To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

I just don't get any of this.

Take your key back and tell him to shut up!

Maybe your DS can see what damage his father is doing to himself but is going about it the wrong way.

Your dh is 55 and not 105

Why can’t you and your dh eat healthier?

Why can’t you both do some exercise?

I’m 58 and fairly fit (marathon runner). I’m still knackered. I was drifting off to sleep last night when I was called to go and collect teen ds who was too drunk to look after himself (almost 18 not 13 and the first time it’s ever happened but not the point of my comment)

got back home at 2.30. The lack of sleep had left me feeling worse than him! Regardless of how fit or healthy we are in our 50’s we’re knackered. Ds needs to learn to shut up, he’s not the fucking parent and he has no idea what we need to do to get through the day. It’s not his place to worry about his father’s health. He’s made his point and now needs to shut up and come round to enjoy spending time and not criticise his life choices.

He sounds like an obnoxious and insufferable bore! Tell him to get his own like and stop analysing yours and his dad’s!

Ok, I'm going against the grain but this latest update sounds worrying and a bit like a life coaching cult. People have lost loads of money and been encouraged to cut off their families etc all due to the influence of charismatic people who exhort them to 'push themselves'. I'd be continuing to engage with him, but maybe asking questions him on where he gets his inspiration from etc.

Has he actually joined some sort of cult? I know it sounds unlikely but there are some weird ones out there.

The relative I have who is very much like this is most definitely neurodivergent, although not diagnosed (and much older). They genuinely don't mean any harm (quite the opposite) but it's very hard for some other relatives to see that and bridges have been burned by their lectures and insensitivity. They also never really ask questions and just talk at people which is very one-sided and causes upset. Unfortunately as a result they are only tolerated (sometimes not even that) and never enjoyed. Interestingly I get to hear their side as I decided to take the role of just listening as I was worried they would be left with nobody. The lack of insight into how they come across is mind-blowing, but there is no lack of perception regarding how others find them annoying or are hurtful and they suffer a lot as a result. They view their lectures as just sharing helpful information that will benefit those they love.

I'd say you need to be kind but firm - "DS, comments about dad's health have all been said and heard now. We have the information, thank you for your concern. He doesn't want to hear any more because its getting upsetting. It is now banned as a topic of conversation". Try not to get offended.

What does that mean, he can't be heard? It sounds like you and your husband are so in awe of your son that you can't acknowledge what he really is. He doesn't sound lovely, he sounds like a rude arrogant little shit. This isn't a DH issue, its a joint issue for your to address together. You both tell him that he can visit and be nice or stay away until he remembers his manners. Complains about what's in the fridge, tell him to shut up. He can come around when you say that he can. If it's too early for you, tell him. If he ignores you, don't answer the door. DS sounds like the class bully who goes out of his way to pick on the quiet kid, who simply wants to be left alone.

I have sons in their 20s. I wouldn’t be having a chat with him I’d be giving him a stern bollocking!!

He could be lonely, his phone pinging constantly doesn't mean that he isn't lonely, nor does the fact that he's joined a running club - the opposite in fact. He might be unhappy in general. Often when people focus on other people's 'issues', its a form of deflection - stops them from focusing on or talking about their own stuff. When he's being obnoxious, try turning the conversation back to him - ask about work, friends, hobbies, anything and see what happens.

Change locks
ignore front door
ring doorbell

don’t tolerate this sort of behaviour - I sure as hell wouldn’t!

Tell your son that unless he has something kind to say - it’s best to keep quiet. Tell him to take some time out and come back only when he can adjust his unkind behaviour.

YANBU, OP.

Does your son have quite an addictive/obsessive personality? He sounds very much like a couple of my relatives. They are obsessed with the gym, their appearance, and one has quite extreme eating habits (i.e. nothing but protein shakes, chicken and rice, and perhaps the odd bit of broccoli for months on end, before introducing fish). IMO, they are unbearable, and I have told them so... repeatedly. It's rude and demeaning towards others. Your son needs a very stern talking-to, and to be pulled up and told to stop talking every time he starts up with his barbed comments.

My brother only became more bearable once he had a child and, therefore, less time to spend at the gym, and perhaps something/someone else more important to obsess over.

"I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge."

Frankly, this softly-softly approach does not work with puritans. You're going to have to toughen up and tell him that he needs to accept that he's become a haranguing bore and you've been polite so far about his health obsession but you've had enough of his rudeness now. He might think he's being caring about his parents' health but actually he's just being a controlling arse and he can bore off with his puritanical oh-I'm-so-pure grandstanding. And hand your key for this house back, all you use it for is to come in and lecture us again and I'VE HAD ENOUGH. And so has your Gran after you lectured her on the phone for an hour!

Don't be nice. Don't sugar the pill, because he certainly doesn't. Short sharp shock is the way to go.

"It just started with him reading a few self help books and then a few more and then going to seminars of motivational speakers and his conversations started by saying how much it all makes sense and he was transforming his mind but now it seems to have changed him too much."

That's actually concerning, because it's essentially religious fanaticism which he is proselytising to anyone polite enough to stand and take it (stop taking it!). Barely different from a drug addict normalising his drug use by trying to get everyone else hooked to. And I'd be pointing that out too. And that his belief in himself as a motivational speaker is completely unfounded because all of his speechifying is just driving you away.

As I said, do not sugar the pill. Short sharp shock. And get that housekey back!

Sorry, but your son sounds like an utter A*hole. Your son needs to realise he's in his early 20's and hubby is in his early 50's and they have different lifestyles. Unless your husband is morbidly obese or has major health issues he needs to check his judgemental attitude. Its your husband, his life.
BTW Most middle age men I know carry a bit extra round the middle and aren't as fit as they once were in their early 20's.

Hi OP. My word, that sounds mentally and emotionally exhausting for you and DH.

I would have to come straight to the point, (well actually, it should come directly from your DH if he feels able) with something along the lines of
Please stop commenting on our/Dad’s habits.
or
You’ve made your view clear already.

If he continues to drone on and on and on like a toddler, I would speak to him like a toddler by stating something like…
Adults do not repeatedly criticise other adults in their own home after being asked to stop.

If he goes on again later, just have your husband say, something along these lines…

I know you care, son, but I don’t enjoy being constantly corrected. I need you to stop pushing me about my lifestyle as it is impacting my mental health and our relationship!

Oh,and as for early morning drop ins, I would tell him directly we wi be in bed and won’t be getting up before 11am so either he calls in after 11 or makes a plan with you ahead of time for a convenient time, but, no more letting himself in before 11am at the weekends

Whilst on the one hand, your husband does sound fat and lazy (and only 55!), on the other, your son does not sound like a "lovely lad" at all.
Also, he is a grown man.

BECAUSE BE DOESN’T WANT TO. And he’s an adult with free will. God people are so insufferable thinking they have a right to tell and judge how people live their lives. Who cares if he isn’t eating healthy. He’s not your husband, don’t worry about it

It’s probably a lot as a child watching a parent eat themselves into a terrible quality of life & ultimately an early death. I’m the child of 2 overweight parents & little sister to an overweight sibling. I’ve accepted that unless something significant changes the odds are I’m last man standing & that’s horrific. Your son isn’t doing it in the right way by being judgemental but watching your loved ones eat their lives away when you know they know better is heartbreaking.

Honestly sounds like some "guru" type cult is it one person he follows do you know?

Your son sounds an absolute bore.

I think you need to shut conversations down.

When he's told you what sport he has done so far that's the end of that topic.

He criticises, he leaves.

No answers but just solidarity. my DS is just like this; he lives at home - he is definitely ADHD, I think also autistic. He has hyper fixations and is just like this with me. I am 60, not unfit , but a little plump. He goes on at me the whole time, he goes to the gym every day and eats awful things (eg milkshakes blended with fried mince). I have been extremely blunt with him and he still does it. It’s highly annoying, and I won’t be sorry when he moves out.

He is 22 btw not mega young.

Hang on. Posters calling the op’s husband “fat and lazy” should not be passing judgement on her ds, as they are behaving in exactly the same way as he is behaving!

Who says that fat = lazy anyway? How rude!

Op’s dh may have worked a 60+ hour week for all anyone knows!

The nasty judgements about people’s weight and size is really getting out of hand on this site. No one for a start should be commenting on weight loss for over fifty year olds until they have reached that stage in life themselves!

Except personal choice.

No one was ever brow beaten into healthier habits. In fact if food is a comfort nagging and strain makes things worse.

Sleep for one thing is an aid to healthy eating.

Nothing the DS is doing is helping his 'imagined' aims