To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

.....sitting in front of the tv all the time

Where does op say 'all the time'?

A lot of people on this thread are nearly as annoying as the ds, making assumptions about op and dh's lifestyles and dictating what they should do.

Ah yes, the Prince lion challenging the Lion King phase. Such fun. 🤨

We’re at the tail end of it.

Thank god for his girlfriend, she keeps him nicely distracted away from the Extra Large Feline Hierarchical Nitpicking.

I had a come down like a ton of bricks on him a few times earlier on in the phase though.

Come down all flushed and messy-haired and tell him he's interrupted sex. That should hopefully put a stop to it!

My thoughts entirely. A lot of people saying being fat and unfit he'll die young or have no life, if someone younger came on here and said they were obese and I said the same about them there would be uproar. Everyone gets to live their life as they see fit, their DS has no right to lecture them, that's not concern, that's thinking you know better and everyone should do as they say.
It sounds like he's totally focused on being a self help guru but that only works if people want your advice, nothing turns people away from an idea, even a good one, more than being sanctimonious and pushy

All those saying he has a point and he’s worried about his dad

what about his gran? Is it at all reasonable for him to be going on at her with his evangelical views? Should she be doing more exercise and eat healthier because he’s worried. I’m surprised at 80 she hasn’t told him to do one tbh

You’ve said your DS said “is trying to help” . Is there a reason he feels need to help ? If not then it’s really not his business how you live your lives .

‘This isn’t your home & you’re a guest in mine. Please behave accordingly’
Might help remind him of the dynamic

Nope. A lot of fat shamers on this thread. No one has mentioned this but skinny is so un attractive. Especially in your 50s give me a chubby guy any day! And the extra meat definitely looks more healthy IMO

Spot on. I have a DS26. If he turned up at ours and carried on like this I would have very firm words with him,

That generation are so entitled and judgemental! I’ve one the exact same age and I’m sick of the snide comments. They make the same comments about their in-laws as well and I hate it. I’ve started answering back. They think we’re stupid and that they’ve got it all figured out, while simultaneously wanting to be up our arses still!

Excellent advice, especially the last paragraph.

I’d recommend the OP read The Motion of the Body Through Space by Lionel Shriver, it’s fiction and skewers the cult of fitness and self improvement nicely.

In that case, either leave the key in the door, turned slightly so it can't be pushed out from the other side, ask for the key back, or get a door chain & leave it on!

My middle brother was just like this with my parents. So judgemental and smug. Not lovely at all. He was overweight as a child and then took up running and became very boring in the process but hey he looked fit.

We've had intermittent bursts of this behaviour but not to the extent of being obsessed and thinking they know everything. We've been told off for getting scammed (not our fault) and that we're stupid, for how we drive, what we eat blah blah blah - it used to cause arguments until we sussed out what it was and acted on it.

What happens when he gets out of his depth with anything - 'overwhelm' I think it's called - who does he turn to when he needs a listening ear?

When we receive criticism we say for example - do we tell you what to eat, do we tell you what to do in your spare time, do we tell you what time to go to bed & get up? You have to say it with a smile so as not confrontational. When the next line follows about 'why' you should be doing whatever it is, the response is - you know when we were your age we were doing (whatever you were doing), we weren't born at this age, we've lived our lives doing (whatever) long before you came along. The best one is 'do you know that I taught you to eat with a spoon' 😂😂 and that list is endless. You have to learn to disarm them in a nice way and end up laughing about it. When DD has a problem she knows exactly where she'll be listened to, who will unpick the problem and work out options, then she'll go think about it all and make a decision. It's so rewarding, and she learns the process to put in her toolbox.

When he turns up early and asks why you're still in bed, tell him he's interrupting your Saturday morning sex sessions and that it's great exercise for dad as he builds up a great sweat.

He's bang out of order.

Hoping I am way off base, but is he a healthy weight OP. From this post he sounds unhealthily obsessed with exercise. This is how eating disorders often start in males. He may need some support.

I was going to say it sounds like he’s discovered the sky is blue and is ultra keen to let everyone know about his amazing discovery, but the bit about motivational speakers struck me.

It might be worth asking who these speakers are and finding out how much he’s spending on them. Some of these motivation/wellness coaches run halfway between cults and pyramid schemes, and are really bad news. They work hard to turn the people who come to them for advice into zealots so that they can drain as much money from them as possible.

You’ve had some good advice on here about how to approach a conversation on how he’s treating everyone but some gentle enquiries on who his gurus are and what he’s paying them would be a good idea to make sure he isn’t being taken advantage of.

I was having a glass of wine in the garden yesterday after work when Ds walked through the side gate and gave me a lecture about the negative affects of alcohol which turned into how good he feels without it in his life

Fuck that shit. I'd be banning the rude little oik from my house and phoning him in a month to tell him how much his Father's mental health had improved without his consistent moaning and how good he feels without it in his life.

I would tell him that now all your children have left home the lie in involves sex and that is quite healthy at your age! I doubt even he will have an answer to that!
I'm guessing he is still single because he sounds insufferable and none of my 3 sons would dare behave like that

I think it sounds like you are making excuses for your 55 year old husband. You seem to think that age is a reason to just give in and not make any effort with diet or exercise. I think your son might just be trying to make his unhealthy dad a bit healthier!

I had this exact same thought. This happened to my friend at around the same age as OP’s son, he became obsessed with one of the famous American life coaches (TR) - restricted so much about his eating and health that it made normal social interaction awkward, spoke about little else, sharing all his learning with family and friends at every opportunity and spent an absolute fortune he really couldn’t afford attending flashy events in exotic locations that sounded very cult/MLM like. He got extremely thin and his mental health suffered.

Tell DS he has to message and wait for a reply before dropping in, this is no longer his house, he’s 25 with his own. If that doesn’t work add an extra bolt to your door for overnight or take back your key.

Be stronger in your push back to every comment. It may originally have been from a well meaning place of concern for his father’s health but it’s gone way past that and wouldn’t be acceptable for you/DH to keep saying stuff like this to DS as a grown adult let alone the other way around.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 I was thinking this!!

Yes. What has happened to honour thy parents? It was one of the Ten Commandments for a reason. My YAs are lovely people and I love the very bones of them but boy do they not hold back giving unsolicited advice and yet neither have worked full time, maintained a home on their own, married, given birth, or raised children yet, but they don’t seem to think there is anything wrong with proffering their opinions on those very subjects. They are both working pt while studying and still partially funded by us. I don’t like to remind them of that as it sounds so churlish but on the other hand, how do we remind them politely that we might just know a few things about the world having lived in it for much longer?

I reluctantly agree that there are aspects of this generation which have become rather entitled. They read so much on-line about toxic parenting, and while we are not perfect parents by any means, I reckon our generation of parents have probably invested the most in their emotional welfare and have invested much more time and energy in their upbringing compared to previous generations. At the same time, while it’s absolutely unacceptable for parents to offer any sort of constructive advice to their late teen, or young adult dc, it seems perfectly acceptable for them to offer it to all and sundry!

Not surprising really when Instagram and You Tube are full of influencers making money telling them to eat this way, schedule their time time that way, invest their earnings in these five financial products, clean their bathroom following this method, journal in their diary using this formula, work out following this example. Perhaps they think that is how the world operates?

He should only come round when invited if he comments on things. I always call my mum before I turn up.