AIBU to be angry after SIL accused me of disordered eating?

[PerfomativeDisordered]

In the Easter holidays we went away with SIL and her family. The dc get on well and we thought it might be nice for them to spend more time together. Up till now we always got on with SIL and her DP.

The plan was to go away again in the summer. However SIL spoke to DH yesterday and they’ve cancelled coming with us. Apparently my behaviour at Easter was not something they can ‘put up with or expose their teenage daughters to’

They accused me of

1. having disordered and performative eating habits and possibly an eating disorder and don’t think I should be around their girls as it’s not setting a good example. That I was affecting her as well as I made her feel stressed about food the way I ate and the quantities and how 3 cooked meals a day is gluttony yet I’m too thin so she felt huge anxiety?

2)that I’m cruel to animals as we wouldn’t allow their dog into our room in the accommodation which meant they had to get up to distract him. Apparently he loves dh and wanted cuddles and me preventing that made them feel anxious as that’s not a normal response ? I love animals I just didn’t want a dog in our bed ! Every evening and early morning he was whining and scratching and this ruined their relaxing.

Back to the eating. I eat totally normally! SIL had put the idea to dh that I must have crash dieted before the holiday , overeaten in a performative way during then accused me of ‘probably starving herself’ when home apparently to make her feel bad.
I eat very healthily and normally. Never had any kind of eating disorder and I’m a normal size (8-10 no idea what I weigh as I don’t have scales as never needed any)
a typical days eating for me is pretty standard I think:
I have eggs on toast and a smoothie for breakfast. Snack on fruit or nuts mid morning. I love lattes. Have 2-3 a day.
I love to cook so for lunches I make things like pasta salads, chicken and salmon with rice and avocado. Sometimes frittata or quiche.
Dinners I’ll have anything but it’s the biggest meal and things like curries , bolognese and garlic bread. When we were away I made a dark
choc and raspberry torte and SIL kept saying ‘well of course I can’t have dessert’ and seemed annoyed when I had 2 slices. I snack in the evening and had popcorn one night and a glass of wine and crackers and cheese another night. She said I overeat so I must be cutting back at other times to overeat around them and her daughters will see me and the amount I eat and ‘it doesn’t add up’

She doesn’t want someone ‘unstable who won’t admit there’s a problem’ around impressionable teens and it’s apparently very concerning that I dislike animals that’s a red flag apparently.

DH told her this is all ridiculous he’s known me for a long long time he knows I have zero issues that she is suggesting. I’m confused too as she’s known me a long time I’ve always been the same size ???

AIBU to be really angry at these accusations. We also have teen dds as well as younger ds. She was insinuating that im a risk to them as well and telling dh that?!

So, I’m shorter and a bigger clothes size than you (maybe like SIL?) and I can relate to not always being able to have dessert or whatever, but I’m old enough to understand that taller women need more calories, people have different metabolisms, people have different activity levels through the week etc.

Her teenagers should also understand this. You don’t form your eating habits based on what someone else in your life eats or we’d all be getting too much/not enough for us personally.

In other words this is all her problem. How horrible for you and your DH. And the weird stuff about the dog. Sounds like maybe just an excuse because she’s jealous and weird? Could her partner have made noises about how great you look despite eating so much and she just saw red?

This is really funny because I've had two SILs (well, first was long term bf's sister, second husband's sister). SIL 1 was obsessed with the idea I was cruel to her dog, because I didn't let him sit on me or come in the room I was sleeping in, because I'm highly allergic to dogs. SIL 2 spread rumours that I had an eating disorder over a number of years, including pointing to one time that I was sick after eating, even though she knew I was pregnant and suffering with morning sickness. They are obviously SIL things to get worked up about.

I'm sorry you got both those types of cray cray rolled into one SIL, it was hard enough dealing with them one at a time.

I'd be quite happy of the excuse never to holiday with them again. 😂

Completely mad. Most people wouldn’t like a dog in their bedroom. Deciding you’ve got an eating disorder is really unreasonable given what you’ve described. I was really expecting your post to go ‘my SIl accused me of an ED- but I ate 8 grapes and a poached egg every day so there’s clearly nothing wrong’. I wasn’t expecting you to say ‘but I ate 3 meals plus snacks and puddings’. Maybe she thinks you’re throwing it all up but that is a pretty hefty reach.

OK yes she’s nuts. I thought you were going to say you only eat once a day or made a big deal about meal time. I have to say I couldn’t eat that and stay a size 8-10 but I wouldn’t say it was disordered, setting a bad example or anything really! For all I know you may do loads of exercise too.

Did DH usually get along with his sister? What does he think…unusual behaviour from her or par for the course?

Projection if I've ever seen it 😮‍💨

Ah! That makes sense - she’s always assumed that you have the slim figure you have because you restrict your eating.

So she can’t square what she saw in reality and she’s jealous - which to feel better about herself she’s turned into you must be lying and purging later or something.

The dog thing is weird! Most people wouldn’t want someone else’s dog in their bedroom.

I think the poster who said is she on weight loss jabs that suppress her appetite has hit the nail on the head. SIL has lost sight of what ‘normal’ eating is.

Lucky escape I’d say!!

SIL sounds horrible! Not just bonkers (obviously), but shockingly rude and domineering. She should be ashamed.

There are a lot of people who stay size 8 eating plenty (until health events hit, I was one of them!) and as long as they don't suggest that it's easy to be thin and anyone over a size 12 is a pig, there's no issue with that. Unless they're struggling for money, and worry their kids will expect a lot more spent on food? But saying what she said wasn't ok.
With the dog, you should have discussed it before they came. Your house, your rules, but you should have given them a heads up.

Your SIL sounds like a very unhappy person, which is quite sad.
She’s projecting her feelings onto you for some reason. Her dog is her dog and not your responsibility to entertain at nighttime or in your bed.
I’d be extremely offended if I was you or your husband, plus I’d point out to her that being obsessed with someone else’s eating habits is just weird! What a weirdo she is!!

someones progecting their own feelings i think

as for the dog since when can you rent somewhere for a holiday and they let you take the dog in bdrooms and climb over the bed

Good grief. Your sil doesn’t sound like a very happy person. She’s tried and failed to make you sound like some sort of Cruella de Ville with a performative eating disorder. She’s also managed to fall out with your husband and made you angry. I think she’s got a lot of problems and it’s not worth getting involved.

There will be no dogs ever in my bedroom and anyone who has a problem with that can take their dog and fuck off. Your sil has so many issues!! It was probably good for her kids to see other normal healthy adults cook and eat food though. I love dessert :)

Whats the betting she's caught her hubby giving your figure the eyes while you're in your swimming gear/nightclothes?
She's sooooo definitely jealous!

One of my friends is similar to you - tall, size 10 ish, lovely athletic figure, does loads of exercise as she enjoys it. She eats more than I could but it's mostly healthy food though she enjoys chocolate and dessert in moderation.

She went on holiday with a friend and friend's mum. The friend's mum didn't eat any lunch whereas my friend ate 3 (healthy) meals per day and snacked on fruit. The friend's mum kept on making comments: 'Ooh are you eating again / You've only just eaten / How can you be hungry etc. Spoiled the holiday a bit for my friend.

People have odd attitudes to other people's eating. Your sil has not only drawn crazy conclusions but also been very rude and cruel to you about it.

Dog thing is mad too. I also like dogs but would not want one on my bed.

I did have that quote in my head as I was reading the OP (and grumpily thinking yeah that used to be me, wait till you hit your mid-40s)😆

Also, describing things you personally disagree with as "red flags" is also annoying.

If they had seen you secretly kicking the dog, that might be a red flag. Not wanting the dog on your bed is in no way a red flag.

YANBU. Your SIL clearly has severe problems, so it sounds like a lucky escape re no longer having to spend the summer holiday with them.

That is quite a lot of food for one day! I’m overweight but don’t eat anywhere near that amount

She is exceptionally jealous that you can eat the way that you do and still remain a size 8-10. I’ll be honest, so am I. I am a size 10 and in order to remain that way I have to eat around half of that, walk 15,000 steps a day and do cardio 3-4 times a week. I am only mentioning that because I can see why she MIGHT find it difficult to understand. However, it is absolutely nothing to do with her either way! Even if you had starved yourself to go it still wouldn’t be her business unless you glamourised that to her children. And it’s okay to be envious but it’s not okay to shame anyone! I doubt very much that the teenagers would think a single thing about how much you eat unless she brought it up. At the very most what she could have said is something along the lines of ‘isn’t Aunty X so lucky that she can eat all those delicious and nutritious foods and stay such a healthy weight?’ If she really wanted to explain that not everyone can.

The thing about the dog is weird, our dog whines like that while we’re away and I am super self conscious if anyone is with us as it’s not fair so I can see why it crying might have been annoying. It might have been better to let it in your room or just not take it in hindsight.

All in all, be glad she doesn’t want to come next time.

Are you tall and active and on holiday?

What is? Other than ‘eggs’ (plural), ‘2-3 lattes’ and ‘a glass of wine’ OP made no reference to the quantities of anything. And as she’s a ?12? (I forgot what she said) it’s obviously not ‘a lot’ at all. It also doesn’t matter what other people eat. They are not OP and they do not live OPs life.

Your diet seems absolutely standard to me