Am I being unfair expecting OH to actually parent his eldest?

[SecondTimeLucky0]

Hi all. Posting because I genuinely don’t know if I’m expecting too much anymore or if this is just how blended families are and I need to get over myself a bit.

We live in a 2 bed terrace and up until recently my stepsons were only here every other weekend plus bits of school holidays. They’re 14, 10 and 7 and me and OH also have a 14 month old together.

Before anyone says it yes I know the house is small but it worked fine before because the older boys mostly camped out in the living room when they stayed.

Things changed with their mum and they’re now here full time. I’ve actually tried really hard to make it work. We moved DS into our room which honestly hasn’t been ideal because he still wakes in the night sometimes, and we decorated the second bedroom properly for the boys with bunkbeds/storage/new bedding etc so it actually felt like their room not just somewhere they dumped bags every other weekend.

The issue is the eldest.

He absolutely hates sharing and makes everyone miserable constantly. He shouts at the younger two for touching “his” stuff, pushes them about, swears at them and at me if I say anything and OH either says nothing or tells me he’s “struggling with the change”.

I do understand it’s a big adjustment but there seems to be no line at all. Last week he shoved the 10yo hard enough that he hit the doorframe because apparently he’d sat on the wrong side of the room. Yesterday he launched his phone at the wall during an argument with OH because he was told to put washing away and smashed the screen. OH then paid to get it repaired because “otherwise he won’t have a phone for school”.

I nearly lost my mind honestly.

The younger boys are starting to look nervous around him and my 7yo SS cried at bedtime because the eldest had threatened to “make his life hell” if he touched his charger again.

OH says I’m expecting too much too soon and that his eldest is angry/confused and needs support not punishment. I’m not asking him to be marched off to military school, I just think there should actually be consequences when he’s hurting people or smashing things?

I’m also getting fed up of feeling like me and the little ones are the ones constantly compromising while he gets accommodated because he kicks off the loudest.

AIBU to think this can’t just carry on indefinitely?

Unfortunately op, it is the adults who have created this disaster, (mainly your oh for having 4 children he clearly cannot afford) and it is thus the adults who should take the brunt of the problem. The living room for you 3 sounds like the best option, freeing up a bedroom for the 14yo. Yes, he’s being a pain, but he is understandably very very frustrated especially with whatever happened to his mum.

If the living room was suitable for the boys to sleep in, then its suitable for you two to sleep in until you do manage to live somewhere bigger.

This is a good idea

The living situation is untenable. While the 14 year old is going through a change, its unacceptable to be violent towards his younger siblings. This ineeds to be dealt with first. He cannot control his outbursts and it could also be assertion of dominance in some way. This is really not a safe situation for your youngest child or any of the younger children. He will become more violent. The siblings are already walking on eggshells. You will be next, his father needs to tell him it stops or he's out . If any of his brothers say something at school then you'll have social services involved and you'll be looked at as not prioritising safety of your 17 month old.

Get your other half to move out and take his kids and keep your baby safe .

Sorry you think you’ll get homeless accommodation because a 14 yo is pissed off his dad has created an overcrowding issue and isn’t stopping younger siblings breaking his stuff? You know if op gets anything it’ll be a b & b or a premier inn?

his father needs to tell him it stops or he's out

Out where?
You can’t throw a child out of their home like that.

Maybe loft extension?

I would not put up with a violent 14 stepson in my house at all. If he's not given consequences for any of it he'll become another violent grown up. He'd be out along with his father

Question: are the younger kids actually touching the 14 yo's stuff? If so, that must be stopped. Get him a box with a lock, then he knows they can't.

My guess is you’re in council/housing association and so moving isn’t an option unless a bigger house becomes available?

I think your DH is right, he is going through a lot and it’s good that he understands that but yeah he should be stepping up and trying to sort this and not just ignoring the problem at the expense of everyone else.

Can you get him to counselling? Maybe through the school? Maybe speak to the little ones about respecting boundaries too. They shouldn’t be touching his stuff, even if his reaction is disproportionate. It’s also quite normal for siblings to fight so bare that in mind too

Well you say that but if his fathers name is on the mortgage or tenancy then she’d have no legal right to kick DP out

Yep. It’s so annoying. This is why I refuse to date men with kids. I don’t want to facilitate their “second family” when it means they are now no longer able to provide for the first family.

You can’t have kids with a man who already has kids unless you’re prepared for the possibility of them living with you full-time.

She wouldn't have a legal right no. But she has a parental responsibility to safeguard her biological child over any step children shes not had much of a relationship with until recently

I agree there needs to be some consequences and he needs to be held to a higher standard because he can't be left to behave that way, but he also needs support because something has clearly gone quite wrong for them to be unable to live with Mum. He's at a really tricky age and 3 of them sharing a room is very far from ideal so he does need support with everything.

I will never understand why a man would have 3 kids and then have a 4th with 1 bedroom for them all.

Why would you get pregnant before moving to a bigger house?
You knew there was a chance that his other children would live with you at some point.

The eldest’s behaviour is not ok but they’ve all been through a massive upheaval and put in a home that doesn’t even have space for them aka doesn’t actually want them there.

He needs his own space.

If I was you, I would create a bedroom for you and DH downstairs with the baby.

Then I’d give your room to the eldest but with strict rules that he needs to sort his behaviour out.

A higher standard than his irresponsible parents who aren’t even providing him with a bed room?
poor boy can’t live with mum or dad can he?

Exactly this.

Yep, op, dh and youngest in living room, and 14 yo own room, next 2 sharing

So should she make her and her DS honesless by leaving? And then send him to the house without her for shared custody?

Its so easy to make sweeping statements on MN about what people should be doing but it’s not really reality is it.

Honestly the house is too small obviously but I don’t understand MNs outrage at siblings sharing, it was so normal when I was growing up for siblings to share. My brothers shared until the eldest moved out, my best friend shared with her sister until her oldest two sisters, who shared had moved out. People didn’t just keep getting bigger and bigger houses. This situation is different as there’s too many people in a 2 bed house, but this isn’t the first thread I’ve seen that demands a teenager has their own room. And someone always suggests a loft extension as if most people have that kind of money lying around

This can be a situation where both things are true - that the dc are struggling with change, and your dh needs parent more actively.

It isn't just a matter of having to share, something has clearly prompted them not being able to live with the parent they were previously resident with. That's a big deal, and I wonder if ss1's reaction is due to how angry or rejected he's feeling.

The situation isn't ideal and you are doing the best you can.

I'm not sure that the active parenting feeling is just punishments - it seems like your dh needs to spend more time with his ds and try to get to a point he can talk more about how he's feeling.

Sharings fine when appropriate, but not
when it’s a begrudged. “You weren’t taken into consideration when we chose this house”

Yes dads should have enough room for their children even if it’s EOW, but the reality is that council and housing associations won’t give you that and people on low incomes can’t afford an extra £1000 per month for an extra two bedrooms, for children who come 4 days a month. It’s fine if people have money but not everyone does. And the next argument is he shouldn’t have had more kids then, well yes but he did, it’s too late to change that now. They’re in the situation they’re in. They’re all going to have to make do until something else can be sorted. I think I just find it out of touch to just say get a bigger house or build a loft extension when we don’t know their financial reality

It was an option for all three boys when they came at weekends.
Why did you imagine that was sustainable?

Your oh needs to move out with his 3 kids until he can sort out a house big enough for you all and NOT MOVE BACK in together until he’s sorted his parenting or lack of out!! If SS gets involved your baby will be on their radar and that’s the last thing you want! Yoir
oh needs to go to the council for emergency accommodation for him and his kids and say he’s got no choice but to move out - Don’t give him a choice!!