep self esteem issue

I love getting my hair done, wear make up, keep fit etc because I want to look my best, thats not about looking younger .
All the stuff you see on Insta is smoke and mirrors , completely staged and heavily filtered, hair is professionally styled,make up artists, lighting etc
They might be in a meadow clutching a bunch of wild flowers and "just tumbled out of bed, I always look like this " but hours will have gone into getting that shot.

The plastic surgery industry is just that, an industry
30 year olds getting facelifts FFS!
I think there will be some huge legal actions in the coming years when they realise what they have done and ruined their faces

Well then I suggest you go look elsewhere. Of course my way isn’t the only way - I would never suggest that. In fact I would be surprised if anyone did things the same.

I think people should do whatever they need to do to make their lives more pleasant - including makeup, fillers etc if that makes them happy.

Several people have pointed out that the OP has issues from her childhood. Hence the suggestion of.therapy. She clearly feels very strongly about losing her looks and keeps posting things about how ugly people don’t get rescued in survival situations etc.

Being a woman is tough. Recently read Girl on Girl which I recommend, it’s a book about how popular culture has turned women against themselves- particularly millennials. Men don’t really have to deal with this. The worst thing they have to worry about is going bald which I know is tough for some of them. If they get wrinkles or grey hair it’s considered hot but women have to cover the same things up.

I have always hated that pressure on women. I chose to turn my back on it but I’m AUDHD (although I didn’t know it at the time), which made certain things much simpler

I’m happy with my crumbling face. I’m blonde and have soft skin so feel like I may look older than I am but so what?
I have one deep line where the ‘11’s are and it does bother me sometimes but then I forget about it.
I do a small amount of skincare, gua sha when i remember.
A good way for me to not worry about it too much is to look at the much older celebrities and others who have had work done and how awful they all look. Play the long game

When I was 15 a good friends sister who was 17 died. I am 60 this year if I have ever for even a second felt even the teeniest bit maudlin in my life about anything I think Suzanne never ever got to live life as she died on the brink of womanhood, neither the good or the bad bits. Even when my DD died I thought at least I got to be a Mother.

So no I have never really cared about getting older. I went to a good friends birthday party on Saturday. There were women there I hadn’t seen since we left school in the 1980’s. What a laugh it was. We were the same people the girl who was ditzy and the sweetest person ever was the same, the fashionista still the same, birthday girl still wild as anything.

Not read the full thread but

• my cousin died at 18 years old in a car crash
• a girl in my school died at 16
• my neighbour's wife died from cancer when her kids were just 8 and 16
• ditto my friend's partner's wife before she met him (their kids were really young like 3-5ish)

I was not close to any of thise people but it happened around me iyswim

Ageing is a privilege.

I think of it like this, the alternative to aging is dying. I had a rare-cancer diagnosis in 2018 and I'm still here.
I get to live (!!) so I live with whatever time throws at me - grey hairs, crepey hands, wobbly skin. My body has been through a lot and I've come to realise its not about what it looks like, just that it still carries me through the world and lets me make memories and spend time with the people i love.

I don't really think ageing is a privilege, I think it's a mad experience to live through (obviously the pain and health stuff much worse but I think watching yourself change beyond recognition is legitimately weird to experience). There is more than one way to meet tragedy in this life.

That said I literally never think about other people getting old in a bad way, I've never really thought about appearance. I just feel bad about myself.

I also find it hard to become the person it would be disturbing to be flirted with by! Not that I was ever a massive flirt or even pretty so it's irrational really.

Idk I think I'm having that collagen cliff moment and I just need to come to terms. I agree you can't fight nature and even really rich people end up looking awful from overdoing.

I don't think there's a single older female celebrity who hasn't had something done, though...

And yeah I can see that living through something like this is a real reminder of all the things to embrace

you keep all these treatments from your husband?

I'm one of the people the OP would consider ugly. Always have been. But I've never been short of male attention, even now when my hair is greying and frizzy, my upper eyelids are crinkly, my tummy is flabby and I haven't worn nail varnish since 1995.

its seen as a privilege because the alternative is dying.

Go ahead and take all the supplements, have all the fillers you like. Your looks are clearly very very important to you. But it does come across (perhaps intentionally) that you are terrified of being seen as unattractive and that your own issues mean you subconsciously judge others.

Being unattractive is not the worst thing in the world - those comments you make about being rescued etc makes it sound like ugly/plain people live a life in the shadows with no job, no partner and no life.

I suggested therapy because it’s clear you are disproportionately terrified of losing your looks. And others have commented that you had a traumatic childhood. It will happen so you need to accept it.

You also have to bear in mind that the way you look is really only important to you. Most people won’t give others a second glance.

I know it’s a cliche but looks are skin deep. I know people who have the personality and charisma that draws people to them, even if they aren’t ‘attractive’.

Those people seem to make connections in a deeper way. Looks can go overnight but personality and charisma is a different thing.

Sounds like you are nailing it and that you could be one of those people!

Holy Fuck!
You would rather die young than grow old @CurdinHenry
Have you ever watched a young person die , its utterly gut wrenchingly awful .
My colleague died at 43 of cancer, leaving 2 small children, knowing she had zero chance on diagnosis and was dead 6 months later.
Knowing her children would grow up without her
I really think you need to get some urgent therapy if you you feel this desparately bad about yourself