AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

I would keep taking it if I could be bothered and buy toilet paper with it as that would childishly amuse me.

My mum stopped my birth father paying maintenance because my stepfather had a saviour complex. Yes I resented her.

Its absolutely not enough and is a pathetic contribution (if you can even call it a contribution...)
However, aside from that it is still something which your children will benefit from in some way.
It should be far more, but you should take it rather than having nothing based on principal, as it will still benefit them in a very small way.

The kids might care and they might not, who can know this?

I would keep the money though, think of it as a boost to your Child Benefit payment. Who would turn down a £7pw increase in CHB? It's not nothing if you put it like that.

If you're not going to miss the money, then maybe it should go into a tax free savings account for the kids, so they'll have money towards a rent deposit or something.

Kids might not want money but they always need stuff.
You could think of it as theres £28 towards everyday living, cleaning stuff & bog roll.

Whatever things you need in this world that you hate paying for thats what this covers, I hate paying for parking.

I get what you mean but no I wouldn’t cancel it. This man has a moral and legal obligation to financially support his children. That money, however pathetically low, is theirs. It’s not yours to effectively “take away” from them.

@SquishmallowsS You should keep it just to spite the useless twat. Look at your cms settings so that you don't have to receive a reminder every month.

Absolutely. I continued to claim CS for my children from their father while he was unemployed despite him being pissed off by this because it’s the right thing for him to do. Also as he’s a shit, uninvolved (and abusive) father, the occasional reminder from CMS and his bank statements that he’s fathered 2 children can only be a good thing.

1. He is their dad, he should pay.

2. This amounts to £6,550 over 18 years. If you invested this week by week in a stocks and shares ISA for them it would grow into a tidy little sum - or certainly would have done over the past 18 years.

3. Given the above, you could argue that you don’t have the right to deprive your children of money that is legally intended for them.

Of course it's shit. It's totally rubbish and a pathetic amount.

But I would still collect it. Collect it and spend it however will make you feel better. I would be tempted to spend it on something utterly frivolous for myself.

I do think it's worth getting some counselling though. Or just doing some reflecting. It's clearly a situation you can't change but you can change how you respond to it. I have a similarly shit ex but am long since past being angry all the time.

My mum did.
my dad paid £5 a month for my brother and nothing for me.
it might come up one day.

as a child this happened to as a now 36 year old -
I agree with saving it.
Change the account it goes into so you don’t see it, no regular reminder for you, and split it between the two of them when they reach 18 when it stops

£7 a week in a child isa for 18 years is £9500. When they 18 use it to pay for driving lessons etc.

I only seem to get one once a year to show what payments I should be getting for the next year

Strange, I get an email and text every month

Well its £365 a year. Would you chuck that out of a moving car window??
Yes I get its insulting but stick it in an account for your children and share it out between them when they're older or have a lovely family day or two out every summer etc

from him? I probably would, part of it is he doesn’t see them so I want nothing from him, maybe if he saw them I’d feel differently

Op think of it as money to buy toilet paper 🧻 or cat litter.

Mark the email as junk. So they go to your junk box rather than something you see.

Hahaha yeah he is contributing to their lives indeed 😂 what rubbish

Do you not see how insulting that is? She does everything to look after them while he continues £364 for 3 children a year and somehow you label it "contributing to their lives".

I'm sure OP can give her kids a day out in summer and takeaway between Christmas and New Year without his £7 a week.

Why would she ask them to agree if they want it cancelled??? She takes care of their needs and she is under absolutely no obligation to ask them if they agree for her to cancel the child maintenance.

"If you mean that you, and not they, find it insulting that's irrelevant as it really has nothing to do with you"

Are you fucking joking????? It has nothing to do with her 😂 WTF did I just read???

I would take it and invest in a junior stocks and shares isa, at a low risk return over 10 years that would be just under £5k . So the question is do you want your children to have a £5k fund in 10 years?, will they resent you for deciding they shouldn’t get this? For me it’s an easy one, take the money, it’s money for them, not really yours to refuse. As someone who grew up poor but had since financially educated myself, I certainly feel a little resentful and quite disappointed with similar decisions my parents made (although say nothing as I don’t want to upset them)

I would carry on taking it and maybe earmark it for cat litter, toilet paper or other mundane essentials. If ex is on benefits he'd certainly notice if he was £28 a month better off and I wouldn't want that!

For me it's the principle, that the other parent has to contribute! Even if you don't need it, put it in a bank account for them! It will eventually add up.

I wouldn’t cancel it, but I wouldn’t chase it either. Have it paid into a separate account, if he stops paying, well then that it. It will come up at some point during your children’s lives. You don’t want to have to say “ well he did to pay for you but I stoped it” and if they ever get in touch with him, he will definitely turn it and say “I wanted to pay, it was all I could afford but your mum wouldn’t let me”

Not one person is telling you to appreciate it. They are just saying accept it, don't turn it down?
Everyone agrees with you that £7 is shite but it's still not nothing and your children are marginally better off with it, than without it?

You sound a bit silly tbh. If you turn it down what's in it for you and the children - just the satisfaction of telling people he pays 'nothing' for his kids? I'd rather have £350 a year.
Nobody is suggesting it's anything like a decent contribution to his kids but the point is anything is better than nothing.

Dont use it out of principal but put it into a savings account and share it out between the kids when they get a house or something. It will be more useful that way