To think DH is selfish for not helping a day before the hike

[Plasticflowerduck]

OK please tell me if I have a genuine grievance here or if its pms rage at play.

My DH does a long hike with friends every year. The event is on today. He's usually gone 6am -7pm between the hike and a few pints with friends afterwards.
It involves me and our kids getting up at 5am to drop him to the starting point as he wants to have a drink afterwards. Then the next day he's usually wrote off as he is stiff/tired/hungover. It's Kind of annoying but I don't usually mind it's once a year and he enjoys it.
However this year he has really annoyed me.
My DH was off all week including yday, but I was working all day 7 - 3pm yday. After DH did the school run he went to the gym but then just came home and went back to bed (he told me this). He had the car so could have went to shops/pharmacy to get the things he needed for the hike but instead he decided to go for a nap and ask me to stop at the shops on my way home instead. So I had a busy day in work, then collect twin DS (6) from school, drag them round the shops to get the things DH needed, then feed the kids before taking them back out for swimming lesspns. DH had emptied dishwasher cooked dinner and did some laundry but house was itherwise not tidied (not a huge mess but like curtains not fully opened, counters not wiped down, toys on floor etc.) So I had to do that after I got back. At that point I was wrecked and just wanted an hour to myself upstairs, DH had went for a bath while I was cleaning so when he came down I said to him to entertain the boys so I could get an hour to myself but instead he fell asleep on couch so the boys were up to me within 10 mins. I confronted DH but he said he can't help being tired then announced he was going to bed leaving me to do bedtime alone.
This morning when I got us all up at 5 he kind of apologised but it was like "sorry you didn't get a rest yday" no actually taking responsibility but I left it go (or pretended to because I didn't want to ruin the day for him). Today I have a full on day with 6 year olds who have been up since 5 so are in bad form and I know tomorrow DH will be useless so I'm j7st not going to get any break this weekend. I have no family support. I know single mums do this all the time so I shouldn't complain but just feel taken for granted.

I don't understand why you did all that stuff, especially going to the shops to buy the stuff he needs. The easiest way to make him get off his arse is you not being a doormat.

Yeah I know I kind of did it myself but he is ND so I know shops can be difficult for him so usually I don't mind doing it, if he helps me out when I need it but in this case he didnt

Well you seem to treat him like a child - so don’t be surprised when he acts like one !

So you’ll know for next time not to protect him from the consequences of his own laziness?

And tell him he needs to arrange a lift from one of the other hikers or get a taxi to his starting point. Absolutely no need for you and small children to get up at 5 am to drive him.

I'd have told him to get the things he needed at the shop before he picked the kids up from school.

They're 6, I'd have sent them to either play in their bedrooms or wake Daddy up when I was in the bath.

Stop being a martyr and doing everything for him.

Yes he's entitled to today. It was kind to give him a lift - he could leave his car there and collect tomorrow though not sure why you all had to get up

On Sunday do your normal day. If he's normally up and about and helping then expect this. Why would you give him a second day to rest when he's had a full week already?

Oh missed this drip feed when I was posting.

i think if he's ND & you'd usually go to the shops first him & he'd usually help you in other ways, you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

why couldn't he get a taxi to the train station?

It's once a year. How much help does one need on a Sunday morning with 2 six year olds???

You’re right that single parents look after their children by themselves, but your husband was acting like another child.

If he can’t go to the shops, then he should have ordered stuff online to be delivered - you can even get daily orders now.

He should have had a bath before you came home.

Unfortunately, you’re enabling him. He can cope with a long hike each year but can’t pop to the shops? He will know what he needs for his hike and should have planned for it.

I'm just amazed he was actually capable of going on a hike if after a week off work he needed so much rest and naps on the couch and gong to bed early etc etc before the planned outing.
He sounds as though there is something medically wrong or else he is down right lazy.

I struggle with shops myself so I can understand that but if he couldnt go to the shop himself he should have been doing other stuff to compensate and to take the work load off you.

I agree with pp that you need to raise your expectations of him and stop enabling him. It should be an equal partnership. A serious conversation needs to be had about how he behaved and a strategy agreed for going forward .

He’s lazy and self absorbed. Why is he dominating the entire weekend for everyone?! The “hike” spilled over into Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I would be letting him feel the natural consequence of his behaviour and zero chance of getting me up at 5am to drive home somewhere after that performance

Maybe not the point of the thread but why is he falling asleep all day he had a nap during the day, fell asleep on the sofa before/after dinner then went to bed at 8pm ish? How old is he?

Ah the ND card coming out when it suits him!

Don't play the game OP and things will be much easier.

I can promise you his ND will cope with the shops if you stop enabling hm.

You lost me when he asked you to go to the shops with the children after work, AND YOU DID. “No. Sorry, I can’t do that. And since you’re off, could you do the swimming trip this week please? And bedtime?”

When he gave a half-hearted apology this morning, the obvious response was, “ Don’t worry about it, I’m sure you’re well rested now. I am exhausted from work and doing everything while you rested though, and today will be the same. So I’ve booked a spa day/shopping day/ coffee morning/all-day outing for myself/with a friend tomorrow. I’m sure you won’t mind since you’re well recharged. Enjoy the hike!”

Yes, he’s lazy and ignorant. But you married him and have seen him behave like this. So have agency, stop enabling him and take back control of your own life and health.

I'd be spending the next week going "I'm so tired after supporting your hike" and scoffing "You just had the fun part, I had all the work" and asking him to take over because I am so tired.

The OP said the Sunday is written off due to being tired and hungover.

By lunchtime he'll have had a lie in and should participate in a normal Sunday with his two 6 year olds

Stop making excuses for him. ND is not a reason to get others to run after you, if he can sit in a pub for hours he can bloody well enter a shop. You are making your life difficult for yourself. He is a grown man so make him be one.

I'd book spa day for sunday and go and sleep on a lounger whilst he deals with the DC and the hangover.....

Go away next weekend and leave him at home to do it all .

Well said, I agree with all of this!

Couldn’t have put it better myself!

He can ask for whatever he wants, you can and should say no if it doesn’t work for you.

Sorry but this is in you he could of got the stuff from the shop himself and you should of woken him up at teatime I totally get people fall to sleep but walked him up he could of taken the kids to the shop with him

I get the impression you enable a lot of his behaviour and in all honesty why would I do something when someone else will do it for you

Why do you have to drop him off? Surely he can get a taxi or request a lift.

This feels like you are continually punching yourself in the arm and asking MN why you have bruises.

He sounds pathetic but you’re the one letting him get away with it so either accept this rubbish dynamic and stop fighting it or stop mothering him.