Am I being unfair expecting OH to actually parent his eldest?

[SecondTimeLucky0]

Hi all. Posting because I genuinely don’t know if I’m expecting too much anymore or if this is just how blended families are and I need to get over myself a bit.

We live in a 2 bed terrace and up until recently my stepsons were only here every other weekend plus bits of school holidays. They’re 14, 10 and 7 and me and OH also have a 14 month old together.

Before anyone says it yes I know the house is small but it worked fine before because the older boys mostly camped out in the living room when they stayed.

Things changed with their mum and they’re now here full time. I’ve actually tried really hard to make it work. We moved DS into our room which honestly hasn’t been ideal because he still wakes in the night sometimes, and we decorated the second bedroom properly for the boys with bunkbeds/storage/new bedding etc so it actually felt like their room not just somewhere they dumped bags every other weekend.

The issue is the eldest.

He absolutely hates sharing and makes everyone miserable constantly. He shouts at the younger two for touching “his” stuff, pushes them about, swears at them and at me if I say anything and OH either says nothing or tells me he’s “struggling with the change”.

I do understand it’s a big adjustment but there seems to be no line at all. Last week he shoved the 10yo hard enough that he hit the doorframe because apparently he’d sat on the wrong side of the room. Yesterday he launched his phone at the wall during an argument with OH because he was told to put washing away and smashed the screen. OH then paid to get it repaired because “otherwise he won’t have a phone for school”.

I nearly lost my mind honestly.

The younger boys are starting to look nervous around him and my 7yo SS cried at bedtime because the eldest had threatened to “make his life hell” if he touched his charger again.

OH says I’m expecting too much too soon and that his eldest is angry/confused and needs support not punishment. I’m not asking him to be marched off to military school, I just think there should actually be consequences when he’s hurting people or smashing things?

I’m also getting fed up of feeling like me and the little ones are the ones constantly compromising while he gets accommodated because he kicks off the loudest.

AIBU to think this can’t just carry on indefinitely?

It's not good enough to say you didn't plan it. He was a dad to 3 before he had another child.

I have a 14 year old and he really needs privacy and space. I can't imagine how this feels to him after a day at school. Of course he is emotionally dysegulated and getting upset

I presume also there is some trauma involved in losing time with mum? You just understand this is hugely destabilizing (as in... Life long trauma type of destabilization/)

This boy needs counselling please talk to his school and gp

You need to move or give up the living room for the teenager

I have memories of house sharing in my childhood. My Nan, two unmarried Aunts and Uncle, Mum, Dad me and later my sister until I was 11 in a three bed house. Nan and two Aunts had one bedroom Uncle had box room, We had the other bedroom. Front living room was ours, they had the back living room. Kitchen and bathroom shared. It had to work until Mum & Dad were offered a small two bed prefab. I shared a bedtoom with my eight year old sister until I was sixteen.
It’s all very well saying the family should move that isn’t rocket science and no doubt OP would have done that were it possible! She has posted for help not judgement. if finances don’t allow, what then? The situation is not ideal, and I dare say OP and her partner had no expectation of having to have all the children living in one house. But it has happened and the 14 year old must be made to understand that they ALL have to make the best of a bad situation while more suitable accommodation can be found. I would be interested to know why the boys can no longer be living with their mother - that is a very relevant issue, Is she being as irresponsible as the boys’ father ?

A teenage boy will wish/need to masturbate perhaps several times a day. We all know this. Being unable to because of the constant presence of other people is likely to piss him off, for a start. How many bathrooms do you have?

if you have a garden can you perhaps convert a shed or garage for him?

You need to move asap. It simply isn’t tenable. I’d be acting out if I was him also. That must be awful.