To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

[myfairladies]

We have a lovely lad who is 25 he moved out about three years ago and lives in the same town and we see him regularly which is lovely but the thing is he is very judgmental and this is making us uncomfortable.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.
He will moan about what’s in the fridge and tell his dad he needs to lose weight and stop eating this and that, not just once but every time he turns up and we happen to be eating something he doesn’t approve of.

I’d like to add he wasn’t like this when he lived at home.

He makes sarcastic comments about Dh driving when he himself although holds a license chooses to cycle every where instead.
While I appreciate his lifestyle is his choice, I don’t think he should judge or preach to his dad about it, yes Dh is overweight and does like to sit and watch telly but at 55 there’s no way on earth he is suddenly going to buy a bike, sell the tv and spend his evenings jogging and eating whatever he recommends.
While he means well he is offending his dad and I can see this affecting their relationship.
Dh likes his lay in at the weekend as do I and as we no longer have children at home I agree we are entitled to sleep in but if he turns up and we’re not up yet it’s another chance to criticise.
I had a chat with him and said dad isn’t going to change so just accept him as he is but he isn’t going to back down and is determined to keep on at him, I can see it’s driving a wedge.
I can see the eye roll when ds arrives and ds told me he doesn’t feel like he has anything in common with his dad anymore because he tried to help him but he won’t listen which is true, he doesn’t want to listen as he doesn’t want to be changed or have his lifestyle choices criticised, just wish he would drop it because I can see his dad pulling away because he feels constantly scrutinised.

Did the OP say he was in the obese category?

The insufferable prig stage is usually over by the time they are 21. Tell your “lovely” son to stop lecturing and to grow up.

I think he thinks he’s the motivational speaker now.

hahaha - he really isn't. Tell him that if he thinks he is the next Tony Robbins he has a whole massive other think coming. And to work on his "bedside manner".

Do this while smoking a joint, and drinking a pint of lard.

He will unexpectedly call round early on a weekend and ask why we’re still in bed. This will be about 8:30-9 when he’s been up and been for a run already.

Respond to this with "I thought we already had the sex talk with you. Maybe turn up a bit later and we'll be up/finished" he won't do that again.

The only charitable thought I can have is that he is worried about his dad's health. Maybe sit down with him and tell him you are two grown adults and have been living independent lives without interference for years now. you know what he thinks and that's fine but you don't want incessant advice and you don't want his judgement so how about when he comes over you have a cup of coffee and a chat instead of the complaints.

One of my friends had a similar issue with her DS. He completely changed when he left Uni and became overly judgy of everyone and everything. He is in his 30s now and they have unfortunately drifted apart because he would not accept that he was hurting his family. She sees him maybe twice a year.

I was having a glass of wine in the garden yesterday after work when Ds walked through the side gate and gave me a lecture about the negative affects of alcohol which turned into how good he feels without it in his life and how disciplined he is now because he doesn’t watch tv and he doesn’t eat this and that and doesn’t understand people who let their mind rot with tv, alcohol, caffeine etc so he’s either left those people behind or trying to change them or open their eyes to their misgivings now that he pushes himself to get up early and go for a run in the rain and convince everyone how wonderful his mindset is but it’s all he talks about, he’ll ring me and talk about nothing else but how he’s changed his life and I should read this self help book and listen to this paragraph.

He sounds insufferable.

He clearly isn’t going to stop, so you need to make it clear you’re not listening. Each and every time he starts this routine, cut him off. Talk over him if you have to. No polite pussyfooting - you’re not interested.

sorry but your DH does need to do something does he have any hobbies apart from eating and watching TV sounds unhealthy.
What about you do you exercise. How about you and DH go out for a walk or something.

It's not his home any more so even if it suits you for him to have a set of keys, he uses them only by prior arrangement (popping round to water your plants if you go away), not to drop in. Bolt the door at night and unbolt it when you are happy to answer it. Tell him he is invited for lunch or whatever and establish a loose pattern of meetings and explain that he should ask to come round otherwise, not appear.

I would also develop your own activities you like to do with him one on one, and encourage your husband and him to do the same; for example they could go for a regular, unambitious walk in nature or go fishing or mountain biking or go to auctions or whatever it might be. Let them find common ground involving gentle physical activity rather than threaten your husband with the loss of his sedentary identity.

He sounds completely insufferable. Not lovely at all.

I was going to say this!! The total change in behaviour sounds really strange. Sounds really creepy, I'm sorry you're all going through this.

It won't be long before you hear about how the government use alcohol and mainstream to control the people

You’re missing the point though. The OP’s husband hasn’t hired a life coach or personal trainer whose advice he is now ignoring. It is unsolicited interference from a family member who had been told more than once to stop.

I agree that it sounds very cult like. Also I wonder if there is some Manosphere type stuff going on, a lot of them are obsessed with fitness, pushing themselves etc to "prove" their manliness. Could well be that they assured him that women will be falling over themselves to sleep with him and it hasnt happened.

If we're doing unsolicited advice, you need to work on your Main Character Syndrome.

Yes this - has he paid lots of money for these books, seminars, courses etc? Does he spend a lot of time on social media? Does he think he's friends with these people? If so these are known scams targeting young men for ££££. They behave like cults.

Has he ever had a girlfriend? How does he speak about women? Next he'll be on the misogynist incel seminars.

Nothing like the zeal of the convert.

OP , are you sure about his age 25? he sounds like a teenager who still knows everything!

If he comes round when you are still in bed start bouncing up and down on the bed and make 'noises' hopefully he'll be that mortified he'll at least quit shaming you for having a lie in!

Not all young people go through such a stage

Or buy bikes.

Good grief, I’d be telling him to shut up and shut up again. Loudly. Who does he think he is and why on earth aren’t you and your husband giving him a massive bollocking about his behaviour!

Although at 55 it’s not too late to do some form of exercise, I’m 70 & go to the gym 3days per week , I’m trying to stave off arthritis & try & get stronger xx

Manosphere is what comes to mind

I agree that your son is being intrusive, but you sound like you’ve given up on your husband already. You talk about a 55 year old like he’s 80 and there’s no point expecting him to look after his health.

It sounds like your son is very concerned about his dad being overweight and sitting in front of the tv all the time, but there are ways of expressing that without offending his dad.

I voted YABU simply because I can't comprehend how you give your son so much leeway that he can come into your home and be so disrespectful to the extent your DH is now having low self esteem instead of nipping it in the bud like adults and parents once and for all.

These were my thoughts.