Baby given chocolate!

[areandare]

I would like honest feedback / opinions on this please as I don’t know if I’m overreacting and am happy to be told that I am.

My baby is 9 months old. He started weaning at 6 months and I have taken it quite seriously to do it as best as I can. Weaning books, trying home made recipes, introducing veggies before fruits, etc.

My partners parents like to have him once a week for a couple of hours to spend time with him and to prepare for when I return to work as they will be minding him for one day. Last week when I picked him up, MIL smugly told me “he had some chocolate today”. I was a bit taken back as I thought she was joking.

It turns out that she had broken up chocolate in to little pieces and given it to him. He has never had chocolate before , he was gifted a few Easter eggs and we still hadn’t given any to him.

I have a few issues with this.

1. The chocolate could be a choking hazard, everything that I have read says to melt it
2. She knows how I feel about giving him chocolate, and she didn’t even ask she just took it upon herself to give him it
3. This one sounds petty - but I would have liked to have been the one to give him his first taste of chocolate when I felt ready 😔

What do others think? Should I say anything or just leave it? I might be overreacting but I feel quite hurt by it. I feel quite strongly about a 9 month old not needing chocolate right now (no disrespect to those who give it) but he’s so happy with yogurt, fruit, etc so really doesn’t need chocolate as a treat yet.

The first 2 points you raise unfortunately come with handing over your kids to someone else. The third one hits differently and is probably the one worth explaining. My MIL brought my son his Santa plate. He’s 5 now and I was and still am hurt by it because I felt it should be something I should do and she took it away from me. I only have and will have 1 child. She has since fallen out with me which has given me opportunity to buy one, but ideally that’s not what you want. I would talk to her and say you don’t want to miss out on things and go from there.

If you said no chocolate to her then yes it’s a bit off

he won’t choke on chocolate. It will melt in mouth

I felt the same as you when my MIL consistently gave my under 1 crap when I wasn’t looking.

I don’t care if it’s silly to some, but why do these MILs feel the need to give small babies junk food so early on?

The key issue is that she went against your wishes, this leads to a feeling of distrust, eg what else is she ignoring and do you feel comfortable leaving your child with her?

Aside from missing the “first” which does seem undermining if she knew it was important to you, NHS guidelines do not recommend any added sugar is given to under 2s. A fair few relatives are not aware about this and have asked to give a bit of ice cream, hot chocolate and other sweet things, so I’ve just said what the guidance is that we’re following.

I’ve voted YANBU

the choking thing is not a thing if the chocolate has been broken into small pieces - if you’re not melting / pureeing everything else (which there is no need to at 9 months) then I think you can see that logically it’s unlikely your child wil choke on a small piece of chocolate.

I have had a first child recently and remmeber what it’s like when you spend all day every day with them and are completely in control of everything they do, it’s hard to relinquish control in a way and I completely understand that you wanted to experience that moment of them enjoying chocolate for the first time. I also think if you’d made it clear you didn’t want them having it this early which is reasonable then it’s a bit annoying for them to have gone against your wishes

HOWEVER you say your child will be going to nursery and once they do there will be all sorts going on you will have no control of. My child’s nursery by and large gives very healthy food but also their snacks can be pombears and cake. She had her first piece of cake at nursery. So YANBU to feel a bit put out but if you’re expecting free childcare from family members you need to decide which hills you want to die on and for me it wouldn’t be a small piece of chocolate if they have an otherwise healthy balanced diet

See, I disagree with most others on here regarding this (which is usually not the case), but mainly on point 3. You are allowed to be pissed off and I don’t think it’s petty at all. I would be annoyed, and the ones saying that the ‘firsts’ are BS, can knock it off, maybe to them it’s BS, but they mean a lot to me personally (and I’ve got a few children from young to adult). I do think that you’re worrying a little over the choking, maybe because you’re so annoyed over point 3. Also, just because they have agreed or even wanted to have LO for 1 day a week, does not give anyone the right to go against the parents wishes.

Am I a proper shit Mum if I can’t remember the first time I gave either of my kids chocolate? Or ice cream for that matter. Or can’t even remember if it was me or my MIL?

I do understand this and don't think you're being unreasonable. If you've told her you don't want him having chocolate, she should respect that. Regardless of what she done with her kids or what anyone else does or doesn't do with their kids- you have asked that your child not have chocolate and she should not have given him it. Grandparents have a very special place in children's lives but that doesn't mean they can ignore parents wishes and do whatever they like. It might be a non issue to some people but for you it isn't and that's the point. I would speak to her, just a gentle chat and explain that you would really rather she didn't give him chocolate yet and you can let her know when you feel he can have it. I didn't give my wee ones sugar till they were over one- i avoided it as long as possible. It's not necessary for them and as they get older, they'll get plenty treats so I held off as long as possible but did get Grandparents trying to sneak them sweets etc so I get it x

@Drivingmissrangey I can remember the first time my eldest had it because he went absolutely hyper, slept even worse than usual. Six now and he is still massively affected by sugar.

Second child, not a clue when he first had chocolate, cake, any food really, or any milestone come to that.

You had me at ‘weaning journey’ for the love of god!

OP there are a lot of people on here with outdated views on child-rearing and weaning etc. and views on grandparents/childcare and then there is also the MIL chip on some people’s shoulder

The most important thing is that it is NOT a usual thing to give a young baby and she likely knew how you felt. And ignored it.

No matter how much they insist I would maybe say they are not to have him just yet (and pay for childcare) as you can’t trust they will respect your parenting style.

A very strange thing to do , under one year old , your baby does not need chocolate , why did she give it , as a dessert ?

See…. Chips on shoulder / defensiveness

We all have different parenting ideas and things we want to do for our kids.

I can understand why you are annoyed. Babies don't need chocolate and she should have asked you first. If it isn't going to be a regular thing then I'd let it go but if she is going to be giving your child sweets every time she looks after him then you are going to have to say something.

I'm going against the grain here but I agree with you. There is no actual nutrious need for babies to have chocolate. My daughter didn't have chocolate or cake till she was over 1 and didn't have sweets till she started school. And before any kicks off, she didn't miss out, she wasn't disadvantaged and yes both sets of grandparents (who provided childcare 1 day a week each) and family knew and followed our wishes. She is now 13 and has never had a filling, has beautiful teeth, is a healthy weight, eats a well balanced diet and only has choc/sweets at weekends.
I would explain to grandparents that you don't want your child to have chocolate/sweets or high sugar foods and say you will provide all food and appropriate snacks.

Grandparents who don't respect the wishes of the parents are the pits, lots of sympathy OP, I'd be furious.

My sister gave my 9 month old baby a little bit of chocolate and I still remember how their face lit up at the taste. Obviously I did not want them to be scoffing sweets on a regular basis but come on, a small bit of chocolate isn't going to hurt and it won't become a part of their daily diet

Nobody. baby, child or adult needs chocolate. Personally I wouldn't give a baby chocolate but a little taste is not going to wreck their health

I would be hurt too.. and annoyed. Your 3 reasons are valid and the grandparents should be made aware this is unacceptable

Obviously she's in the wrong and people saying you're being too precious are missing the point, it sounds like your MIL knew what she was doing and chocolate isn't a food, isn't nutritional, there was no need for her to give the baby some except to take some form of control, and they must know in modern parenting sugar is more carefully given. It was sneaky, simple as that. Its not a huge deal and I wouldn't let it ruin the relationship, but I'd be saying can you not give the child any sugar and chocolate going forward unless its something you've packed for them.

Let me guess, she said you were a lovely daughter in law because you were respectful and compliant and thoughtful? This is not about the chocolate, it's about her seeing her dominance and a lack of respect about you as a parent. At some point you're going to have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations to advocate for your child's best interests. You may as well start practicing now.

Also, no she does not get to insist upon anything regarding you or your child. Find a good childminder or nursery who doesn't see your child as a doll to play with, then use screens as an electronic babysitter when they get bored. Screens are so bad at that age-babies should spend time with people who look at the baby and respond to them, not a screen that ignores the child's attempts to communicate.

My parents gave dd1 her first chocolate (Easter) and ice cream. No biggie. DD1 is now 32, my mum long gone, dad died a few years ago too. They loved their grandchildren. Nothing bad happened. All 4 adult children are well adjusted and not addicted to junk food.

He was given Easter eggs, and you haven’t eaten them yet! What sort of parents are you, eat them soon or they will go off.

@Lifeomars Yes I agree that a taste of choc is not going to hurt a baby as a one off but my MIL (who I liked and usually got on well with) used to give my children so many sweets and chocolate it really did cause a problem between us. That all started with giving them chocolate as babies which is why I said if it continues for the OP she will have to say something. I can honestly say that I have never given my grandchildren sweets other than a chocolate egg at easter (which I hand to their parents) and I do buy lots of sweets for trick or treaters at Halloween and when my own grandchildren knock on my door I let them take a handful of sweets. Sweets should just be for very special occasions and not a regular thing.

I remember my MIL giving my daughter her first taste of ice cream when we were on a day out and I’d gone to take my other daughter to the toilet. It really upset me as it felt she had deliberately deprived me of that ‘first’ moment’ but in hindsight she probably saw it as being kind. A bit of chocolate won’t hurt your baby but that is not really the point. As a grandparent you should support the parents’ decisions. My daughter always packs lunch for my grandson when I look after him but trusts that I respect her parenting regardless. Tell your MIL how you feel because setting boundaries now is essential for future care and relationships.