AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

Set up a separate bank account in your kids name and get the payment changed directly to there - then ignore the account. Give them the details when they turn 18. They can put it towards uni/a car etc.

Reading your responses you seem very stuck on what response you want. Why have you bothered to ask us then, you’ve already made your decision, you don’t need us to verify it.

Don’t know how old they are, but up to 3,000 to give each of them when they’re 18 would at least be something positive.

Why should your ex pay zero ?

It is his responsibility to contribute

£6.5k over 18 years

Your child or children should not loose out !

They wouldn’t know unless you told them, would they? I had no idea how much my dad paid my mum till she told me in my early 20s. It wasn’t very much but then she wasn’t overly bothered because he bought me lots of clothes, tech when I got older, paid half towards school trips, paid for my bday parties and extracurricular stuff etc.

I wouldn’t have had a clue (nor really cared) if she didn’t say. Your DC will likely be the same, they might ask you one day in which case you just say he paid £28 a month. I wouldn’t stop claiming, he should contribute something.

Could you block the email and the text message on your phone?

It’s a terrible amount and I wouldn’t necessarily keep but you could consider investing it into a junior sipp which would give them a sizeable pension pot with tax relief and compound interest at 57/60. Or a junior isa at 18 (which has less opportunity to compound but might be worth something). I think it partly depends on how financially strong you are; what the ££ is worth with compound interest over time and how much upset it causes you.

It's their money, not yours.

I’m just appalled that people think they can drift through life not working cause ‘mental health’. It’s pathetic. Enabling them is bankrupting our country. What good is it doing for these people either. His benefits should be stopped. Then he’d be FORCED to work.

I’d keep receiving it.

in years to come you don’t know what the children will feel. They may search for their dad, their dad may search for them. That could be used as leverage against you. As in kids ask him why he never bothered, he spins it round and says I did try I was paying then your mum stopped it she wouldn’t let me see you. You know it’s lies but the kids just go on what they see and hear.

you may not need the cash and I agree £7 doesn’t make much difference when you are able to meet their needs but pop it into a ln account for them and then it’s there for when they turn 18, however much it is.

Nothing to do with whether they care or not
.matter of principle save it and use it for something for them when its a decent sum.

If you invested £7 per week until they were 18, and they waited until they were 40 to access the lot, at average investment returns it’d be worth about £50k. If you put it straight in their pension, it’s likely be worth £155k by the time they’re 55.

Seems worth it to me.

It is not your money

Put the money into a child ISA, your children can decide what to do with the money at 18

Of course it’s my money, I had to open the claim. If it wasn’t it would be automatic and you wouldn’t need to open a claim its a choice, and tbh I only opened it thinking “well he will have to work one day” not thinking “it will be £7 for the next 10 years”

It absolutely is op"s money. She's paying many many multiples of it look after the children. She can spend it however she wishes. And if she wishes to reject it thats fine too - he would then be free to put it in a savings account for the kids if he wished

£336 a year, that would cover some school uniform. It's all worth it, put it in a savings account.

They might resent it if they knew it could have gone into a savings account and after a few years it would have been a reasonable amount.

I would say it's also a principle thing. I wouldn't let him off fully just because he can't be bothered to pay.

What principle is there to paying £7? Just genuinely asking as that does not hold him accountable at all so what is the principle?

I totally get why it makes you so furious to get these emails and texts every month for such a pathetic amount. I would see if you can set up a rule in your emails to divert all CMS emails to a different folder - I do this for a few emails and never see them - and on your phone, block the CMS number. And open a new bank account for the money to go into, and then see if you can forget all about it until the kids are older.

If it still makes you angry without seeing the reminders, then I would just cancel it, because it’s not enough money to be worth the toll on your mental health.

He could do that, and if he did he can then give them all the money he saved for them because I wouldn’t take it??…

I'd funnel it directly into a high interest savings account for your child. It will slowly build something...even if just to go towards driving lessons in the future. Don't cancel it.
I'm frustrated that my dad wiggled out of paying entirely. I'd rather a few years of weekly £7 saved up than what I ended up with...0!

OP, i totally get it, its insulting. But i would always, always take it, purely so he doesnt get it. As others have said, its a takeaway he cant have, a few beers he cant have etc. Out of principle, I would always take it.

My ex pays CMS via collect and pay too and he also doesn't see our child (his choice) I do get more than you as he works (though loves to job hop) and regardless of what he is doing, I will always receive the money, just so he doesnt get it. My ex wont care about the reminder every month that he has a child, I'm sure yours wont either, but its purely money he doesnt get.

Of course its insulting, of course he should pay more, that all goes without saying.

Of course it's her money. Don't be ridiculous.

I agree with the PP - I'd have it so that he didn't have it. £7 isn't anything to you but you can bet your life he resents paying it, and I'd want him to keep on with that feeling for as long as possible. He sounds really horrible and I'm glad you're well rid. I'd get it paid into an account where there's no notifications and I'd change my email address on the account to a new one which I'd never read.

I also get the text and email every month and the reminder is always a jolt. But I'd still take that just so he doesn't keep the money!

I would investigate what you can do to remove the reminders, get the CMS email filtered to a folder you don’t look at, ask to opt out of texts, get it sent to another account. Let it build up away from you, but never present it to your kids as ‘oh look here’s the money daddy contributed which we can use for a treat’ because let’s face it, it’s fuck all. Still, could quietly build up into a rainy day fund, and I would want him to have the reminder and have to pay it, it will be hurting him more than you. I agree with others that it could be twisted in the future, but the money is intended to cover expenses not treats so it’s your money to pay for rent and shopping and heating etc. And the kids could say, ‘well why didn’t you save it all up for us if you were managing without it?’ Just like loads of posters on here. If you did build it into a lump sum it’s your choice what to do with it - give it to the kids at adulthood as a gift from you, give it to the dog shelter, go on a cruise. Tell your adult children ‘your father had to be compelled to contribute £7 a week’ and it barely covered the budget for packed lunches for the year. I know there is a satisfaction in sending the message ‘why bother mate’ but I think on balance it’s best to keep it.