To tell in-laws to do one?

[FriendlyMedusa]

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

I commented yesterday but I'd also be very tempted (the next time they threaten your DH with being cut out of their will) to encourage him to say "Good, I don't want to be in it."

Then it severs that power they think they have over him.

I used to have similar with my MIL. She would just show up, even if she knew (through DH) that I had plans and force her way in, demand I get her tea/coffee etc (this was when I was breastfeeding a newborn and husband worked awful shifts). Didn't matter what was said, how many actual 'visits' were arranged for when DH was there too.
In the end I had my phone on silent, unplugged the landline (she would call mobile and if I didn't answer would follow it up with the landline) then minutes later show up on the doorstep. I closed the curtains when I saw the mobile going then baby and I would go and hide at the back of the house. She's keep hammering the door for ages, hoping the annoyance/noise would shame me to answering the door.

This was just the tip if the iceberg of her behaviour but I didn't realise how much it was damaging my mental health, especially as a new mum. I'd recommend your husband see a therapist as it could really help him navigate through this, his pushy parents and also everything he is dealing with. It's so hard to see how much damage it's doing when you are in the thick of it.

I hope you're both doing ok today OP?

If you want things on equal terms, it’s going to take a concerted effort to put up some cast iron boundaries with these two. Not seeing them this weekend would be a great start. I get it seems cruel, but equally so does trampling all over the 2 of you.

For starters, your dh needs to completely disengage each time they berate and belittle him. This will be easiest over the phone. The next time, he should tell them it is unacceptable to speak to him like that, say he’s ending the call, bye and put the phone down. The next time that they call, it would be - are you ready to apologise to me? Oh well, no, I’ll speak to you another time, have a good day, bye. Rinse repeat.

As every visit so far has been a massive ordeal for OP's DH and herself, why on earth do you think that this time the visit might be enjoyable?

OP hasn't said that they have any children so your suggestions about them taking the children out to lovely places are odd to say the least. These people aren't OP's parents either so you seem to be approaching this situation based on facts that you have just made up so your solutions are completely inappropriate.

😂

Or, don't?!

have you not read the thread?

@FriendlyMedusa any update op?

Don't bow again

I’ve read your posts, OP. Your DH’s mental health and low self esteem is the priority here. Because it sounds as if they have been unpleasant and controlling his whole life and that’s morphed into emotional blackmail and financial threats.

Focus on getting some counselling for your DH. There are also lots of good books and online resources about FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - which is what they have built into him.

Let these two manipulative twats spins their wheels, emotionally and literally, all the way back to the other end of the country.

DH needs to stop ignoring them
They've got into a cycle now where DH ignores, they push and push and come down anyway and DH gives in
So it works eventually

You will end up seeing them today I'm sure if they actually are nearby
It's 50/50 whether they are or not tbh
I mean what can you do once they're on your doorstep! Lol

DH needs therapy and to either stand up to them or cut then off. He can't live in this halfway no man's land and then let them just descend upon you with bad vibes

If he/you both say you dont want to see them when they suggest a visit, dh needs to then set a date for a visit in a month time or whatever convenient, so to pacify PIL
If he just says no and then ignores and blanks them of course they're going to blow up, dh knows this. So if he wants to have a relationship with them he needs to make it work on his terms and accept they're never gunna be the parents he wants or needs.

It's not fair to you
Perhaps you need to leave dh alone for this visit and tell him he either sees them or he doesn't but you're not being chased about it or stressed about it as they're not your parents.
Sometimes a little harshness is needed

Then once it's over you tell him he has therapy or you're not facilitating any visits any more
Don't contact them

Why are they visiting when it's not convenient? Do they see other people too? Iif they do ask those they see to put them up/see them cos you are unable to.
Don't ever be forced to see people who make demands of you that are unacceptable.

Lol. Nah.

I agree.

@FriendlyMedusa - your husband has been damaged by the upbringing his parents inflicted on him. He absolutely needs help with dealing with the resulting fallout. I hope you can help him find an experienced therapist:

https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

The camper van thing is that they have decided on a trip and just want to use you as a staging post which is why it’s always at short notice. We do stay on friends and relatives drives but the difference is we ask weeks and sometimes months in advance and always say if not convenient don’t worry. It’s cynical of them but it will save them probably £30 per night.

I would happily forgo an inheritance for peace of mind. But sadly your brow beaten husband has to have his own epiphany about his parents.

It’s obvious the other son is the favourite, even if your DH does everything right he may still not get an inheritance. DH Father and my Mother had clear favourite children and they both left all their worldly goods to that favourite child. At least I had 4 other siblings who I could talk to about it. One of my sisters and I saw this coming so resigned ourself to it so it was just shoulder shrugging from us when Mother died, the other three siblings were distraught at the unafairness.

Therapy

He needs to see a counsellor to get unmeshed from this shitshow

Is he an only child?

WTF it matters not whether they have children or any other circumstances (clearly they have current circumstances to explain why they can’t have them over). They’ve told them no they haven’t listened. How would you like that. It wasn’t even an arrangement they broke.

Exactly some honest conversation is well overdue

About your story with your sisters, confused about who actually got the money if there were five of you. Did the favourite child offer to split the inheritance? Just because the parents made that decision doesn’t mean the siblings have to agree to that.

I hate to say this, but I do think it's a point you might consider.

It's very likely indeed that they're not going to leave you any money in their Will. Particularly not if DH is not their favoured child. Even if he were a one and only, they'd probably still leave their whole estate to the cats' home. They are exactly the personality type who would do this.

People like this are control freaks. They are using the dangled carrot of eventual money to keep you in line and bending to their will. The sort who play games like this would get a kick out of knowing that control continued even beyond the grave.

I've seen numerous instances of this in life. Also, if you haven't read Susan Forward's illuminating book Toxic In-Laws, I can thoroughly recommend it. For one thing it's a survival manual for those saddled with in-laws like this. For another, it's based around case studies, and there is more than one variation on the manipulative Will-wielders. These stories very often end the same way.

I'm throwing this out there because hope, whilst seen as a positive, can very often be one of the most toxic emotions there is. It's a tool abusive people often use to play with people. And it works precisely because relinquishing it is hard.

Once you do that, and only then, you'll experience a sense of lightness and liberation that's worth all the money in the world.

If your DH knows what's good for him, he'll tell them to shove their money where the son don't shine. Let them see you can't be bought. Ironically they will probably respect him more for it, albeit there'll be a horrible time in the interim as they go through what's commonly known as the 'extinction burst'.

I wish the both of you joy and a measure of emotional freedom. You've earned it.

In her second response OP stated.

One of the consequences they bring up from time to time is cutting DH out of their will. It just makes me sad that they think we care about that, or that we're going to be bought."

This is already asked and answered.

…if you haven't read Susan Forward's illuminating book Toxic In-Laws, I can thoroughly recommend it.

I've not read this book, but I’ve read her Toxic Parents, which is excellent, so I would strongly support this recommendation.

So there’s a book for each of you!, @FriendlyMedusa

Yes. But given PiLs are still using this as a carrot and stick, it's a point that might benefit from being made more forcefully. It directly removes their main source of power.

user1492757084 · Today 05:34
"Maybe they have some grave news to share?
Have an operation booked for the following month?
They are your parents and you said you rarely see them so I would make their journey worth while.
Be welcoming.
Suggest that, due to your difficult month and the timing of the visit, you will all be eating out each night. Don't cook. Don't do any thing you can notmanage easily. They are your family not guests to be hosted.
Suggest that the children take adventures with them for some hours each day to a local lovely park or stately home or zoo.
Try to keep calm and civil. You might all enjoy it."

tell me you have no idea without telling me you have no idea.

this. My other half is currently having therapy because of very similar issues. He puts his family before me and his child because of it and it is infuriating.

Would you meet someone who spoke to you like that?