To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

Tell him you like to have a layin and late morning sex !

Overweight people are statistically more likely to survive illness than underweight people so check your prejudice

If your son has a regimented healthy lifestyle your son needs to learn the art of learning when is an appropriate time to discuss health and when not to. He has a set of beliefs like a fundamentalist religion pushing its cause daily and people turn away or avoid the person pushing their purpose. If he wants to change minds he needs to learn to understand backround, circumstances, experiences to understand how to change minds. He needs to understand motivators e.g. health conditions, stressful working hours ( like shift work) and the issues holding people back. Then he has better chance of change. He sounds ignorant of what it takes to spur all different types of people on. Empathy is lacking from him. A gentle walk around the park with his Dad can be a starter without the diatribe.

His phone never stops pinging. Cutting people out of his life for minor things like drinking coffee or watching TV. Trying to convert others. Sudden changes in behaviour. These are classic signs of being sucked in by a cult.

Sounds brainwashed :(

He may need mental health help and be showing signs of an impending breakdown or untreated illness.

You need to have a no morning visits rule and also let him know you need privacy for couple time/intimacy/quality time.

Why does he have a key? I have always been welcome to stay with my parents, but never had a key.

Op I think it is possible for young men who become addicted to exercise to be plugged in to an on-line perfectionist life, and not actually have to deal with messy rl friendships, so they don’t get the corners knocked off and don’t learn to negotiate and live and let live.

The constant pinging of his phone could be notifications, not real friends.

Is he on his computer a lot? A lot of on-line content now is aimed at disaffected young men offering them unrealistic “systems” by which they “should” navigate their life: eg the “ideal” seems to be going to bed early, writing down your goals, eating clean, exercising, keeping your house immaculate etc which is all fine but hyper-independent, self-disciplined and ultimately rather sterile and lonely, and neglects to acknowledge that we are all social creatures who crave connection and friendship, especially when young and exploring the world.

Op I would question him a little more thoroughly about how many friends he actually has in rl?

And also, just a thought, how about you initiating a few outings with him, instead of allowing him to dictate the nature of your relationship? Is it always him coming home to visit you? If so, how about arranging things a bit more on your terms too? Do you ever do anything else with him? Go out to a restaurant together or visit somewhere with him? Go to the pub for Sunday lunch? Or meet for a walk in the park together? An art gallery? Maybe reset the terms of your relationship a bit? Add in some pleasant experiences (hopefully) so it’s not all negative! Good luck!

I agree with this.

Alternatively, if going out with him doesn’t work, maybe you need to detach from him a bit more? Not be so available? Be away one weekend when he comes home to lecture you, but don’t let him know in advance. Force him back on to his own resources a bit and make him look for friends in his own peer group? It should only take a month or so to initiate some changes?

You can also start inviting your own friends and extended family in to your home so your ds doesn’t get the chance to act like a dictator most of the time! Surprise him a little!

Take the key off him

If he comments on you being in bed, tell him you are getting exercise, together.......
That should embarrass him into not commenting

A newly converted health loving individual is not going to stop commenting though on what he deems to be unhealthy, so not sure how you stop him

Sorry posted twice

I hope that he at least understands the meaning of hierarchy in the outside world. Otherwise he will be slapped down very briskly by his seniors. You did not teach him the proper ways - it is too late now. First time my dc tried to answer back my dh, a quick slap on the backside was delivered by me (I only slap on the bottom, never hands, or anywhere else (disclaimer for the non-slapping brigade on here)). And then I drilled my dc the way my grandma drilled us. Total respect for the elders, in the family and outside. None of that nonsense addressing their friends' parents by their Christian or first names, only Mrs/Mr such and such. They were not allowed to participate in adult conversations at the table unless specifically invited. No sitting when adults are standing, etc. They were not allowed to be gobby about adults, including politicians, either or express political opinions. When they turned 16, they were allowed to vote in the Scottish referendum (we lived in Scotland then) and we did not allow them, explaining that they are little shits, they contributed nothing to the UK either financially or in any other way, and that they will get the privilege to vote when they contribute at least something. Basically, 'children, know your place' was our motto and I am glad. P.S. When my dc's friends try to talk disrespectfully in my presence about adults, I immediately pull them up and say 'don't what to hear an opinion from a person of your age, thank you'. Dc are mortified and try to make sure no encounters with their mates take place, but I don't care.

Sweetheart, we all love you very much. I love you so much that I’m willing to do what nobody else is willing to do, and tell you that you are becoming an insufferable and judgemental twat. If your dad and I want to stay in bed til 2pm, having lots of lovely sex in between snoozing, then we don’t need your approval to do that. If your dad wants to drive everywhere, then that is fuck all to do with you. If I want to sit in the garden with a bucket of wine and a straw, then that’s what I’m going to do. Nobody is asking for your help. You are not responsible for any of us. We are fully aware of the consequences of our own actions. We wiped your arse and taught you how to tie your shoe laces. There is nothing you can teach us that we don’t already know. What we’re concerned about is why you’re pushing everyone away from you? What’s going on that you’re trying to alienate yourself? Why are you trying to upset everyone? We’re worried about you.

And if that doesn’t work, change the locks and tell him he can’t come in unless he promises not to offer unsolicited advice.

I disagree that 55 is too old to start living a healthier lifestyle or regular exercise, but the thing is it's up to DH and no-one should be marching into your house and telling you how to live your life.

I would find it very amusing if DDs started telling me off for having a lie in though as we rarely see them before lunch time when they have the chance 😅

This sounds like the start of conspiracy theory/manosphere fixation

If I want to sit in the garden with a bucket of wine and a straw, then that’s what I’m going to do.

Oh god what a marvellous idea 😆

Your husband, you say is very overweight and spends a lot of time sitting in front of the telly that is an ideal scenario for an early death. Your son might be irritating, but he’s absolutely right. He doesn’t want a dead dad. Perhaps your husband should go to the GP and ask for advice on losing weight and getting fitter get a health check if he takes the advice of the GP then he’s got something to reassure your son with.

Being overweight in the obese category is a prime component of most illnesses. You check your facts.

Is there not a snib you can put on?
If your son isn't listening..take the key off him.

Do you have other children living nearby? He could be worried that he may have to be the sole carer for his relatively young parents because they did not look after their health in middle age?

OP says he is overweight - not very overweight

she says he likes to watch telly - not that he spends a lot of time in front of it

if her DS was truly concerned about his dad he would have heard what she was saying and realised he is not helping and would take a different approach.

Ugh, what an absolute pill he sounds. People who talk incessantly about their diet and exercise habits are among the most annoying and boring people in the world. If they only talk about themselves, it’s bad enough. Once they start criticising others, as your son does, they tend to be truly insufferable.

He’s not a teenager discovering new ideas, he’s an adult who clearly hasn’t learned how to interact politely with his own family. I would try to talk to him about his behaviour, but if he’s unwilling to listen, I would limit the time spent with him. There’s no way I would put up with being insulted and lectured to in my own home.

Your son is going through a sanctimonious phase. Seasoned with the dunning Kruger effect. Being healthy in the body does not mean healthy in relationships and mind. His dad needs to draw a line and say, son, I’m proud of you, now leave me the hell alone in my own home. I raised you to have more respect. …

Explain to your son that no one likes unsolicited advice.

Tell him you’re still in bed at the weekends because you like a nice leisurely shag. That’ll shut him up.

I may be way off base, but he sounds like someone who has had an addiction and conquered it or like a person who has 'discovered' religion and who now believes they have a mission to convert the entire world. I'm not saying he was an addict, but was he living an 'unhealthy' lifestyle or perhaps 'partying' too much when he first got out on this own? Could he possibly have a girlfriend who's a 'fitness nut' but he doesn't want her to meet you because you don't live up to her standards?

The thing is, if any of the above rings true, you will never be able to 'gently' get through to him that he is being rude and insufferable. It's probably going to take some hard words like "Son, just shut up. You are living your life the way you want so please allow us to do likewise. Your 'advice' (yes, use finger quotes) is unwanted and unhelpful". If he keeps on then either keep repeating or ask him to leave until he can be more respectful. If nothing else, tell your DH that if he will not confront your son and tell him to knock it off (not argue about it, just 'shut up' or words to that effect) he's effectively putting up with it so he needs to stop complaining to you about it.

As far as the unwanted visits you have a right to set boundaries. Tell him not to visit before 10am (or later) as you will be sleeping in and do not want to be disturbed. I don't know that I'd go so far as to change the locks right now, but I would tell him that he needs to ring before he comes over or at the very least knock & announce himself before he enters.

After we left home we never simply walked into our parents' home unless we'd called first. If we hadn't we'd ring or knock, then open the door and give a 'Hello, anyone home?" and wait for a reply. My children do the same. Of course, with my children it may have more to do with the fact that I sometimes walk around the house naked. No one wants to see that!!!