AIBU to think my children would not care about £7 maintenance?

[SquishmallowsS]

AIBU to think my kids wouldn’t care if I cancelled £7 a week child maintenance?

My ex pays £7 a week maintenance for our children because he’s been on benefits for the last 10 years. Sometimes it’s even been nothing because of debts being taken from his benefits first.

I’m honestly tempted to cancel it because the amount feels more insulting than helpful. £7 a week between more than one child barely covers anything these days.

I mentioned this before and people said my kids would be upset in future if they found out I’d cancelled it. But I genuinely can’t imagine children growing up and being angry that their mum didn’t pursue £7 a week from their dad. Who even discusses those details with their children anyway? Apparently they will ‘resent’ me. I wouldn’t think most single parents even discuss maintenance with their children but perhaps i’m wrong?

I could understand it if we were living in real poverty and that £7 meant the difference between having food in the cupboard, the electric staying on, or being able to buy essentials. In those circumstances I can see why a child might later feel differently. Equally, if it was hundreds of pounds a month and the children genuinely missed out on things because that money wasn’t being paid, then I can understand why they might care as adults. But if their needs were otherwise taken care of and they had a stable upbringing, I honestly don’t see most children caring that their mum stopped chasing £7 a week.

Also, my own mum never claimed maintenance for me because my father wasn’t around, and I honestly don’t care. I never went without anything growing up, so it’s never been something I’ve felt upset or deprived about.

AIBU to think most kids wouldn’t care about this?

I don't think you've said whether you have to actively do anything to receive this money every week, or if it just gets deposited into your account. If the latter, then I think you would be crazy not to let it keep going. If you have to chase after the money or even just fill out some sort of form every week I can see how it wouldn't be worth the time and annoyance.

Whether your kids will resent you or not, none of us can say. How would they know, anyway?

I don't think you have to save the money for them or set it aside for specific purposes. Just treat it like the rest of your income, except there'll be $364 extra per year. It's not a lot, but it's something.

And I don't think anyone has said that you should be grateful. Of course it's a pittance. People are just questioning why you would turn it down.

But the saving is linked to whether they'd resent it or not isn't it? Will they miss £7 a week now, no. Will they resent not having a few grand that they could have had when they turn 18? Probably yes.

There was a period where my dad was a nightmare for maintenance (alcoholic) and my mum gave up. I would never resent her for that, but I would have deeply resented him had he not put it right when he got sober and realised he was being a total dick. I don’t think your kids will resent you.

Absolutely not. I wouldn’t let that fucker off a single penny. If you want to do something useful with it, give it to a charity for something he hates. That said, it’s £364 a year, which is crap obviously, but it would at least pay for school bags, or a few pairs of trainers, or a nice day out. I wouldn’t let him take it - I wouldn’t waste on him. Better you being £30 a month better off than him.

Or at least give it to your kids as pocket money. That’s £15 a month each - enough for a cinema ticket or a book.

£364 a year. Use it to take them on a day out in the summer and a takeaway between Christmas and New year. It is not about the amount it is about their father using some of his money to contribute to their lives. Why should he not be made to do that ?

Of course it’s the amount, kids dont live on fresh air

No I don’t have to do anything but it’s more how the monthly reminder affects me and makes me angry. it’s the reminder monthly how much he gets away with. Paying it into a different account doesnt change that as they text and email when you get a payment.

This

I don’t know that they would resent it exactly if you cancelled, but at least he could never turn it back on you and say you stopped him from contributing and in time they will be able to see exactly what he did contribute and draw their own conclusions.

Put it in a junior ISAs for them. Compound interest and all that!

They might care, if they add up how much 7 pounds a week saved over 18 years is. (6,048 without interest.)

I don't understand why you'd cancel it. Every little helps.

@SquishmallowsS YABU

£7 a week is £6552 over a child's life.

So if YOU don't want it then save it in a bank account for them.

If they found out they could have had their share of £6552 (+ interest) once they turned 18 but you declined the money then yes absolutely they'd be pissed off and resent you!

If you're that well off then save it and after 18 years make a donation to charity.

Can you change your notifications so that you don't get a text and/or email?

If not, allow yourself a moment to be annoyed and angry, and then let it go for the rest of the month and enjoy your children. I thought it was weekly, but you're saying monthly. Allow yourself ten seconds or so per month of being pissed off at the situation, and then move on.

Keep accepting it as it’s £7 less for them

but yes is a shit pathetic amount and should be higher

It is an insult but in that situation I would transfer it automatically into a savings account to forget about, choose either christmas or summer hols and use it once a year to treat the kids. Or put it towards school uniform or something annoyingly expensive like that! It is utterly useless in the day to day raising of your kids, but it's better to have as a once a year lump sum than not to have!

I wouldn’t make my kids aware of this I’d see if the money came and if it did then great and if not then never mind.
id just put anything that arrived in the general pot regardless of how much it is - every little helps as they say.

Could you set up another email for this and not provide a contact number?

tbf a lot of kids might not actually want money from an absent father that never bothered with them? So I guess it could go either way. It’s not about being that well off? That comments a bit cheeky, unless £7 a week makes a massive difference to your life? I pay more for my cats litter 🤣

I would not have resented it. My (rich) dad sent some tiny amounts over the years. I’m talking a total of 3k over 16 years for three kids. I think my mum disposed of the cheques and I don’t blame her. It felt like an insult and a way for him to pretend he was supporting us when he wasn’t.

Thank, it’s nice to hear from adults in this situation, like I said my mum didnt claim from my dad and I don’t care as we never went without and I understood her reasoning.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t take it?

Because it’s an insult

Also why is he on benefits? We hear all this “no one’s enabled to be on benefits long term if they are not disabled” spouted on MN when anyone points out that SOME non-disabled people do take the piss.

My friends violent abusive ex was the same. He pays her a few pounds a month from benefits. Until she put a stop to it - and no her child didn’t resent it.

The day after she left him and moved to a different city he quit his job and said he would never pay her child support.

He’s been on a mixture of JSA and disability ever since then. We have no idea what his “disability” is. It must’ve just come on after my friend left him following him severely beating her…🙄

But your last thread was a couple of months ago wasn't it?

So you've been giving this far too much head space.

You need to shit or get off the pot for your own sanity.

And why would your kids even know unless you tell them??