AIBU to be angry after SIL accused me of disordered eating?

[PerfomativeDisordered]

In the Easter holidays we went away with SIL and her family. The dc get on well and we thought it might be nice for them to spend more time together. Up till now we always got on with SIL and her DP.

The plan was to go away again in the summer. However SIL spoke to DH yesterday and they’ve cancelled coming with us. Apparently my behaviour at Easter was not something they can ‘put up with or expose their teenage daughters to’

They accused me of

1. having disordered and performative eating habits and possibly an eating disorder and don’t think I should be around their girls as it’s not setting a good example. That I was affecting her as well as I made her feel stressed about food the way I ate and the quantities and how 3 cooked meals a day is gluttony yet I’m too thin so she felt huge anxiety?

2)that I’m cruel to animals as we wouldn’t allow their dog into our room in the accommodation which meant they had to get up to distract him. Apparently he loves dh and wanted cuddles and me preventing that made them feel anxious as that’s not a normal response ? I love animals I just didn’t want a dog in our bed ! Every evening and early morning he was whining and scratching and this ruined their relaxing.

Back to the eating. I eat totally normally! SIL had put the idea to dh that I must have crash dieted before the holiday , overeaten in a performative way during then accused me of ‘probably starving herself’ when home apparently to make her feel bad.
I eat very healthily and normally. Never had any kind of eating disorder and I’m a normal size (8-10 no idea what I weigh as I don’t have scales as never needed any)
a typical days eating for me is pretty standard I think:
I have eggs on toast and a smoothie for breakfast. Snack on fruit or nuts mid morning. I love lattes. Have 2-3 a day.
I love to cook so for lunches I make things like pasta salads, chicken and salmon with rice and avocado. Sometimes frittata or quiche.
Dinners I’ll have anything but it’s the biggest meal and things like curries , bolognese and garlic bread. When we were away I made a dark
choc and raspberry torte and SIL kept saying ‘well of course I can’t have dessert’ and seemed annoyed when I had 2 slices. I snack in the evening and had popcorn one night and a glass of wine and crackers and cheese another night. She said I overeat so I must be cutting back at other times to overeat around them and her daughters will see me and the amount I eat and ‘it doesn’t add up’

She doesn’t want someone ‘unstable who won’t admit there’s a problem’ around impressionable teens and it’s apparently very concerning that I dislike animals that’s a red flag apparently.

DH told her this is all ridiculous he’s known me for a long long time he knows I have zero issues that she is suggesting. I’m confused too as she’s known me a long time I’ve always been the same size ???

AIBU to be really angry at these accusations. We also have teen dds as well as younger ds. She was insinuating that im a risk to them as well and telling dh that?!

Clearly, for some undefined reason you have made up fantasies about me because l make you feel anxious.
As no one else has issues with my relationship to food, or animals l think you are being unreasonable, and
l therefore think you are right and that it's best we don't see each other again.

👀

Your SiL is clearly struggling with food/weight issues, and by eating (quite heartily!) you have triggered her.
Some people can only cope with their own issues around food and weight if they are surrounded by people who eat and look a certain way. Prior to the holiday she maybe assumed you ate a very restricted diet to remain slim and the percieved unfairness that you don't has upset her.
It's a shame, but there's nothing you can do about it. I lost a friendship with someone who didnt like that i didnt eat enough. She accused me of having an unhealthy attitude to food because of my smaller portions. So sometimes, if a person has such strong issues, you cant win.
She has decided to distance and is making this, and your perfectly reasonable boundaries for the dog, her justification.

Your eating sounds normal unless you’re having two mouthfuls, declaring you’re full and pushing the food away 🤷

the dog - they can do one. We have a dog - he isn’t allowed in the bedroom let alone the bed - totally reasonable to me

SIL sounds unhinged! What does BIL think? I would probably put weight on eating what you eat but I dont have a great metabolism, but your food sounds wonderful and id be more than happy to eat it . It sounds like you have good metabolism and that SIL is jealous of that. You've also probably shamed her with your home cooked food!

How very odd!!!

I think your SIL is manifesting her issue with food onto you. Everyone's metabolism works different. I look at a piece of cake and gain weight, where as my friends gets away with it. But I wouldn't dream of commenting on it.

Also my dogs sleep on my bed, but I wouldn't dream of expecting other people to let them on theirs. Think you have had a lucky escape

Either she’s jealous that you can eat as you like and stay slim, whereas she cannot … or you have written this to make her sound that way.

Take it she's over weight

I wouldn’t want someone else’s dog in my bed either even though I love dogs. It sounds like you’re eating really well and it’s perfectly normal in many European countries to have a proper meal at lunchtime, not to inhale a quick cheese sandwich or a sausage roll and then go about your day! She sounds quite immature. Try not to take it personally and see how things pan out.

She's jealous that she has to be more careful with food & her dog likes you better than her. I'd leave her behind & take the dog on holiday😂

She’s messed up, mangled & bat brained.

Just get your husband to deal with it. He needs to say that based on her behaviour and comments you are both going to distance yourself too.

SIL sounds bonkers

I’m not even thin (not overweight either, just average), and my MIL and SIL go on about my weight and what I eat and the exercise I do every time I see them. It’s very tiresome.
i can only guess it’s because they don’t do any exercise. I ignored it for years but finally cracked and told them that I thought it was weird how they were so obsessed with me. They both denied it but neither of them have made such comments since.

I feel for you, it’s very tiresome ( and that’s not even considering the accusations they’ve made about you and you supposedly being a bad influence).

You've had the lucky escape. She's got the problem.

I don’t even let my own dogs upstairs into the bedroom so I certainly wouldn’t want someone else’s foisted upon me when I’m sleeping in either!
If you’ve always been the same size and I’m assuming you’ve eaten around them before then there has to be a different issue and they’ve just latched onto the two they mentioned because it all sounds odd!
Just breathe a sigh of relief that you don’t have to go away with them anymore if they genuinely feel that way.

I agree.

However, were you self catering and insisting on cooking three times a day? That is odd.

She was probably put out that you getting up to eat breakfast disturbed the dog and their lie in. I‘d be realising that your routine and hers are not compatible and just get through the holiday but decline a future combined holiday unless it was in two separate houses.

She sounds absolutely batshit, I can't even get my head around why someone would go on like that?!
I would tell her to feck orf!

Well you do eat far more than me and I'm a 14-16! But I do know that some people just can eat this amount and it's normal for them. She's bat shit, you're lucky and I'm jealous!
You are totally not wrong on the dog front.

Why the fuck does she need to do that.

My guess is she’s jealous and can’t fathom how you’re still so slim. Going through the menopause perhaps. Actually feeling down on herself and projecting onto you. I’d actually go as far to talk to her separately and see if she’s OK. That’s not normal behaviour, is it? Think of it like this you’d speak to her if she were your sister.

Definitely unhinged, op. Her, not you! I’d be suggesting to her that you don’t want someone so unstable around your dc.

You are tall, you eat healthy the majority of the time and you use weights, that's why you are a consistent weight! Using weights is one of the best forms of activities to burn fat and add muscle.

Essentially your SIL doesn't understand how you can maintain your weight, because to her you are eating good sized portions, so therefore you must be starving yourself to do so. Yes, if you eat large portions, and didn't exercise, you would be bigger. You use weights though, so you maintain your weight, even though you might eat a bigger portion!

100% this!