AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

You’re getting a bit of a hard time on here but I used to work in education and social service and I’ve never heard any child kick off at hearing their mum turn down a stupidly low figure like that. They totally get it.

So I’d just turn it down if it makes you feel better and less resentful - a happy mum is a better mum !

I suspect it’s he plays the mental health card.

That’s ridiculous but not surprising - they should’ve supported him back to work in that ten years.

And the sad thing is I know people who genuinely need benefits and many are unfortunately given a hard time when they try and claim. While men like him let the taxpayer and the other parent pay for his child year after year.

I don’t know what age he is but it’s unlikely he’s ever going back to work now. Great system.

I, too, would find it an insult and that their dad is clearly a cunt without a moral code.

I also see where you’re coming from that by saving it and giving it to them as a lump sum would feel like ‘look what your dad’s money gives you’. But it’s not their useless dad’s money, it’s yours. You would be making the decision to save £7 a week of YOUR money. It would be a lump sum from mum. Save it for driving lessons, a cheap car from them to share. Owt but it’s not from him, it’s from you. They wouldn’t even need to know where the 7 quid a week was coming from.

It’s an insult, it’s hardly even a meal deal. But it’s yours. You have provided the stability and you would have provided it without 7 quid. But save it and never mention where it came from because that doesn’t matter.

I've never asked my mum how much maintenance she got. I know my dad paid it and that he bought me things when I needed them and that's as far as it goes.

I think I'd have been a little put out to find out that she refused it though. If she didn't need/want it I would have appreciated it being in a savings account for me when I went to uni or whatever (especially if my dad wasn't likely to help me in early adulthood of his own accord).

Every little helps and tbh I think your being quite snobby for turning your nose up at it.

I doubt it was £7 a week or some other paltry amount if he’s the kind of dad who was involved and buying you things . If it was a tiny amount maybe you’d have understood what an insult it was - I certainly did. If you didn’t have a shitty dad who shirked his responsibilities you may not get it.

That said OP - if it comes directly off benefits you could just save it all up then say to the kids when they’re 18, hey this is what benefits gave you since your dad was unable to support you.

Because really it’s not their dad’s money. It’s a deduction from money he’s getting for nothing from the taxpayer.

But if you do decline his joke of a maintenance I agree you don’t need to mention it. Although he might.

I would continue to take it just so it's not in his pocket to be perfectly honest.

Get the same from my ex for eldest DD.

The only thing worse than your ex acting like he's contributing with that pittance would be if he could turn around one day and say that he wanted to, but you refused.
If it's making you that angry, then stop it, otherwise just let it sit in a savings account and forget it, round it off at £10 or something so it's not just his money and then put it towards something useful. Like another poster said, it won't be from him, no-one will know he had anything to do with it. It will be like save the change or popping coins in a jar.

He could, but I have all the letters stating it’s £7 so he can say he wanted to contribute all he likes. Also the fact it’s collect and pay shows he didn’t want to contribute.

Snobby, ah yes i should be grateful to his wonderful contribution

Yeah, for that amount a week I’d do one of two things:

Either: stop the payments. £7 a week IS insulting, your kids know who’s raised them in every respect and would never resent it. It sounds like this would give you peace of mind. I haven’t chased up anything from my ex for much the same reason,

Or: put it into a savings account for YOU. When the kids have all left home, take yourself on holiday. Zero guilt. Fuck him. I recently found my engagement ring and am planning to sell it and take myself away.

It’s money you could spend on your children. I still don’t understand.

The only benefit to you not taking it will be to your ex. Is that what you want?

Do your kids not like money? Would they not find a couple of grand useful when they reach 18? Wouldn’t they rather at least have something than nothing?

Well then just stop it. You're getting more annoyed throughout the thread! Everyone agrees that it's an insult and useless, you don't need it and he's pathetic. Most people think you should keep getting it because it seems like biting your nose off to spite your face to refuse it, when in however many years it could be a little lump sum to do something dor the kids with. Everyone can imagine how infuriating it must be and that you'd prefer to tell him to shove it. It sounds like you can't bear to take it anymore and that's perfectly understandable. If it comes out one day that you refused it and the kids are resentful then you'll just have to explain that it wasn't worth the turmoil it put you through. They'll definitely understand. Cancel it and be done with it. Mayne open a savings account with £5 and month each, they'll end up with more, you won't notice it and you won't have to deal with him.

Maybe nit, but I think it's the children's right to know.

No one is saying you should be grateful. They are saying look at the bigger picture, don't act of spite and perhaps because it is such a paltry, insulting amount that isn't going to maintain the children, put it aside for something for them that can be put to use in the longer term. Kindly OP you are lashing out at anyone who suggests doing something with it. Why ask AIBU? It seems like you just want to vent.

Calling someone a snobby isnt rude?

There have been people on this post that said they didn’t want the money. A lot of people may be offended.

£7 a week is £6500 over a child's life so yes that would make a huge difference to my life as it would pay for a summer holiday!!

You don't even have to tell them it's the money from their dad.

I've never had a bank account that's done that and I've saved with quite a lot of different banks. I'm sure you can turn off notifications if they do.

But it's pretty obvious this is eating you up. This thread is probably just making you more furious. Clearly the amount is an insulting pittance, of that there is no doubt. Just cancel it if reminds you of him and his uselessness constantly.

Again, nobody has said they think you should be grateful. Accepting the measly payment doesn't equate to being grateful for it, and nobody has suggested that.

It’s not the bank, Cms send emails and texts

No, I think I would resent him not playing a part in my life, but I wouldn’t care if you didn’t collect £7 a week if you don’t need it.

Yes, and as I said, both can be true.
Literally nobody on this thread has said it's a lot to support a child on its own. But as a lump yearly sum it is worth spending.

although if you are reading "the other threads" the same way as this one (selectively picking the posts that agree with you) it explains a lot.

You can set your emails up so everything from CMS gets automatically deleted or goes into a specific folder without you ever having to see them, and change bank account so the £7 just goes straight in there if it's the reminder that annoys you.