AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

[Cljw]

My partner is on mat leave, I work full time. Then when i get home, i have to tidy up after her and the mess that has been made throughout the day, do the washing and cooking etc. (Woe is me, i know) but when i voice my feelings regarding this, i get the 'im looking after our child, i dont have time to do any of that.' So AIBU to ask her to do some housework?

I agree pay for a cleaner.

I am on mat leave at the minute and I don’t have the time to clean. Between my baby sensory classes and contact napping, breastfeeding the day is gone.

AIBU to expect some housework done during my partner's mat leave?

What is she not doing that she used to do before your baby arrived? Is she ok in herself - back to ?normal and not struggling with sleep deprivation or overwhelm? Is she less tolerant, tearful or overly worried about how she's coping?

Do you recognise that the arrival of a baby can throw a normal/expected routine into chaos?

Having a baby rarely makes life easier for both parents, but given time to adjust and offering lots of support to each other is what it's all about. It's a big life change and when daddy goes back to work things are going to look entirely different at home, especially when your partner isn't going out to work too, but there's a baby to look after 24/7 now - neither of you have likely done 24 hour shifts back to back so you need to figure out a way to make it work where you both get enough rest. There's no law about housework, it'll get done when it gets done. Be nice to each other & make sure you're hands-on with your baby, he/she needs you both above everything else.

The majority of parents do have more than one though and life doesn’t freeze on maternity leave.

As I said from the start, instead of normalising ‘I cant get anything done on the whole of maternity leave’, it sounds like she is struggling (if you can’t do anything at all) and its only the OP who knows what is going on at home.

Nearly everyone in the comments who has said they couldn’t get anything done was struggling in some form.

Only the OP can tell us what his baby is like at home. If baby naps for two hours a day and sleeps well through the night, there shouldn’t be issue.

Large families 2 or 3 kids???

2 or 3 kids is a pretty normal family size. I’d say most kids adore having siblings and the huge benefits/joy/love that having a sibling brings.

Thinking you’re a better Mum because you can’t leave your baby to happily play isn’t healthy in anyway.

In reality, most mums in the real world have to get on with a million different jobs on maternity leave (often not living near family in this day and age).

I’ll take my happy, content, independent kids who didn’t mentally suffer playing with their shape toys or looking through books all alone …a whole room away from me! 😱

I presume whilst you're cooking and cleaning she is still looking after the baby. No? So she has them around the clock and you're work finishes when you clock off? Got it

She’s told you she can’t do it. Why would you doubt that? She’s reached her capacity.

Some people find looking after a baby more manageable than others. Depends on the baby; depends on the parent. Also depends on the support (practical and emotional) they’re receiving from other adults in the picture.

My maternity leave was when we got a cleaner for the first time. Introducing solids to twins pushed me over the edge. Help with the house from my mum had been sufficient for the first 6 months but it just got too much for me. We still have the same lady 14 years later. I owe her my sanity. I know it’s a luxury to be able to have her, but if we were struggling to afford it I would give up so much else in my life before losing her.

YNBU.

how were jobs split before? If she did the bulk before then I’d have thought that continue if you did the bulk before then I’d think that would continue. Raising a baby isn’t an excuse to be a slob, babies don’t make mess your DP needs to clean up after herself. If baby is clingy suggest she wear baby so she can get some bits done in the day, obviously she’s not going to be cleaning the bathroom out wearing a baby with the chemicals etc but she can wash baby bottles out, run the Hoover over the floor, wash her coffee cup etc.

id guess this is a 1st baby if she can’t handle normal life tasks after this one then don’t have a second as clearly she will need to abandon one child as all she can do is look after 1!

of course you could come home and take over on baby duties if DP enjoys cooking she may enjoy that time without baby doing something she loves.

in all honesty she sound like she may have post natal depression. Is she able to take care of all her needs while home alone? Or has she stopped doing her hair like she used to, doesn’t shower as often as before?

speak to your DP and come up with solutions she’s maybe just feeling out of her depth just now and needs more time to adjust, be there and work through it otherwise you won’t survive and you’ll be back on here asking for advise on how you can see your child at the weekend and why you need to pay maintenance when it’s to keep her in her lifestyle!

I feel like there’s probably a lot more context needed before anyone can fairly judge your situation.

Maternity leave is definitely not a year-long holiday. You’re “on” all the time, often without much of a proper break, especially depending on how well the baby sleeps. Even with an “easy” baby, every week brings new challenges, changing routines and different phases.

For example, my 10-month-old is currently a very messy eater, and I genuinely feel like Cinderella cleaning the kitchen, highchair and floor countless times a day. Some days it honestly feels easier to just go out for lunch to avoid yet another clean-up. Of course I could minimise the mess by spoon-feeding, but I prefer baby-led weaning because my baby enjoys it and it’s great for her development.

Ultimately, when someone is on maternity leave, the baby becomes the priority. You can’t always expect them to manage all of the housework as well, especially when babies are unpredictable and demanding. And when you finally do get a spare moment, sometimes you’d rather spend quality time with your baby than catch up on chores.

Housework really needs to be approached as teamwork, regardless of whether you have a baby or not. If one partner isn’t naturally tidy, chores will probably slip unless there’s shared effort, communication and realistic expectations on both sides. It helps to regularly check in with each other and divide tasks between evenings and weekends so things stay manageable.

For example, while I’m on maternity leave, I usually cook dinner. When my husband gets home, he does bath time while I give our baby her final feed and settle her for bed — although I know that’s much easier for us than it is for some parents. My sister, for example, has three children and has to stay with them until they fall asleep. Once our baby is in bed, I’ll finish making our dinner if it’s different from the baby’s meal, and then we’ll tidy up together — kitchen, washing, dishwasher, hoovering, etc.

For the deeper cleaning jobs, we split tasks at the weekend. I’ll usually do the bathrooms while he hoovers and mops.

That’s just an example of what works for us as a team, but it definitely isn’t always smooth sailing. Sometimes cleaning ends up at the bottom of the list, especially during busy periods or when the baby is unwell. If it’s financially possible, getting a cleaner weekly or fortnightly can make a huge difference and take pressure off both partners — something I personally dream of!

If she did the bulk before despite also working and being pregnant then that was unequal and it's about time he did his share. Why would you expect that to continue? Then I'm sure you/the OP would expect it to continue also once she goes back to work also.

Are you getting up with baby during the night 50% of the time? Do you both get a full, uninterrupted lunch break during the day? Do you both get an equal amount of leisure time? I suspect the answer to all these answers is no. You have the luxury of being able to go to the loo when you need to, eat when you need to, sleep soundly through the night, and I will hazard a guess that you still manage to squeeze in some form of leisure activity, whilst your partner is at the beck and call of a mini dictator 24/7?! Suck it up, buttercup! If it's too much for you, ask your boss if you can go part time & do 50/50 so that your partner can also maintain a career. Share everything equally.
Before you do, though, I would suggest a trial run for a week. Book a week off work & take over all the tasks your partner is currently doing. I'm sure you'll discover why she doesn't have time to be the perfect Stepford Wife you want.

Same

takes 5mins to put a wash on or unpack dishwasher or even Hoover - might even send baby to sleep as white noise

if she isnt doing anything at all then yes she should be able to

tho judging from most of these replies many did nothing

i also seem to be the rare breed who always managed a shower a day - yes sometimes mini blondes was in a bouncy chair watching - other times asleep in Moses basket

how old is baby ?

If it all only takes 5 minutes what is the problem with doing it when OP is home and spending time with his child?

You said "multiple" which to me implied a large family. I don't have a baby now btw. My dds are in their late 20s and seem very able too entertain themselves despite my "unhealthy" habit of playing and interacting with them rather than leaving them to "entertain themselves " so I could clean bathrooms. I don't agree at all that mothers should be doing more housework when on maternity leave than when they are back at work.

I don't agree at all that mothers should be doing more housework when on maternity leave than when they are back at work.

i agree. But she should still be doing her fair share, like before she had children. 'some' housework is what we are discussing. Not doing most of it for the family. Just that entirely stopping, even cleaning up after yourself, isn't on.

Only on Mumsnet would someone be unable to leave their baby for short periods to do basic, necessary housework to not live in a dirty home.

Meanwhile in the real world, most babies can happily play with parents nearby.

How did you pack for holidays, weekends away, hang out washing, do the ironing, go to the bins, a million other things you could think of - did baby have to be attached to you for all those things? That sounds exhausting and miserable.

Its just ridiculous that you think it isn’t a huge benefit to have a child that is happy and content playing.

Are you seriously arguing that it is beneficial to the baby to not interact with them so you can iron.😂 Obviously I washed things up if I used them during the day etc but "the million other things" waited until the weekend when my husband was there and he did housework too.

Absolutely saying that.

Nobody I know interacts with their baby for every single second of the day. Not going over what is already said. My kids always had days filled with every activity babies ever should, but they were also content playing.

It’s actually a positive to have a baby that can play by themselves. Baby is happy playing with building blocks, takes 10 minutes to make a cuppa and wipe over a bathroom.

Did you seriously not leave your baby’s side for every waking second for the 9 months of maternity leave?

If you think it is beneficial to babies to leave them by themselves so you can iron and clean bathrooms you are deluded. If it is really such a quick job then it can be done when your dp is home.

I wasn't glued to them 24 hours a day as obviously they slept a bit and then I would shower, have lunch,express milk etc. We also went out a lot.

It does take 5 mins

yes I would expect the dad /op to help out as well but sounds like she is doing nothing

yes you get babies who don’t sleep /have reflux /colic etc - sometimes they have to cry for a few mins

that makes more sense then a mum not being able to wee all day or not be able eat a sandwich /lunch - or they go over shoulder and pat back with one hand and eat with other at an extreme

no one is saying she needs to totally
clean the house every day - but a few simple tasks like putting washing on - Hoover living room floor - put dishes in dw/wash and leave to drip dry should be manageable

Why should she hoover during the day though?

So you saved every single job for the evening? You never went to the washing line alone in 9 months?

I dont call names on Mumsnet - my content, happy, thriving children are proof babies dont need to be attached to you for every waking second of the day.

Please google the benefits of independent play and why it is massively encouraged.

As the thread shows, alot of the Mums who couldn’t get things done were properly struggling for various reasons. I suggested to the OP that is more than likely why his partner can’t do the basics.

Of course YANBU. Putting a dish in the dishwasher takes as much time as it does to walk it to the sink. Putting the washing on/switching it over takes 30 seconds. Maternity leave isn’t an excuse to become lazy

A week old baby doesn’t play by themselves. A 9 month old baby is a different creature. And no, as my daughter was climbing everything by 8 months and fully walking by 10 months I couldn’t take my eyes off her for more than a couple of seconds as she could climb out of her cot/playpen and would have been standing on the back of the sofa within seconds.

Also haven’t owned an iron since the 00s. By spending more than 5 minutes dealing with each load of washing I don’t need one. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Switching it over? What does that mean?

Takes me/DH 5 mins to collect laundry from upstairs and put the machine on then 10-15 mins to hang it out properly to minimise wrinkles and twisting. 30 seconds is absolute bollocks.

yes I would expect the dad /op to help out as well but sounds like she is doing nothing

Help out. Says everything.

Housework is for women. Childcare is for women. Men are far too important swinging their dicks for 40 hours a week to be bothered by such nonsense and women should be grateful if they put their pants in the washing basket rather than on the floor.

Its starting to feel like the biggest misogynists are women.

<checks it’s still 2026>