Am I being unfair expecting OH to actually parent his eldest?

[SecondTimeLucky0]

Hi all. Posting because I genuinely don’t know if I’m expecting too much anymore or if this is just how blended families are and I need to get over myself a bit.

We live in a 2 bed terrace and up until recently my stepsons were only here every other weekend plus bits of school holidays. They’re 14, 10 and 7 and me and OH also have a 14 month old together.

Before anyone says it yes I know the house is small but it worked fine before because the older boys mostly camped out in the living room when they stayed.

Things changed with their mum and they’re now here full time. I’ve actually tried really hard to make it work. We moved DS into our room which honestly hasn’t been ideal because he still wakes in the night sometimes, and we decorated the second bedroom properly for the boys with bunkbeds/storage/new bedding etc so it actually felt like their room not just somewhere they dumped bags every other weekend.

The issue is the eldest.

He absolutely hates sharing and makes everyone miserable constantly. He shouts at the younger two for touching “his” stuff, pushes them about, swears at them and at me if I say anything and OH either says nothing or tells me he’s “struggling with the change”.

I do understand it’s a big adjustment but there seems to be no line at all. Last week he shoved the 10yo hard enough that he hit the doorframe because apparently he’d sat on the wrong side of the room. Yesterday he launched his phone at the wall during an argument with OH because he was told to put washing away and smashed the screen. OH then paid to get it repaired because “otherwise he won’t have a phone for school”.

I nearly lost my mind honestly.

The younger boys are starting to look nervous around him and my 7yo SS cried at bedtime because the eldest had threatened to “make his life hell” if he touched his charger again.

OH says I’m expecting too much too soon and that his eldest is angry/confused and needs support not punishment. I’m not asking him to be marched off to military school, I just think there should actually be consequences when he’s hurting people or smashing things?

I’m also getting fed up of feeling like me and the little ones are the ones constantly compromising while he gets accommodated because he kicks off the loudest.

AIBU to think this can’t just carry on indefinitely?

Happens so regularly. Stuff first family and start a new one. Poor dc!

Your house can't sustain the amount of people in it at all, is it tented or bought, you definitely need somewhere bigger!

It's a bit rage baity Mumsnet bingo
or is it just me?

What are your long term plans OP? Is this a temporary arrangement until whatever happened with their mum is resolved, or is this permanent. If it is the latter, you need to move to more suitable accommodation as soon as possible. The current situation is pretty damaging for all of you.

Do you rent or own your house with a mortgage? What is your financial situation? Do you and your DH both work? Does the mum of your stepchildren pay maintenance?

Your DH can't allow his eldest child to bully his younger children, even if he feels really sorry for the situation that everyone is in.

Yes your husband needs to parent his child but ultimately you need to move house or change the bedroom situation. Let the younger two share your bedroom and you and husband and baby get a sofa bed (and cot) for the living room. You can put it away in the morning.

We are planning to move but it won't be for a while yet, yes its not ideal but we didn't plan on this. Sleeping in the living room isn't an option.

Your husband needs to sort out a more suitable living situation for his 4 children. You’re talking about a teenager who’s probably been through some trauma to be suddenly living with an extremely part time parent. He will be under significant pressure at this point in school.

of course he can’t continue to be violent, but he, and everyone else needs some space to be able to decompress, it sounds horrendously claustrophobic.

Why is it not an option? Are the step children going to be with you permanently?

Why not? Either for you or even the eldest?

Out of left field suggestion but could you get a little garden pod for the 14yo? A Hully Pod or something? Then he could have his own space.

The father needs to actively parent in this situation.

first, he needs to address the violence. That should 100% not be tolerated. Pure punishment may or may not be the best approach in a high stress situation. The behavior might best be addressed with a mix of natural consequences and empathy.

second, he needs to stop the younger children from messing with the older teens belongings. They absolutely should not be entering the tiny slice of space he calls his own. His things belong to him and should be off limits. Being upset about children getting in his way is not unreasonable. The only problem is the way he is responding.

put tape down on the floor if you have to, but a 14 year old needs his own area.

You can’t put a 14 year old in a shed. How wood he get to the loo apart from anything else.

So your plan is? It sounds very unsustainable.

Well, the other option is you split - he houses his 3 older boys, you house yourself & the youngest.

Who is on the mortgage/tenancy?

Ha, my DH’s brother did his whole teenage years living in their log cabin in garden! He still talks about it fondly now. IME most teenagers don’t need to routinely use the loo overnight but he could just come inside if he did 🤷‍♀️

Why isn't the living room an option?

Why did your OH only consider a 2 bed in the first place? Even before you had a child with him, he would have already had 3 children so most people would have looked at 3 beds minimum.

I am not sure you have a good catch here if he was so happy to start a new family and only move into a house that supports one new offspring rather than the existing 3.

Walk?

A shed could be used in daytime simply to get some room and some peace.Homework must be hard to do with 3children in one room and another child around.

A 2 bed house was never sufficient in the first place

And what about at night? He has nowhere to sleep. He would be locked out if he was in a shed and I for one wouldnt be on for that.

While you’re waiting to move, is there any way the boys’ room could be partitioned to give the 14 year old some privacy?

This is the sort of idea.

Yes, he most properly can't use a key being 14 yo.
Some daytime privacy wouldn't harm, would it?

You can’t put a 14 ya old in a shed.

You can't.
I would happily do it as a daytime resort.

In summer (sometime in winter too) our oldest kids lived and slept in a tent. Day and night.
Sadly we don't have a garden anymore but they were very happy teenagers. They have left home with fond memories of tenting.

Must be, where were all 3 older boys sleeping when visiting dad before he met op?
he downsized when he met her and had a new child?