AIBU to be angry after SIL accused me of disordered eating?

[PerfomativeDisordered]

In the Easter holidays we went away with SIL and her family. The dc get on well and we thought it might be nice for them to spend more time together. Up till now we always got on with SIL and her DP.

The plan was to go away again in the summer. However SIL spoke to DH yesterday and they’ve cancelled coming with us. Apparently my behaviour at Easter was not something they can ‘put up with or expose their teenage daughters to’

They accused me of

1. having disordered and performative eating habits and possibly an eating disorder and don’t think I should be around their girls as it’s not setting a good example. That I was affecting her as well as I made her feel stressed about food the way I ate and the quantities and how 3 cooked meals a day is gluttony yet I’m too thin so she felt huge anxiety?

2)that I’m cruel to animals as we wouldn’t allow their dog into our room in the accommodation which meant they had to get up to distract him. Apparently he loves dh and wanted cuddles and me preventing that made them feel anxious as that’s not a normal response ? I love animals I just didn’t want a dog in our bed ! Every evening and early morning he was whining and scratching and this ruined their relaxing.

Back to the eating. I eat totally normally! SIL had put the idea to dh that I must have crash dieted before the holiday , overeaten in a performative way during then accused me of ‘probably starving herself’ when home apparently to make her feel bad.
I eat very healthily and normally. Never had any kind of eating disorder and I’m a normal size (8-10 no idea what I weigh as I don’t have scales as never needed any)
a typical days eating for me is pretty standard I think:
I have eggs on toast and a smoothie for breakfast. Snack on fruit or nuts mid morning. I love lattes. Have 2-3 a day.
I love to cook so for lunches I make things like pasta salads, chicken and salmon with rice and avocado. Sometimes frittata or quiche.
Dinners I’ll have anything but it’s the biggest meal and things like curries , bolognese and garlic bread. When we were away I made a dark
choc and raspberry torte and SIL kept saying ‘well of course I can’t have dessert’ and seemed annoyed when I had 2 slices. I snack in the evening and had popcorn one night and a glass of wine and crackers and cheese another night. She said I overeat so I must be cutting back at other times to overeat around them and her daughters will see me and the amount I eat and ‘it doesn’t add up’

She doesn’t want someone ‘unstable who won’t admit there’s a problem’ around impressionable teens and it’s apparently very concerning that I dislike animals that’s a red flag apparently.

DH told her this is all ridiculous he’s known me for a long long time he knows I have zero issues that she is suggesting. I’m confused too as she’s known me a long time I’ve always been the same size ???

AIBU to be really angry at these accusations. We also have teen dds as well as younger ds. She was insinuating that im a risk to them as well and telling dh that?!

She sounds batshit

You cannot be offended by an insane person!

So basically she’s jealous as you can eat what you like without putting on weight, and she can’t?

Ewwww I wouldn’t let someone’s else dog on my bed either - neither would I allow my dog on someone’s bed - that’s called being a bad owner.

Food - I’m jealous and can only assume she is too … best part is your DH sounds like a good one as he defended and backed you up

If you do still want to get away for the kids to spend time together you could consider getting two small adjacent holiday cottages?

The dog might be calmer and no issues about trying to get into your room. Breakfasts etc would be separate too.

You may not wish to of course, but just an option. We used often do this when holidaying with BIL and SIL and kids, mainly because it was hard to get a house large enough for all and also because one of the kids has asd and does better with their own space and a quieter environment.

They wanted you to be unpaid dog sitters. Their dog, their problem.

You wouldn't entertain her "furbaby" and you ate 3 meals a day plus dessert and she came up with all that. I'd be delighted not to be around her she sounds unhinged.

So she's jealous that "you can eat what you want, drink what you want, and still fit into your 26" waist trousers"!

"They apparently like a lie in and don’t have breakfast but I was up as always have it and maybe the cooking smell annoyed her ? Then they had to get up for the dog as I think he was a bit hyper due to different place and people?"

I think this is the nub of it. They were hoping to have a lie in. You were up early, and cooking breakfast. People and food smells coming from the kitchen. The dog therefore wanted to be up too, to be let out, and be fed its breakfast (or cadge some of yours).

They were irritated because you "spoiled" their lie-ins. And you weren't indulging the dog sufficiently by letting it on your bed (I wonder what the accommodation owner would have thought of that?)

As a dog owner, it's absolutely tough. No lie-ins are what you sign up for when you get a dog.
YANBU

She's paying a lot of attention to what you're doing. That's not relaxing. Sounds like she's jealous you can eat what you want and stay slim. How the hell does she expect to have a relationship with you after saying that. She sounds messed up.

I'd take that as a gift, OP. No way would I want to spend my precious holiday time with someone who dissected me so critically and to such a ridiculous extent. This is not a normal response. Her laundry list of the intricate detail of your behaviour - real and imagined - sounds bordering on obsessive. This isn't healthy, and is really distasteful to read.

I also agree with you - in defiance of the more neurotic dog-lovers on MN - that having dogs on beds is grim. This would be a line in the sand for me as well.

Be free, and book your own holiday away from this nefarious, excessive scrutiny. You'll never be able to relax around her now. In any case this woman seems one of those people best kept at several arms' lengths.

It's better that you know.

Wouldn't they just say that then? instead of SIL coming up with a load of stuff to throw at the OP which makes SIL sound unhinged?

LOL im actually fuming, you can eat all that and remain slim! But... shes mental.
Honestly mental. She sounds like tbe one with disordered eating

I don’t think the owners of the property would be too thrilled at the dog being in the beds!!!!

She sounds unhinged. YANBU

It sounds like she has some issues of her own. Maybe her own metabolism can't handle that much food without adding on the pounds, and she resents it. Whatever's going on, she's a little kooky, so I'd try not to take it personally. If she's weird, she's just weird. Nothing to do you with, specifically. Just be prepared for more weirdness from her in the future and avoid her as much as possible. Not much else you can do, really, because there's no way to convince a crazy person they're crazy.

I think you have had a lucky escape.

I used to be able to eat what you do and not put on weight, but now I'm postmenopausal I can't eat that much. Your meals are large (to me) and I wouldn't feel the need to snack with all that food, but that is just me.

As for the dog, there is no way I would want a dog in the bedroom.

Just reply “Okay” and ignore the lunatic. That’s what my teens do if they want to dismiss someone’s (usually mine!) message 😂
She sounds like she’s got a whole host of insecurities you'd be better off not exposing your own kids too!

You dodged a bullet, she sounds like she's just looking for excuses to not go on holidays with you , either that or she's struggling with her weight and seeing you eat normally and not struggling got to her. I wouldn't want someone else's dog in my bed either . Strange behaviour

Don’t go on holiday with friends or family ever! Ever!

I’ve come to the conclusion that staying with friends anywhere causes issues. Meet friends for drinks, have them over for dinner, but any prolonged time away with anyone apart from immediate family will highlight weird differences.

What and that makes her crazy or something, what an odd question,

She's proper bonkers OP with food issues.

Lucky escape for you and DH!

Sounds like jealousy I’m afraid.

I would be grateful that I do not ever have to holiday with her ever again.

And please never invite them around for a meal ever again. After all, it wouldn’t be fair to expose her and her daughters to your ‘disordered’ eating 🙄

It sounds like she has an eating disorder which is projecting on to you.

How bizarre. I don't allow other people's dogs into my bedroom and our own dog isn't allowed on the bed. Three meals a day is perfectly normal, and her own brother is telling her that's how you eat. Different people can eat different amounts, that's just a fact of life. One of my best lifelong friends has always been a size 8 and has to eat a lot more than me, she just burns it off.

I think she’s actually talking about herself, her own behaviour around food and her own thoughts about animals. It’s nothing to do with you and what you did. You can’t argue with it as it’s not reasonable and she doesn’t sound like she’s willing to back down.

So, I’d just accept that you will need to back off from spending time with them. It’s a shame for the cousins but that’s not on you.