Am I being unfair expecting OH to actually parent his eldest?

[SecondTimeLucky0]

Hi all. Posting because I genuinely don’t know if I’m expecting too much anymore or if this is just how blended families are and I need to get over myself a bit.

We live in a 2 bed terrace and up until recently my stepsons were only here every other weekend plus bits of school holidays. They’re 14, 10 and 7 and me and OH also have a 14 month old together.

Before anyone says it yes I know the house is small but it worked fine before because the older boys mostly camped out in the living room when they stayed.

Things changed with their mum and they’re now here full time. I’ve actually tried really hard to make it work. We moved DS into our room which honestly hasn’t been ideal because he still wakes in the night sometimes, and we decorated the second bedroom properly for the boys with bunkbeds/storage/new bedding etc so it actually felt like their room not just somewhere they dumped bags every other weekend.

The issue is the eldest.

He absolutely hates sharing and makes everyone miserable constantly. He shouts at the younger two for touching “his” stuff, pushes them about, swears at them and at me if I say anything and OH either says nothing or tells me he’s “struggling with the change”.

I do understand it’s a big adjustment but there seems to be no line at all. Last week he shoved the 10yo hard enough that he hit the doorframe because apparently he’d sat on the wrong side of the room. Yesterday he launched his phone at the wall during an argument with OH because he was told to put washing away and smashed the screen. OH then paid to get it repaired because “otherwise he won’t have a phone for school”.

I nearly lost my mind honestly.

The younger boys are starting to look nervous around him and my 7yo SS cried at bedtime because the eldest had threatened to “make his life hell” if he touched his charger again.

OH says I’m expecting too much too soon and that his eldest is angry/confused and needs support not punishment. I’m not asking him to be marched off to military school, I just think there should actually be consequences when he’s hurting people or smashing things?

I’m also getting fed up of feeling like me and the little ones are the ones constantly compromising while he gets accommodated because he kicks off the loudest.

AIBU to think this can’t just carry on indefinitely?

Or he could rent somewhere big enough for all of them?
What’s to stop this grown man and father of four sorting his own life out?

This isn’t an overcrowded house though, social services are not going to be interested as long as the children are well cared for. No need to scaremonger

Do you have a drive. Get old caravan, make it nice, put in a porta potti - perfect for teen.

i know a few who have done this.

Maybe op and oh should sleep outside with a chemical toilet?
wonder school response to a 14 who was sent to sleep outside without proper facilities?

Its not a sweeping statement . Why should her biological child be around that? She needs to act ,whether thats moving out, him moving out with his children he can't be arsed with or whatever other solution she sees fit . She needs to put her child now above everything. Because the 14 year old won't just stop this behaviour, it will get much worse before it gets better, if at all

How? she can’t kick him out. As she’s got no legal basis to do that. She can leave but her DP is still going to have parental responsibility for her DS, and no one is going to stop him seeing her DS just because the 14 year old is fighting with his other siblings. So he will still be around them, just without OP there. And let’s not ignore that she would also be making herself homeless. If they can’t afford somewhere bigger between them, where she going to go? The council? They might provide temporary accommodation. She can live in a hotel room with her DS for a few years while she waits for a council property? So it’s not just a case of her ‘just’ doing anything, when the options are potentially worse, depending on her finances. Or she can work with her DP to manage the shit situation

It's not your fault but why did your OH have 4 kids? He's obviously a crap provider. Can you and little one move out?

Why are you and your DP not on a sofabed??

It’s her fault as much as her partners. She chose him to be the father of her kid knowing he had 3 other kids.

It wasn't appropriate when the step children were only visiting EOW either though. How did you get in a situation to live with a man who wasn't housing his children appropriately on access visits and then why add another child to the mix. This is not the step children's fault, its the feckless adults.

Not sure why you quoted me when I already acknowledged both points but ok... Yes a higher standard because yelling at, swearing at and pushing younger siblings into doorframes is unacceptable behavior regardless of how many bedrooms you have in your home. He needs to treat his siblings with respect and not swear at or shove people. I also said that the room situation was far less than ideal, and he needs support because he's been put in a very unfair situation by the adults, and if he gets the care and support he needs then hopefully he won't feel so bad that he acts out so horribly towards his siblings.

Op I’m older and came from a modest
upbringing. We had 3 kids and 2 adults in 3
bedrooms. I shared a room and later by choice as we got older a bed with my sis. 3 was a common # of dc and 3 families had 7/8 kids and they slept everywhere depending on the sex distribution. 4 boys in a loft at the W family. 4 girls in a loft at the G family. The H family had boys in the basement. No one thought anything of it. No one including us kids. DP always had their own room. Many of these houses (including ours) had one bathroom and no air conditioning. And these lofts were not “remodeled” they were beds and a table and clothes. This was very normal. So I say with great understanding….

while I do think siblings can share pretty
small rooms it’s not working for your blended family.

You and DH give your room to eldest DS. If you feel safe put the baby in there with cot. He’s not homicidal is he? A baby won’t touch anything and realistically a 14y.o won’t wake with a baby. He will sleep thru. Of course only if you think it’s safe.

You and DH sleep in main floor room. Don’t say it’s not possible becuse it is. It’s a room and you can buy a sleeper couch or even put a bed there. It’s not pretty it’s not home decor but it’s workable.

the pod idea outside is interesting even as a get away for boys.

what about DGP? Any chance someone could live with DGP?

Don’t ignore his (not meaning to be dramatic) cry for help. He’s acting out and
needs adult intervention.

The council are unlikely to rehouse you because of a problem like this- the fact it wouldn't be allowed if you were adopting is irrelevant- if your housing is inadequate for your family, unless you are destitute, it's up to you to do something about it.

Your DH needs to stop fathering children he cannot provide for. Meanwhile, you need to find a bigger house one way or another. Those boys are living and sleeping in one room like a prison cell. I’m not excusing the eldest’s behaviour but I do understand where it’s coming from. I think anyone would be lashing out in those circumstances nevermind a 14yr old!

His father really needs to nip this in the bud. It’s not acceptable and will escalate

Are both bedrooms the same size? Are your step-children all in the largest of the bedrooms? Is there anyway that you could divide the room?

All your step-children are probably feeling fragile. Having lived with both parents, then just Mum and now permanently with Dad. They are also having to deal with the fact their Dad has another child with you too. It must be very hard for all of them but especially the eldest as he will understand more.

Yes, your eldest step-son is hurting but terrorising his siblings, shouting, throwing items and being disrespectful to you/his Dad, is not acceptable behaviour. Your husband should be parenting his son, and not making excuses.

What your SS will be screaming for is compassion and routine. Not being left to get away with murder.

we had similar when SS moved here. Something we’d never had to do before was “set routines” as such so that was a work in progress immediately. Work with him! Both of you sit him down and explain how much you understand it’s not ideal but this is what it is so here’s what we’ll discuss and decide together… when it’s not stuck to then you discipline (even tell him what will happen if X happens or Y happens) and yes you have to stick to discipline so your hubby needs to get on board asap too!

Your 14 years old may has gone through a lot but the same applies to the 2 youngest and the 14 years old should not be allowed to terrorise the youngest, if he needs counselling hopefully it can be arranged. Your DP should parent all his children and just not prioritise the eldest.
If you can afford a pod for the eldest would be a good idea.

My own 14 year old is incredibly difficult at the moment and he hasn't had the upheaval dss has
Could you all agree on rules? I wont have threatening behavioural or violence and consequences are phone removal or computer time limited.

Sending you hugs op

Whats happened with their mum's house? Presumably they fitted into it? If she's expecting you to house them maybe she should let you have her house? What would have happened if you'd said no? Do those boys have grandparents Dad could live at with them? Are you married? Is it your house or shared? Maybe you could force an end to this intolerable situation by splitting up with your partner and turfing him and his kids out? I can't understand why Dad is being so lenient on the older one, its not like those weekend Dads you hear about on here who give in to their kids out of fear they'll stop visiting. It shouldn't be on you to solve this but you might have to give your oh an ultimatum. Its his responsibility to house those 3 boys adequately. I'd honestly consider moving out to my own mum's with the baby, in your shoes, unless its your own house. Basically something firm to force the situation.

Sounds like hell op

This situation sounds very difficult for everyone OP. Firstly, it’s lovely you’ve taken the boys in without question and are trying your best to make it work.
In answer to your question you are definitely NBU to expect your DH to step up and actually parent all of his offspring.
Every time his eldest acts up he is allowing the rest of the household to suffer; the other two are also trying to deal with the huge change.
A 14 year old needs lots of love, guidance and boundaries but your DH is ducking out of the hard stuff to the detriment of everyone.
I think you need to make this clear to DH, no-one is saying harsh punishments are required, as I agree these do not work, but the unacceptable behaviour needs to stop. DH needs to be consistent and to look out for everyone’s wellbeing not just the eldest. Hold firm on this OP and don’t be fobbed off.

This is harsh but the reality is there isn't enough space for the children your OH has.

Teen years are challenging and your OH is correct that the housing situation plus moving away from his mum is the underlying cause.

Your OH needs to fix the situation asap. Advise the school and seek any counselling available. Communicate to the boys that you know it's far from ideal, you understand the anger and promise that they are a priority and it will be fixed.

i mean you are with someone who has 3 children but you chose to get a 2 bed ,,. That doesn’t make sense, even if you thought he would just be a EOW dad it’s still not enough space. And then you bought another child into the mix. And now you’re annoyed with a teen who has no privacy and has had a huge change in circumstances. None of this is his fault.

How recent is the adjustment and how traumatic are the circumstances that have forced the change? Has it involved the 14 year old changing schools if you don't live locally? What support are all the boys, particularly the eldest, getting from school or other organisations? Have they witnessed chaotic behaviour?
Whatever has happened, the 14 year old went through the break up of his parents' relationship, his dad starting a new family and bringing a baby sibling into the equation while only seeing dad EOW and then a sudden move from living with his mum FT to now with his dad and dad's partner and baby in a very overcrowded house.
Yes his dad needs to step up and parent all of his kids. This means support as well as boundaries. If he's refusing to engage and trying to take the "easy" path he's showing himself to be a lazy dad.