AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

How many days each month are you in sole charge of the baby to give your partner a break, OP? And what household chores do you manage to get done on those days?

Wow the amount of people saying she doesn’t have time to do couple dishes or pop on a load of laundry is ridiculous, ive had some hard labours/births, ive exclusively breastfed (including doing all the night feeds as baby wouldn’t take a bottle she is now 2 and still breastfeeding in the night) and i have 2 disabled children and i have just put a load of laundry going (second today) and fried up some bacon to have with dinner later, i have also done the dishes, ive also picked up toys and put them away twice today wiped down all the surfaces twice and made lunch for kids, and she doesn’t have time to tidy up after herself just herself? Leaves it all for OH to do after working all day. gobsmacked 😶.

She can tidy it but why not when he gets home if OP is looking after the baby if it's only 10 minutes? Why is OP making a big deal out of it? And I doubt she is forcing him to do her laundry. He can just ignore hers and do his own. I'm not making assumptions based on whether OP is a man. I am making assumptions based on logic.

So terrible for father to do their own laundry after a full day of work but fine for working mothers. Presumably op did his own laundry before his partner was in maternity leave so why is it so difficult now?

If this is only one baby involved, your partner seems a bit unreasonable.

Because otherwise it implies she’s sat doing sweet FA for 8 hours a day minimum while he’s out earning money for the family

Sweet fuck all? She's looking after their baby.
She also works and presumably her maternity pay is also going towards the family.

You do realise that maternity leave is to recover from childbirth and look after a baby? And that if someone is on maternity leave they have a job and are contributing money to the family themselves? It is quite possible that OPs partner is contributing more financially than he is.

If she can't spare 10 minutes, then let's hope she doesn't have a second child. Her eldest would die of neglect...

Maybe she will or maybe her second child will be far easy than the first or perhaps she will wait a few years. Plus op hasn't given any information so his child could have been born last week for all we know.

On the days that you’ve been solely responsible for looking after your baby, how much housework have you done got done?

So if he’s out at work and she’s doing ‘sweet FA’, who is looking after the baby?

Gold star for you!!
You have NO IDEA what is going on with OPs partner, but well done for trying to make others feel like crap for not being as amazing as you are. Bravo!

Her full time job on mat leave is caring for the baby.
You also have a full time job, whatever it is you do. Yay for you!

Now, in any ordinary relationship where 2 people both work full time, the household chores should be shared equally outside of full time working hours (let's assume 9-5 for the ease, here). So outside of 9-5, you both do 50% of the chores. Grand. That's fair.

However, this is no ordinary full time job your partner has. They are also physically recovering from pregnancy, meaning their body has taken a toll. And in any loving partnership, the one not recovering steps up to the chores plate and does more, to make room for healing of the other one. Fabulous, we've established you should be doing more.

Then, on top of this, there is now a baby to care for. The baby is yours. The baby is your partners. Equally. So, outside of those 9-5 working hours, the baby should be cared for by you both equally. What this looks like for your family may look different to my family and any other family.

But there we have it.

@Cljw How much of a second job can you get done simultaneously whilst you're accountable for doing your full time job?

Yep, while she was pregnant, if she was working and doing 50% of the chores then she was doing more for the family than the OP was because she was literally growing the baby, now if she needs healing time of course the OP should be stepping up.

I think men should get a watermelon seed implanted and have to go through a pseudo pregnancy while their partner does.

Once they’ve pushed it out and nourished it from their own body for several months they might have some idea how hard motherhood actually is in those early days.

At what point in the OP has he said he expects her to do his laundry? All he has asked is that she cleans up the mess she has made throughout the day, no unreasonable in my opinion, again it is ludicrous that people are suggesting she can’t do ANYTHING or doesn’t have time, bollocks.

Why would he care if she wasn't doing her own laundry? He obviously only cares because she isn't doing his either. Why complain about doing the laundry otherwise?

I had two under two and yes I managed to keep on top on the basics most of the time. There were the odd days I was still in pjs at 3pm, house upside down, no dinner ready when DH got home etc. All I had done was soothe baby, clear up potty accidents and eat half a packet of biscuits. On these days, he wouldn’t have dreamt of saying anything other than “what can I do?”.

Maternity leave doesn’t mean you should flog yourself doing everything but equally you don’t need to sit and just watch the baby all day either.

Because shes not even doing her own He is expected to to his own as you have said, so why can’t she do her own?
It is not unreasonable to expect your partner to tidy and clean up after themselves, which is all he has suggested, seriously seriously tell me that a mother has 0 minutes to wash up a cup or plate she used for lunch or pop a load of laundry going, its ridiculous.

Honestly I was a bit of a mess when mine were small. I had ones that didn't sleep or nap well. I ran on empty 99% of the time. Im so grateful dh came home and we would do a tidy if we could get dc down

It totally depends on the child.

My first was a very easy baby, great with naps and I was able to do a lot. Although I still had my weekly housekeeper for 1 full day per week.

My second baby was a complete handful. So much so that I was sinking looking after my baby and toddler and there’s no way I could keep up. DH came home one day, said this isn’t working and hired an au pair.

I think if your baby is a handful and you don’t have a cleaner or any help at all then it can be very difficult to also keep a perfect home.

How do you know she wouldn't wash her clothes? Why can't he just leave her to do her own laundry rather than complain about laundry? Why can't he look after their baby when he gets so she can clear up any mess and sometimes cook dinner?

Because she has said “she doesn’t have time to do any of that” meaning ANY laundry. I suspect he moans about laundry not being done because it is frankly gross having loads of unwashed laundry hanging around.
you have made a assumption that he hasn’t/doesnt look after the baby after work also, but hey you can’t do housework AND look after a baby 🤔 so maybe he doesn’t interact with the baby at all because one can’t do both can they according to the majority of this thread.

I’d advise a new mum to sleep when the baby sleeps. She needs as much rest as she can get.