Page 10 | To tell in-laws to do one?

Brendy · 08/05/2026 17:04

Why on earth do people force themselves on people who do not actually want to see them. Where is the joy for anyone in that? These in-laws sound a bit unhinged.

godmum56 · 08/05/2026 17:06

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 16:41

You're just writing fanfiction about your own biases, to be honest.

Mental abuse, hating them and so on??I've never said a bad word to them and try my best to be polite, sometimes to the detriment of DH because I don't want to offend or have drama. I'm the one gently reminding DH that if he does want to see them it's been a few months and we should make an effort. I've had (fair) criticism for that in this thread.

FWIW they call DH lazy every time they speak to him on the phone and in person, nothing to do with me.

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OP why do you "gently remind" you husband to contact them? and why do you behave in a way that you KNOW is detrimental to your husband's wellbeing.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 08/05/2026 17:09

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 08/05/2026 15:57

But do your parents only get to see you once or twice a year nixon? Do you ring and chat to your parents quite frequently, and if your parents live a long way away do you ever go to visit them instead, hopefully not including that in the once or twice a year that they are allowed to see you? In fact, the OP says that her DH's parents coming to see them is often a last minute thing, and having seen all of the OP's replys so far, I imagine that they don't give much notice for their visits because in the past when they have done so, it has given the OP the chance to think up why they can't come on that occassion, after them having already started to look forward to seeing their son - yes, I deliberately left out looking forward to seeing their DiL, because it must be hard to look forward to seeing someone who obviously hates and resents you.

I wonder if the OP and her husband ever invite them to stay, as from the OP's later posts I don't think that they do. I think that if the OP and her DH don't want to make the journey all the way to his parents, then they - the OP and her DH - should be inviting them to stay, at the very least, every 4 months. It is not as if they even have to make a bed, and bedroom available to them, as they apparently sleep in their motor home. As for the MiL calling her son lazy - which they were silly to do, but I think that emotions were probably running very high at that point, I wonder if it was in response to having been turned down for a visit to the OP's home, and in reply to the OP, and their son, refusing to drive to see them, probably citing it as being too far? I can imagine that in that sort of phone call, the MiL or the FiL might have accused their son of being too lazy to make the journey.

I really hope that my post here doesn't sound as if I am having a 'pot' at you nixon, as I am most certainly not! In fact it was your previous post to the OP, and her response to you, that made me realise just how much I would love to hear the in-Laws reply to the OP's damning character assassination of her in-Laws. I now think that in all probability, it is much more likely that the OP is the one who has been causing the most mental abuse in that relationship. Which still doesn't excuse the in-Laws awful texts, but it might go somewhere to explaining them? Figuratively speaking, I am expecting a lot of red arrows for my change of heart!

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Is the clue in the name devilsadvocate? Do you go around posts looking to play devils advocate making up story’s for fun?

OP is not responsible for her DHs relationship with his parents. He doesn’t want to see them, from his perspective they’re not very nice to him. People seem to think that being family entitles you to be able to treat people poorly but still expect to have a close relationship and be revered just because they’re the mum. But no one’s entitled to a relationship. It is not abusive to keep relatives at a distance if they treat you poorly or make you feel bad about yourself

OneNaiceSnail · 08/05/2026 17:14

DameM · 08/05/2026 17:03

If he's avoidant has he form for messing them about, hence they've taken the bull by the horns and announced their trip?

Tbh a broken finger, pet death and job issues all sound like normal day to day challenges so as long as they're staying in their camper just go out and leave them to your dh.

Wow, some serious minimising there. The death of a pet can leave people absolutely bereft. The ‘just’ broken fingers was caused by the op being attacked, and the ‘job issues’ was her husband losing his fucking job. Do you suffer bereavements, broken bones, assaults and sackings on a monthly basis??

WallaceinAnderland · 08/05/2026 17:14

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 16:54

They haven't actually knocked on our door but have sent a text saying they're parked up somewhere nearby. 😳

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Are you going to let them in if they call round?

Sahara123 · 08/05/2026 17:15

Good grief who on earth drives some distance to someone’s house when they’ve been told it’s not convenient and that they can’t stay! Do they really think you’ll welcome them in and you’ll all have a lovely time after being told no !
That is really quite arrogant behaviour

Dodorogers · 08/05/2026 17:15

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 16:41

You're just writing fanfiction about your own biases, to be honest.

Mental abuse, hating them and so on??I've never said a bad word to them and try my best to be polite, sometimes to the detriment of DH because I don't want to offend or have drama. I'm the one gently reminding DH that if he does want to see them it's been a few months and we should make an effort. I've had (fair) criticism for that in this thread.

FWIW they call DH lazy every time they speak to him on the phone and in person, nothing to do with me.

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It sounds like a more extreme version of the issues we have with my partners entire family. I feel for your partner but also it must be absolutely draining for you it is such a shit situation to be in.

lornad00m · 08/05/2026 17:24

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:01

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

That in and of itself would make me tell them to literally 'do one'.

Movingonup313 · 08/05/2026 17:27

Imagine this was a pal/work colleague sending these texts. Its not on. The parent/in-law connection doesnt make this type of communication okay. Blood doesnt mean 'i can treat you any way i want and you will do as i say'. Sorry you have this to deal with along with everyrhing else. My own dad pulled similar re his will. We are NC and he can burn his £ for all i care. The peace of NC is invaluable! You are right to exert boundaries and hold your power here. You dont want visitors/them visiting you. They can go to a site with their van.

JemimaTab · 08/05/2026 17:27

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 06:46

It's hard. Sometimes I think they are trying to be helpful, but DH gets a lot of very unkind and unsolicited "advice". We try to ignore most of it as it can get quite insulting. E.g. they have no problem openly calling him lazy or saying he's bad at everything. He just sits there and takes it - Which is irritating because it's me dealing with the emotional fallout when they leave.

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I imagine your DH just takes it because he’s had a lifetime of being put down by them, maybe since childhood, and probably learned a long time ago that there’s no point in him standing up for himself because they discount his feelings and it changes nothing. If that’s correct, the relationship is toxic and I feel for him. I have a similar dynamic in my family and find it impossible to assert myself against them even though I’m an adult (and manage to assert myself just fine in e.g. my job).
It’s probably healthier for him to keep things low contact, especially as they apparently have no respect for boundaries.

bigboykitty · 08/05/2026 17:29

Hope blinds and curtains are closed. Don't answer, obviously. Abusive twats.

Original poster

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 17:30

godmum56 · 08/05/2026 17:06

OP why do you "gently remind" you husband to contact them? and why do you behave in a way that you KNOW is detrimental to your husband's wellbeing.

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As I've already said in this thread, DH says he's not ready to cut them off and wants to "be a better son", will wax lyrical about how he's going to see them more often and fix their relationship etc... Then functionally just ignores them.

So, that puts me in the difficult position of not knowing whether to support with what he says or what he does.

And I do understand PILs must feel ignored and shit. But there's a very good reason DH does his best not to think about them and runs at every possible opportunity. Maybe I need to be more vocal about telling him there's no shame in cutting someone off.

Ironically I haven't wanted to push him in any direction because I don't want to be just another voice telling him what to do, or be blamed later if he decides to cut them off and regrets it.

OP posts:

WearyAuldWumman · 08/05/2026 17:31

DameM · 08/05/2026 17:03

If he's avoidant has he form for messing them about, hence they've taken the bull by the horns and announced their trip?

Tbh a broken finger, pet death and job issues all sound like normal day to day challenges so as long as they're staying in their camper just go out and leave them to your dh.

Having your fingers broken as the result of being attacked by a stranger is hardly a 'normal day to day challenge'.

Logika · 08/05/2026 17:33

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 17:30

As I've already said in this thread, DH says he's not ready to cut them off and wants to "be a better son", will wax lyrical about how he's going to see them more often and fix their relationship etc... Then functionally just ignores them.

So, that puts me in the difficult position of not knowing whether to support with what he says or what he does.

And I do understand PILs must feel ignored and shit. But there's a very good reason DH does his best not to think about them and runs at every possible opportunity. Maybe I need to be more vocal about telling him there's no shame in cutting someone off.

Ironically I haven't wanted to push him in any direction because I don't want to be just another voice telling him what to do, or be blamed later if he decides to cut them off and regrets it.

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That's really perceptive OP. I think you are exactly right to hold back from "leading" on this.

I just don't know what you both do from here, on a Friday afternoon.

Poppyfun1 · 08/05/2026 17:39

Nip this in the bud NOW.

JemimaTab · 08/05/2026 17:40

YourShyLion · 08/05/2026 11:03

I'm not sure why seeing them for a couple of hours would be a problem.

I doubt they genuinely want to meet just for a couple of hours. They just want to meet so they can berate OP and her DH into letting them stay - “well, we’re here now …” etc.

RosieRR · 08/05/2026 17:41

Hi Op
You sound like you are having a really bad time. What I don't understand is why everyone is not talking to each other and just sending messages. This is no way to get the message over and can be easily be seen as angry when you are not or vice versa. Don't close the door on your parents unless it really is that bad that you never want them around again. Talk!

harriethoyle · 08/05/2026 17:43

FriendlyMedusa · 08/05/2026 17:30

As I've already said in this thread, DH says he's not ready to cut them off and wants to "be a better son", will wax lyrical about how he's going to see them more often and fix their relationship etc... Then functionally just ignores them.

So, that puts me in the difficult position of not knowing whether to support with what he says or what he does.

And I do understand PILs must feel ignored and shit. But there's a very good reason DH does his best not to think about them and runs at every possible opportunity. Maybe I need to be more vocal about telling him there's no shame in cutting someone off.

Ironically I haven't wanted to push him in any direction because I don't want to be just another voice telling him what to do, or be blamed later if he decides to cut them off and regrets it.

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I think I’d be inclined to let him ignore them @FriendlyMedusa - it may well be he can’t bear to take the “official” and proactive step of cutting them off but that passive ignoring achieves the same for him and you without the need to label it which he’s obviously loathe to do. Good luck this weekend…

WallaceinAnderland · 08/05/2026 17:44

Sahara123 · 08/05/2026 17:15

Good grief who on earth drives some distance to someone’s house when they’ve been told it’s not convenient and that they can’t stay! Do they really think you’ll welcome them in and you’ll all have a lovely time after being told no !
That is really quite arrogant behaviour

It looks as if that is exactly what OP and her DH will do.

CrayonCritic5 · 08/05/2026 17:50

“We dont leave chaotic lives, but we’re not retired like you are. How about xx of June?” Done

APC303 · 08/05/2026 17:51

Tell them to go piss up a rope 👍

popcornlova · 08/05/2026 17:52

They lost me at consequences. Lock your door and protect your peace

OneFineDay22 · 08/05/2026 17:53

Your DH needs therapy/counselling. He needs to understand that these controlling, emotionally manipulative people and what they want is not more important than what he needs to feel safe and calm in his own home.

Lots of people (on MN) think no contact is a fad that people do for no reason. And sympathise with parents or parents in law that get cut off because they would find that so devastating.

Loads of people irl have never heard of such a thing as no contact and can’t get their heads around it because family is the most important thing in world blah blah.

If these are the only viewpoints he encounters, he will think there is something wrong with looking after himself and disengaging with abusive people.

Logika · 08/05/2026 17:56

CrayonCritic5 · 08/05/2026 17:50

“We dont leave chaotic lives, but we’re not retired like you are. How about xx of June?” Done

Simple, emotionally neutral and not engaging with any of the mind games. Perfect.

DaisyDaisy133 · 08/05/2026 17:56

ThejoyofNC · 08/05/2026 06:12

"I don't know who you think you are but we aren't children to be threatened with consequences. We've told you no so if you want to waste your time driving here then you do that, we won't be seeing you. In fact, you're not welcome in our home either until you can act like respectful adults."

Perfect response