AIBU to be angry after SIL accused me of disordered eating?

[PerfomativeDisordered]

In the Easter holidays we went away with SIL and her family. The dc get on well and we thought it might be nice for them to spend more time together. Up till now we always got on with SIL and her DP.

The plan was to go away again in the summer. However SIL spoke to DH yesterday and they’ve cancelled coming with us. Apparently my behaviour at Easter was not something they can ‘put up with or expose their teenage daughters to’

They accused me of

1. having disordered and performative eating habits and possibly an eating disorder and don’t think I should be around their girls as it’s not setting a good example. That I was affecting her as well as I made her feel stressed about food the way I ate and the quantities and how 3 cooked meals a day is gluttony yet I’m too thin so she felt huge anxiety?

2)that I’m cruel to animals as we wouldn’t allow their dog into our room in the accommodation which meant they had to get up to distract him. Apparently he loves dh and wanted cuddles and me preventing that made them feel anxious as that’s not a normal response ? I love animals I just didn’t want a dog in our bed ! Every evening and early morning he was whining and scratching and this ruined their relaxing.

Back to the eating. I eat totally normally! SIL had put the idea to dh that I must have crash dieted before the holiday , overeaten in a performative way during then accused me of ‘probably starving herself’ when home apparently to make her feel bad.
I eat very healthily and normally. Never had any kind of eating disorder and I’m a normal size (8-10 no idea what I weigh as I don’t have scales as never needed any)
a typical days eating for me is pretty standard I think:
I have eggs on toast and a smoothie for breakfast. Snack on fruit or nuts mid morning. I love lattes. Have 2-3 a day.
I love to cook so for lunches I make things like pasta salads, chicken and salmon with rice and avocado. Sometimes frittata or quiche.
Dinners I’ll have anything but it’s the biggest meal and things like curries , bolognese and garlic bread. When we were away I made a dark
choc and raspberry torte and SIL kept saying ‘well of course I can’t have dessert’ and seemed annoyed when I had 2 slices. I snack in the evening and had popcorn one night and a glass of wine and crackers and cheese another night. She said I overeat so I must be cutting back at other times to overeat around them and her daughters will see me and the amount I eat and ‘it doesn’t add up’

She doesn’t want someone ‘unstable who won’t admit there’s a problem’ around impressionable teens and it’s apparently very concerning that I dislike animals that’s a red flag apparently.

DH told her this is all ridiculous he’s known me for a long long time he knows I have zero issues that she is suggesting. I’m confused too as she’s known me a long time I’ve always been the same size ???

AIBU to be really angry at these accusations. We also have teen dds as well as younger ds. She was insinuating that im a risk to them as well and telling dh that?!

I don't think it sounds like you eat quite a lot (portion size depending), but agree that it's none of SiLs business whether you insert food non stop into every available orifice (ok, maybe that might be a bit much).

She sounds unhinged

YANBU OP - she has more issues than Vogue! Not your problem.

Yes. On what planet is it acceptable to berate someone for not allowing your dog to go into their bedroom? Seriously?!!

A bit bonkers and probably jealous you eat normally unlike her precious princess self.
The dog ... I wouldn't allow on my bed either. Not your dog. If she wants people to cuddle it she can have everyone bundle into her bed
She has issues . Not your issues ... Hers

She sounds like she is massively projecting and for that reason alone why on earth would you want to go away with her again? Leave her to her disordered eating and poor understanding of other people's boundaries.

That does sound like a lot of food to be a size 8. If i ate that i would definitely gain weight! However im just jealous. You must have a v.fast metabolism

Apparently dh had said he couldn’t wait to see the dog and spend time with him (which we did! In daylight hours! Even taking him for walks!) and there’s an assumption that I was jealous of the dog. There have been messages back and forth today (pretty much an argument till dh blocked her) saying that I deliberately wound him up being up and not allowing him in the room when dh said he loved him etc. it’s been more about the dog than the food really. When that was mentioned SIL reiterated that it ‘just doesn’t add up at all’ and she wants to safeguard her DDs from ED exposure and unrealistic expectations because what I eat isn’t reflected in my body type.

How feckin rude and I come from a family that don't hold back with their opinions...

I'm as fat af but don't even think about other people's food. Batshit.

Tell her to sod off and eat some cake !

@PerfomativeDisordered Honestly, I'd advise your DH to stop engaging in this pointless back and forth with his sister. They're not going to agree.

Well she can do one.
How odd - it's like she's nit picking because she doesn't like you for some reason and trying to make arguments. Why would you want to spend any time with her now?
I second that your husband shouldn't get sucked into any back and forths.

It’s your holiday and you don’t need this angst in your life.
You’ll have a better time without them.
ps but then I’d hate you if you can eat all that and still be a size 8 😂😂

Some people need more calories than others. It’s the way you’re made. She is batshit crazy bitter jealous.

Firstly your sl is weird . You do eat a lot but tbh prob healthier than me cos I don't eat 3 meals a day and couldn't eat 3 substantial meals like that a day as well as snacks but everyone is different so I'd your healthy and happy you do you . Your sil sounds like a judgy nutcase .

Good that DH has blocked her. There’s no reasoning with people like her. I agree, this is her finding fault with everything because she doesn’t like you and is jealous of your figure/metabolism. Liking a dog doesn’t mean your Dah wants it in his bedroom. Honestly, what planet is she on? And all her Dads are seeing is that their mother is batshit.
distance, distance, distance.

Also, you were on holiday! It's fairly well known that most people eat more on holiday than when at home and diets often get thrown out the window on holiday. I know you said it is what you normally eat but I just don't understand why she'd base her opinion on how much you eat on what you ate on holiday.

Your SIL sounds absolutely nuts!

She isnt entitled to an 'opinion' on how much OP eats, whether on holiday or not.

And neither is anyone else so away with your analysis of whether OP ate more or not. Its just another way of saying what other posters have said which is 'you do seem to eat a lot', which is none of their business and not a measure they need to be concerned with.

She’s really jealous and catty, lucky you not having to go on holiday with her, and I don’t see there being much coming back from any of this!

We haven’t been away with them before so i think we just thought we got along but only in small doses it seems !

Tbf, after all the tirades and untruths, I'd struggle with even small doses going forward.

I'm old and I've realised recently my Sil really doesn't like me. Now the penny has dropped, it's quite hard to work out what to do other than mostly avoid, which is easy as we don't have many family events and we live hours apart. Bit sad tho...

Your SIL is a real piece of work. Good on your DH for blocking her.

I agree..

Also. It's one thing for her to privately get the hump about you being able to eat what you want and stay slim, but the accusatory way she's phrased it... not a stable person, doesn't want you to be around her daughters indeed. Its so offensive.

And I also thought she wanted to have a lie in whilst you two looked after her dog - a great holiday addition for you!

two issues,which were unreasonable in the first place, but she's added to that by being offensive about it and putting all the blame on you.. .what about Dh, why couldn't he be blamed for not realising he should be looking after her dog ( by telepathy as surely neither of you knew it was because she wanted a lie in)

She is totally off her head.

Do not converse with her.

Sad that this will affect your holidays. Have a rethink.