AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

From the washing machine to the tumble dryer.

Even 15-20 minutes total is not a great burden. There is simple no excuse to let it all pile up!

We’ve never owned a tumble dryer. And didn’t have that much washing per week that waiting till DH was home at the weekend was an issue. Nothing piled up!

If it all only takes 5 minutes what is the problem with doing it when OP is home and spending time with his child?

Why not get the jobs out of the way and he can take over baby duties on the evening and op can rest.

Agreed, most didn't even care how old the baby was or if this woman had a difficult childbirth or how her mental health is, they just decided that she still should be doing x, y and z regardless.

The woman in question has already told the OP that she can't do those things, so what exactly are people suggesting? That the OP keeps asking, or that they insist on it or dictate to her about what she should be doing?
Or is it just that they think they're validating the OPs feelings, that they're right to expect it, which will just cause them to be more pissed off with their partner and not actually help the situation in any way 🤔

Well this isn’t about you is it? It’s about OP’s partner who is letting the house get disgusting while she’s home all day

If I was OP I’d be asking why she can’t do basic hygiene tasks to be honest.

How about you take a few days off work to stay home while your DP takes the time to go out for the day, visit friends etc? See how much you get done around the house while looking after baby properly. Then you'll have a baseline.

How does the house "get disgusting" when she is at home though. The baby won't be making a mess so apart from a bit of washing up after lunch what extra work is there compared to when she wasn't on maternity leave. It's pretty obvious OP is expected her to do more housework than she did before maternity leave a.k.a his share.

Per OP’s post she lets it all pile up during the day. It is disgusting to do that.

This thread reminds me of a celebrity who went on tv to lecture about ‘attachment parenting’ then was found dead of a drug overdose (clearly deeply struggling but didn’t want the world to see).

If people were honest on this thread, if they couldn’t get the basics done at home all day, they must have been massively struggling with something - baby, mental health etc.

OP needs to have that conversation with his partner and reach out for help if needed.

I doubt very much that op would expect to take over all duties so she can have a rest when he is at home but regardless why should she do things that way if she doesn't want to.

What could be "piling up" though?

That doesn't make sense. If it was 50-50 before baby, and now she's not doing any housework then he's now doing 100%. If she does 'some', that doesn't suddenly mean she's doing his share, but that he's not taking on all of her housework plus his own.

He is complaining that she is not doing housework while he is at work and she is at home with the baby. He hasn't said anything about the weekends or evenings when he is there. Also, why is he cleaning when he is getting home rather than looking after his baby so she has time to do it?

No, he didn't ask whether she should be doing housework whilst he is out at work, but during her maternity leave. That implies all of that time, not just 9-5.

We know he's doing all the laundry, all the cooking and tidying up each evening. Why you say he wants her to do everything is beyond me, it's certainly not implied and what he wrote.

we can only really speak from our own experience. I had a baby with severe reflux and didn’t sleep at all but I still got all the house work done. But then I enjoy cleaning the house and it would have got me down if the house was a mess. But I completely stopped cooking and we lived off ready meals and my husband’s cooking where he had time. Things like ironing we outsourced. I would have been bored just sitting at home just breast feeding and whilst I did nap during the day it was just on off. I don’t personally stuggle to do the housework.

He specifically mentions getting home from work and tidying up "the mess she has made during the day". I am saying there realistically can't be much. I see he is complaining about cooking dinner but presumably she is looking after the baby during that time rather than putting her feet up. Why not look after his baby so she can cook? And what is wrong with doing his own laundry?

Disgusting? Really?

Agree, some babies/ toddlers cannot cope with being put down by the dad, they cling to mummy for dear life as if daddy is a stranger, I see why now, so many mums afraid to spend a minute away from their baby. It’s important for dads to bond with their child and not coming home from work to simply clean/ cook.

Yes I do think leaving your shit all over the house everyday is disgusting

There's been no suggestion that she's not doing basic hygiene tasks, just that she's not doing the housework.

And he has voiced his concerns, sounds like several times and she said she's looking after the child and doesn't have time to do it.

So what now? Just keep asking her again and again why she can't do them? or what is your advice exactly?

You're unreasonable. Hire a cleaner if you don't want to do the work yourself.

If there's not much, she can easily tidy it then!

I agree there's no reason he can't do his laundry, but he didn't say his laundry, he said the laundry, which indicates she's not doing hers.

I feel you are making a lot of assumptions on the basis of him being a man, and therefore not pulling his weight, rather than taking what he is saying at face value.

From the OP you actually have no idea what the scale is. They might be freaking out about 6 crumbs and a dirty glass for all you know.

Please provide a quote where the OP has said this.